The Long Recovery

I got covid back in September. And when I was past the body aches and the sneezing and gross parts, I was excited to feel better. But as day and day went by, I noticed that I still felt tired throughout the day, that my brain was in a fog that I just couldn't shake. Was this the dreaded long covid??

My little slice of quarantine!

Nope.

As it turns out, that's just my life! I'm just constantly exhausted from living with prolonged stress! I am burned out, and I know that other parents in similar situations feel the same way. I had a therapist (then my insurance decided not to cover her anymore, so that's a steaming pile of hogwash), and, while I was particularly good at not developing anxiety from stress, the more I got used to stress, the more my brain normalized my response.

Thank goodness for my last year's resolution! I had been noticing that my response to being overwhelmed often involved me losing my temper. One night, I told myself that the only goal was not to yell at my kids. And within minutes, I lost it. My poor stressed-out brain takes over, no matter what my attitude is going into a situation. So I set myself a resolution: Gently.

I had to change the way my brain responded. And while it's not the ideal response, it wasn't a destructive response, like it was. Now, when I'm overwhelmed, I'll slow things down. Gently. I'll take a slow breath. I'll still feel all the stress I did, but instead of acting externally, I did the exact opposite, and retreated internally. Gently. I would take my time addressing them, because I would only be half paying attention. But the alternative was too much.

As far as things to do when my kids are stressing my out, this is... well, it's the best reaction I can manage. After all, what you have to understand is that in these high-stress episodes, I'm on autopilot. And I still feel the stress, I still feel my heart beat faster and my stomach turn. I just react to it differently. When things are too much, I'll get quiet, put in headphones, play music, and be as alone as I can be. I've been known to hide from my kiddos in the pantry!

Demonstration of proper technique.

Last year was all about not doing anything I'd regret. Maybe I'll always be fighting that battle against being burned out, so I'm doing my best. This year, I have two resolutions:

The first resolution is, "Be someone you're proud to be." I got myself a charm bracelet, I got a BUNCH of silly socks to wear (thanks, Mom!), and I take pictures of myself on days when I feel good. I'm trying to lose weight, I'm trying to gain muscle, and I'm trying to fight back against balding! Yes, a lot of this is physical and, well, yeah, it's shallow. But I like being in my own skin, and I like being able to smile at myself in the mirror, and being the nerdy guy who's also really handsome!

The second resolution is, "Party party party party!" And, well, to be honest, I may have been seltz'd out of my gourd when I came up with that one. But I stand by it! I feel like celebrating things is worthwhile, and bringing that feeling of celebration is awesome even when it's just something as simple as a weekly game of Dungeons and Dragons!

I don't mean to say that I've given up on getting better. I just have to view my recovery differently. I can't just get better, feel better, or be better. With the kids I've got at the age they are, I'm not going to be able to leave my stress behind. I can only cope. I've learned that however I stop feeling bad, it's doing to take a long time. I hope I get that time to recover, and that some day, I wake up and realize that my chest doesn't tighten with stress, that I feel rested, that my mind feels sharper than it did a year ago.

I don't know what things will look like between now and recovery. I don't know how long it'll take, but I'm doing a good job of enjoying things in the meantime! I'm proud of who I am.

Also: Party party party party!

Shirtless fried chicken!

At Pindustry! I still am VERY good at parties!

These precious little stressballs! I love them dearly!

Part of my resolution to party party party party! We baked a cake for Big Bear's birthday!

Our next cake project for Echo and I!

Adulting

 I am a choremaster. I do laundry every other day, I run the dishwasher 2-3 times a day, and I'm constantly in a state of cleaning. Whenever I move from one room to another, I pick up the things that are out of place and take them at least that much closer to their final destination.

And I'm happy with that. I like to clean, I like to organize, I like to listen to a good book (or a bad book even!) and just do the things that, after years and years, take no actual effort on my part! On a day when my mood is as low as it ever is, you bet your butt that the dishes will get done!

Now add kids to the equation, and now it all takes effort!

