I got covid back in September. And when I was past the body aches and the sneezing and gross parts, I was excited to feel better. But as day and day went by, I noticed that I still felt tired throughout the day, that my brain was in a fog that I just couldn't shake. Was this the dreaded long covid??
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| My little slice of quarantine! |
Nope.
As it turns out, that's just my life! I'm just constantly exhausted from living with prolonged stress! I am burned out, and I know that other parents in similar situations feel the same way. I had a therapist (then my insurance decided not to cover her anymore, so that's a steaming pile of hogwash), and, while I was particularly good at not developing anxiety from stress, the more I got used to stress, the more my brain normalized my response.
Thank goodness for my last year's resolution! I had been noticing that my response to being overwhelmed often involved me losing my temper. One night, I told myself that the only goal was not to yell at my kids. And within minutes, I lost it. My poor stressed-out brain takes over, no matter what my attitude is going into a situation. So I set myself a resolution: Gently.
I had to change the way my brain responded. And while it's not the ideal response, it wasn't a destructive response, like it was. Now, when I'm overwhelmed, I'll slow things down. Gently. I'll take a slow breath. I'll still feel all the stress I did, but instead of acting externally, I did the exact opposite, and retreated internally. Gently. I would take my time addressing them, because I would only be half paying attention. But the alternative was too much.
As far as things to do when my kids are stressing my out, this is... well, it's the best reaction I can manage. After all, what you have to understand is that in these high-stress episodes, I'm on autopilot. And I still feel the stress, I still feel my heart beat faster and my stomach turn. I just react to it differently. When things are too much, I'll get quiet, put in headphones, play music, and be as alone as I can be. I've been known to hide from my kiddos in the pantry!
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| Demonstration of proper technique. |
Last year was all about not doing anything I'd regret. Maybe I'll always be fighting that battle against being burned out, so I'm doing my best. This year, I have two resolutions:
The first resolution is, "Be someone you're proud to be." I got myself a charm bracelet, I got a BUNCH of silly socks to wear (thanks, Mom!), and I take pictures of myself on days when I feel good. I'm trying to lose weight, I'm trying to gain muscle, and I'm trying to fight back against balding! Yes, a lot of this is physical and, well, yeah, it's shallow. But I like being in my own skin, and I like being able to smile at myself in the mirror, and being the nerdy guy who's also really handsome!
The second resolution is, "Party party party party!" And, well, to be honest, I may have been seltz'd out of my gourd when I came up with that one. But I stand by it! I feel like celebrating things is worthwhile, and bringing that feeling of celebration is awesome even when it's just something as simple as a weekly game of Dungeons and Dragons!
I don't mean to say that I've given up on getting better. I just have to view my recovery differently. I can't just get better, feel better, or be better. With the kids I've got at the age they are, I'm not going to be able to leave my stress behind. I can only cope. I've learned that however I stop feeling bad, it's doing to take a long time. I hope I get that time to recover, and that some day, I wake up and realize that my chest doesn't tighten with stress, that I feel rested, that my mind feels sharper than it did a year ago.
I don't know what things will look like between now and recovery. I don't know how long it'll take, but I'm doing a good job of enjoying things in the meantime! I'm proud of who I am.
Also: Party party party party!
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| Shirtless fried chicken! |
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| At Pindustry! I still am VERY good at parties! |
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| These precious little stressballs! I love them dearly! |
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| Part of my resolution to party party party party! We baked a cake for Big Bear's birthday! |
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| Our next cake project for Echo and I! |
