Dadmaster: April 2019

I'm treating myself from a second-person perspective today. Instead of "I'm going to have sausage for breakfast!", it's "Hey, you need to eat. Get some sausage." Because I'm stressed to the point where I physically feel it. Now, I've had experience giving advice, and I've talked over that "if you got control of so-and-so's life for a little while, what would you do?" thing a few times. So now it's time to fall back on that. My first line of defense is gone. My normal way of doing things, by feeling my way along? Going with my gut? It's resulted in me losing my mind and losing my temper. So, I'm going to take the time to listen to myself.

"If I got control of my own life for a little while, what would I do?"

That's the question. I know that I can't rely on me to just... do things. I need a bit more intentionality. I need to give everything more time, and plan things out.
My gut just can't be trusted right now, and that's okay. I'm going to do everything I can to get better.

Here's what I've got going for me:

1. Layers to slough off.
Life starts to press in, but I've got layers to shed! I'm not doing the Copper Coin anymore, which, sure, is sad, but it's disposable, and I can pick it up later! I stopped writing my book, which, again, sad, but again, no big loss! It's time that I get back, and that I can spend on things on my plate.

2. The necessary parts are routine.
I did laundry today! Sometimes when I'm feeling blue, chores go out the window because I don't have enough energy. But the chores are so common that doing them takes very little energy!

3. I made a list.
Appreciation
Alone time
Slack
Sleep
Thanks to my forethought, I know what things I need more of in order to get better. It's literally on a post-it on our bulletin board. I need to give myself props, I need to spend time alone to mentally recharge, I need to not beat myself up for things, and I need to make sure my head's on the pillow as much as it needs to be there.

4. I am not a proud man.
It takes effort to ask for help, but I know the help is there. I've got plenty of close friends for mental support, and a good wife to help ease my load. I don't need to act like I've got a perfect life. I know I'm hurt and breaking, and there's power in owning up to that.

I know I'm going to be all right, but it's a sad time for me. I am unhappy right now, and I can physically feel how stressed I am. It's hard, because there's so much I feel like I should be doing, or at least could be doing. And there isn't a single big point of stress. Life just currently stresses me out in general. My day-to-day is slowly overwhelming, and it'll take sustained effort to get past that. But I need to take the time to take care of myself. Because it's what I need, and it's what my kids deserve.