Dread

 I'm going through some bad days. I'm not only stressed, but I'm unhappy. I know this isn't normal for me, so I'm worried.

I just dread almost every day, because I know most days are going to bring more than I can handle and no time to recover.

And I can't point out what makes me unhappy. It's just a lot that's on me. 2021, I made a New Year's Resolution that this would be the year I'd stop thinking about my teeth everyday. Two years later, I still have to go into the dentist at least every month because things aren't right and don't feel right. My kids fight, and no matter how much attention or patience I seem to will up, they just keep fighting, and all I'm left with is a sense of being drained and dreading every moment spent with them.

I'm unhappy, though, there's no doubt there. When I'm happy, oh!, it's just glorious. I make birdhouses, I send postcards, I go out of my way to make people feel better. I shine when I'm happy!

And I don't know what I need. I want less time with the kids, but even when I'm given time off, it feels like it all comes back up as soon as I'm with them again.

I think it's a result of stress keeping me exhausted. When I'm exhausted, I don't want to plan fun things, I just want to be left alone and relax. I don't want to feel like I'm spending my time just struggling by, but these days are so hard. This past week has been particularly rough. No real reason why.

I'm grateful that Jessi makes my days always begin and end with joy, that I have neighbors I can lean on, and friends who check in on me and genuinely care about me. My current everything is really being helped by what I've been building up all these years, and I'm very proud of me.