I want to be able to lift things and carry them into my own house.
I want to see kids running after me and open my arms instead of cringing back.
I want to hold my boys in my lap again.
I'm scared that at the age of 31 I've already done something that will continue hurting me and holding me back.
As it is, it's hard to describe. If anything touches my, er, afflicted area, it hurts. If I'm up and walking around for a while, it starts to ache. Stairs are a bit of a strain. It feels better when I sit down, but getting up and sitting down hurts, so when I'm up, I try to get everything done.
On my left side, there's some sort of almond-sized swelling that's gotten smaller since the surgery, but has stayed the same for the last few days. That's the major source of pain, that right there. On my right side, there's some nerve or vein or something that gets an ache if I've been up and about, or if I go up and down stairs.
I'm trying to avoid all pain, hoping that it'll heal better if I don't do anything to aggravate it. But in the meantime, I still have all my boys to deal with, and I'm constantly sitting down and getting up. I don't know what sort of help to ask for, because I figured I'd get help until I got better. And I'm still waiting on that. So it's not like I know what I need, because I don't know if I need anything. When is it time to just bear through it?
I've called the urologists three times now, and they haven't been worried. But then again, it's not their nuts on the line here. It's not infected, and they've told me it's nothing I need to be rushed in to get taken care of. I just really don't want to be like this forever. I'm hoping that in a week, everything will be hunky dory. But the idea that things might be okay someday isn't exactly a cure for my worries.
What if I took it too hard that first week? What if I shouldn't have made the doctor laugh? What if I just never got the procedure done?
I'm scared that I'm never going to be 100% again.
