Bad Decisions Farm

Hey! My last post was a bit bleak, and, to be fair to myself, things are still bleak. My chest stopped being tight and terrible on Monday, but it's Saturday, and I woke up to children fighting, my teeth not biting right, and my chest is right there again, reminding me that I can't handle what comes at me every day.

But let me tell you about my farm. Jessi decided it was time to play a videogame we haven't played in years, Stardew Valley! Memories about the game never fail to make us smile. We've played it a dozen times, but every new time feels so fresh and fun. She is truly the awesomest wife.

We named our imaginary homestead "Bad Decisions Farm", because, inevitably, we'll have so much fun playing that we'll stay up way WAY late, until we realize it's past midnight, and time to do the Wordle!

Now, as veterans, we know exactly what we're doing. I get up, hit the mines, fight the monsters, do the stuff that allows Jessi to improve the farm. Jessi, somehow taking up similar reins even in a videogame, is the one that makes alllllllll the money, laying out our farm in an efficient and beautiful fashion. Right now, we're growing strawberries and potatoes, because it's spring! We're also raising pigs to sniff out truffles, and that's exciting!

I am also reading like a MANIAC, currently in the middle of Palm Beach (Mary Adkins), A Darker Shade Of Magic (V. E. Schwab), and I'm in between books 2 and 3 of the Darth Bane trilogy (Drew Karpyshyn).

I am proud of my friends and proud of my family, and I look forward to better days to come. Summer has its own comforts and challenges, but I survived the last one, and I'll survive this one!

They dug out the Duplos and are just going wild!

Dread

 I'm going through some bad days. I'm not only stressed, but I'm unhappy. I know this isn't normal for me, so I'm worried.

I just dread almost every day, because I know most days are going to bring more than I can handle and no time to recover.

And I can't point out what makes me unhappy. It's just a lot that's on me. 2021, I made a New Year's Resolution that this would be the year I'd stop thinking about my teeth everyday. Two years later, I still have to go into the dentist at least every month because things aren't right and don't feel right. My kids fight, and no matter how much attention or patience I seem to will up, they just keep fighting, and all I'm left with is a sense of being drained and dreading every moment spent with them.

I'm unhappy, though, there's no doubt there. When I'm happy, oh!, it's just glorious. I make birdhouses, I send postcards, I go out of my way to make people feel better. I shine when I'm happy!

And I don't know what I need. I want less time with the kids, but even when I'm given time off, it feels like it all comes back up as soon as I'm with them again.

I think it's a result of stress keeping me exhausted. When I'm exhausted, I don't want to plan fun things, I just want to be left alone and relax. I don't want to feel like I'm spending my time just struggling by, but these days are so hard. This past week has been particularly rough. No real reason why.

I'm grateful that Jessi makes my days always begin and end with joy, that I have neighbors I can lean on, and friends who check in on me and genuinely care about me. My current everything is really being helped by what I've been building up all these years, and I'm very proud of me.