Staying in control.

My kids push my buttons. DanPar sitting on the potty for ten minutes, then pooping his pants minutes afterwards. DanPar pushing his brother out of the way when he's running around. DanPar screaming because he isn't allowed to eat nothing but Nutrigrain bars and kefir all day. DanPar... okay, I guess only one kid really knows how to make me mad. Crash Boy is good at wearing down my patience, but it takes a kid doing something that he knows is wrong to get me steamed.

I like to picture myself as emotionally in control. Because wouldn't that be great? There's some axiom about "People have to have your permission to make you angry." It might be true, but it gives the wrong impression, because by default, people have that permission. You'd have to work to take that permission away from someone. It makes it sound like there's some sort of waiver you're signing to give someone permission to make someone mad.

But it all takes work. And staying in control of yourself takes work. Currently, I can list the situations my sweet magnificent boy does that really gets my goat. So, the plan is to visualize these situations beforehand, and have a plan to fall back on. If Daniel takes things away from Crash Boy, and I'm caught without a plan, I resort to anger.

I'm not proud of it, and luckily, I've had my first year of teaching to fall back on. For the first couple months, I maintained order by volume. "SIT DOWN." It worked. It worked when I lost my cool and put a bit of temper behind my words. But, inevitably, this became the new norm, and the students rose to the challenge. So, to reestablish that order, I turned it up to 11, and yelled. Yup. Yelled them into submission. But kids are adaptable little tykes, and so, by the end of the year, I went home with a sore voicebox, emotionally drained, and little actually accomplished.

It's important for me to have a system in place, even if it's just to make sure I don't lose my cool. Because today, with a rejuvenated spirit, I dealt with my sweet eldest kid after he dirtied his diaper after a long session sitting on the toilet. When I went in with a gentle reprimand, he clapped and said, "Yay! You're not mad at me!"

Whoops.

I'm certainly not a perfect parent, and goodness knows I'm just making things up as I go. But if there's one stratagem that works for me, it's to have a list of canned responses to the things that test my patience, so that if I'm out of patience, I've got a stock of acceptable things to say, and always be working on being a better parent, friend, and human.

These boys love their kefir!

The big little guy!

It's getting to the point where calling him "Baby Crash" makes less and less sense. He's getting so big!

At his last appointment, his progress with eating got him several pounds bigger!

He's also gaining language! I must have forgotten how easy sign language is for like guys, because we just kind of decided to teach him a few, and he's already got "milk" and "change" and "more".

As for spoken language, he's said three things, though he's not reliable at saying them: "Hi," "Ball," and "Dip." But you can tell he understands so much more. Just this morning, I asked DanPar for a plate, but instead, who should open the cabinet and hang me one but the Unstoppable Crash Boy!

The boys are also, finally, playing well together. Problems with sharing seem to have no end in sight, but the sweet boys love to run around, chasing each other, falling down, and going down slides.

But oh man. Crash is also undergoing sleep regression, when he starts to sleep more like a newborn at night. And he's got some molars coming in, which are causing him trouble. So he's a real handful at night, and it's got me thinking about how nice it would be to not have kids. You can't call in sick, any free time you get has to be negotiated, and even taking a shower takes forethought. And when I do get time to myself, it's simply the good and healthy thing to take a nap and try and get some sleep back. But man, not much free time awake means all the things I want to do have to take a backseat.

I spent New Year's organizing the basement, and it was amazing. Just to have free time spent not doing something for the kids, and not having to consider the kids.

Creepy!

Getting a head start on taxes. Smart boy!

But they are sweet boys. Good boys. Being a Dad is what I'm best at (although I'm far from perfect), and if I hadn't had these kids, I don't think I ever would've wanted to do anything with my free time beyond play videogames and think about the things I'd make when I'm not lazy. Being forced to not be lazy is quite a powerful medicine.

But I'm getting off-track. Crash is getting older, smarter, and stronger. He's learning to be a fun brother and cooperative son. And every day, he smiles more and more, even though his ability to walk has earned him more than a few bumps and bruises. We are truly a family that knows how to rub some dirt in it, and keep going.