The Sims

Let's face it. Parenting isn't a super glamorous thing when you actually look at it. The highlight of my day is making a dad joke that is so bad it makes Jessi leave the room.

But if you know anything about parenting, you know that you quite literally and figuratively have to put up with a lot of crap. So why, Woodman, why, would you have kids?

I blame the false advertising of that classic life simulator The Sims. They make having kids seem AWESOME! And here's why.

1) The first part only lasts two weeks.

Those sleepless first few newborn months? The terrible twos? Fast-forwarded in a just one fortnight! Okay, Woody, you're thinking, aren't there times that you want to pause and enjoy forever? The answer's yes, but hey, I've got a smart phone! I've got a camera with me at all times! In just seven fourteen days, your kid goes from human paperweight to literate, potty-trained, conversational, grade-school kid! (Not to mention that recovery after pregnancy is literally instant.) BOOM. Instead, we're almost two years in with DanPar, and he still hasn't gotten a job! NOT EVEN ONE. Lazy freeloader.

Future puppet dentist?

2) Kids clean things up when you tell them to.

Here's the biggest one, right in front. In the game, you just click on a puddle, and have your kid mopit up. Or you click on the trash and boom, they'll take it out in no time! It's easy as the pie that your kid just baked because they can cook, too. But in real life, the closest DanPar has come to cooking is putting blueberries on a banana to make it look like people driving around in a car. (And then eating the occupants.)

And while yes, he will wipe things up, he usually leaves more of a mess than there was before. We got him a play cleaning set, because he loves brooms, and now he uses the mop to play field hockey with his Batman ball.

3) They have a status bar.

This is probably the most legitimate claim as a loving parent. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone in your family had a status bar that told you when they were dirty? Or sleepy? Or lonely? Or bored? Let me tell you, we just taught DanPar to say "change" when he needs a new diaper. Okay, okay, he somehow learned on his own, but I'm sure I helped. And dude, that is SO nice. With baby Crash around, it would be unfairly convenient to be able to look and quickly know exactly when he'll want to nap, or when he'll be upset and why. I'm quickly recalling the checklist I had for DanPar when he was whiny:
- Too cold / too hot?

- Dirty / wet?

- Uncomfortable? Toes or fingers stuck?

- Wants to be held? (For Crash: Always.)

- Tired?

- Just being a baby? 

Right now, Crash is curled up against my stomach (the closest thing I have to a boob), and he's content, so I feel pretty confident. but give it an hour, and I'll be caught up in guesswork once again.

Big ol' hairy pillow!

There are many many more, such as being able to save your game, so that if you mess up your kid (by withholding pineapple or snuggles of course), you can always go back and fix things. Or the fact that children are literally invincible in the game. But looking at DanPar's reckless behavior, and how he rode a wagon down the stairs a week ago, cried for one minute, kissed his own boo-boos, and went on his way, that may already be the case.

In any case, even though I may have been initially misled by The Sims, I think we are doing outstanding. I'm really really happy. (And oh, oh so tired.)

An open garage

Last winter, when it started snowing big flakes, I brought a big soft chair to the open garage, snuggled with Daniel under a heavy blanket, and read his favorite book at the time, Ten Chirpy Chicks, while the world, just one arm's length away turned white.

That was a joy I don't think I'll ever forget.

Today, I'm sitting and reading a Kindle in the open garage as leaves fall, with Christopher dozing at my feet. And it makes me smile to feel that joy again.