Oh. Well... keep it up.

The last five years, conditions in my head have only gotten worse.

Yesterday, I was in a really bad mood, but determined to have a good attitude.

I did well. I baked a cake in the shape of a bear with Echo, I took Daniel to play at Eli's house, I went on a walk with Crash, I went sledding with all three of them.

But I was so fed up at the end of it, because through it all, they were fighting, complaining, bickering, trying to get each other in trouble.

At bedtime, I told Crash to clean up pillows he'd left in the doorway, and he threw himself dramatically on his bed and wailed.

I went downstairs, muttering "fuck fuck fuck" under my breath, my heart pounding, my breath coming short and painfully.

I took THC, and it didn't help.

I sat and relaxed.

I slept for nine hours last night.

And I woke up today, tired, angry, and stressed.

And now I'm at it again. My kids are fighting, my kids are complaining at me for things I can't help with, and I'm already fed up with the day after an hour and a half of being awake.

I'm not doing well.

Sledding down the backyard hill!

Playing at Eli's house, sliding through frosted grass!

Baking a bear cake with Echo!

I read a comic yesterday, where a guy is talking to his brain.

"Hey little buddy, how are you coping?"

And the brain, with little cartoon eyes that look haunted replies, "Unsustainably."

And the guy just says, "Oh. Well... keep it up."

And I laughed at that comic so much, because truly, that's how I am. I'm coping, I'm doing my best, but things are only getting worse, getting harder to deal with. But what else can I do? Keep it up.