Moving forward

So, I got a new doctor, and just like my new dentist, it's got me realizing that my old doctor may not have been a good match for me.

By the end of our introductory session, she'd set me up for a sleep study to work on how I never feel rested, a physical therapist to work on my shoulder, and prescribed me escitalopram for my stress! (After she heard I'd been going to counseling for three years.)

It feels like progress, which is what I needed things to feel like. April came, May came, and I hadn't made any headway in lowering my stress. It was starting to make things feel hopeless, which was starting to make me sad, because I want to be present to take care of my kids, not just hiding in the pantry trying to get my heart to slow down.

And it has been a rough time to be a parent to these kids. I feel like when the new neighbors moved in, our kids went over there and learned some new bad habits to bring home. And it's hard, because I want the kids to play over there, because friendship, and because it gives me space to breathe, but rules are more lax, they are allowed to surf the internet with less restriction or oversight, and it's scary.

But this is about ME. Because I haven't had the mind or will to do anything about anything.

I'm looking forward. I don't know if this year will be a turning point, but I'm finally feeling like I'm taking action.

The Good Mood

 Yesterday was a dreary morning, a rainy morning, a morning where each of the kids seemed to have their own personal crisis keeping them from getting out of the door.

And when I came back home, Jessi mentioned that she was going to make a joke about how miserable things were, but wasn't sure if I'd be in the mood for it, since I had every right to be a bit grumpy.

But I wasn't!

And oh man, when I realized I was in a good mood? I got myself into gear.

Good days are harder to come by in this part of my life, so I feel like when I feel good, I have a responsibility to help others feel good, too.

I wrote ten Mother's Day cards yesterday and mailed them out, to friends across the country, because it was the best way I could think of to try to spread the smile on my face. And I felt so proud to be me, because even when the last few years have been the toughest on my poor little mind, my instinct when I'm feeling good is to reach out and lift up others.

And now, status update on 2025 and my thermonuclear war on stress!

My stress level is about where it usually is and has been. Uncomfortably high, with a tight chest happening about twice a week. I had a few seconds where the sky above my mind seemed to clear up, and it was amazing! I felt like I could do anything! But the clouds rolled back in, as inevitably as if I were trying to change the weather by force of will.

I exercise regularly, eat well, take several vitamins and herbs that are meant to be mood-boosting or stress-busting, and stay in touch with friends. I know that I don't get enough sleep, but those hours after bedtime are the only hours I really get alone with my wife and best friend.

I don't feel any closer to a solution, but I've got a therapy session today. I don't know what path we'll take.

I should continue to meditate and pursue EMDR at home. I don't know if I'm waiting for someone to say "Let's get you on some drugs". I guess I'm just pursuing every single possible alternative. (But seriously, if there's a happy pill, I want all of them.)