And of course it does. Good parenting is difficult, and I put energy into these little munchkins. I hope it pays off. I certainly know that they know how much I love them, and it's great.

I have two worries: First, I hope my kids are good people and want to hang out with me and talk to me when they grow up. Second, I hope that my constant state of stress doesn't manage to affect me in the long-term. My therapist has been warning me that chronic stress is a bad thing (not exactly a surprise, but it's cool that someone's job is keeping it from happening).

I don't worry, I don't have anxiety, and stress is such an in-the-moment thing. It's sad to see it happen, that my spirits can so quickly go from "What a nice day!" to "I hope I survive the day!", but I'm going to get through this. My life will not always have kids sitting on me when I'm trying to edit, or screaming at each other as a way to wake me up.

I can't exactly say I have a point to writing all this. It's just been a week full of chores, and the house is no cleaner than when I began, and I'm constantly overwhelmed. Well, okay, I do have a point to writing all this. My therapist told me to! Journaling (and by extension, blogging) is a way to build resilience, so I'm not just carrying all my stress.

Also, between stress and anxiety and worry? I'm glad it's stress. Stress goes away.

All right, I'm going to try and get ahead on my editing, now! I love my Copper Coin Editing business.

Two Degrees Of Separation

 I am a very lucky person!

Here's why.

I am two degrees of separation from toxic people. From people who believe that Trump rightfully won the election, from people who condemn Simone Biles for having nervous issues during the Olympics, from people who complain that black actors don't belong in Lord Of The Rings, and from people who believe therapy is for losers.

I don't think I really curate my friends, either. I think I'm just a person who has done a good job nurturing the healthy relationships I have.

I've mentioned the list before, right?

Every month, I have a list of people I want to keep in contact with. These are people from my life who have been supportive, loving, and have helped develop me into the person I want to be. It's a list of 25 people.

I'm having a hard time right now, and that's been the case. But you know what I haven't been having a hard time with? Having friends. I do not feel alone, I do not feel unloved, I do not feel like there's no one I can reach out to.

I'm excited for my therapy tomorrow. Just like I'm going in for my annual physical, I've written out a page of all the questions I have, all the maladies I have, all the little questions I have.

And all my friends, who have been with me every step of the way, are excited to see me go and be responsible with my mental health. <3

Daniel knows how to microwave his own popcorn! He's very proud, and excited to learn how to make his own food!

This watermelon is a whopping 26 pounds!!!

Going bowling with my sweet little Echo Guy!

Crash Boy wasn't in any of our houses! Turns out, he was on the Ingram's patio, playing with mud!

Getting a Big Bear carry at Kohl's!

Me time???

 This is all new to me! I have TIME now! To myself! And I want to spend a good while just recovering first. Weekends are still stressful, and well, the kids DO come home every day, and by golly, I'm not going to feel bad for taking care of myself.

Every day, I want to do something artistic.

Today, I painted a rock to look like a hot dog. It was awesome. I'm not the sort of person who can come up with ideas all the time, but luckily, I like to doodle. I can take a blank sheet of paper and a pen (I prefer pens, I don't know why!) and make something. And plenty of internet things let me generate ideas. I could even write, if I wanted to! I rarely want to, because writing has more rules to follow than doodles, but if I've got the energy, which I may have someday, that'd be great!

Every week, I want to think of something to do with one of the boys.

Something that has recently creeped up to scare me is the fear that my kids won't want to hang out with me when they grow up. I have a rule in my head to have more positive interactions with people than negative ones, and with my kids, I want to take it a step further. I want to have a THING with each kid, something that, in years to come, I can say "Remember how we used to ___?" Or, even better, "I can't believe we've been doing ___ every week since you were a kid!"

Whenever I feel like a nap, I'm going to take a nap.

I've been exhausted for years and years, and hey, maybe that's because I love staying up with Jessi doing stuff. So I want to take a nap. I'm really good at getting chores done, but there are some chores that never end: organizing everything, getting the clothes folded and put away, etc. When it comes to priority, those endless chores come after my nap. I get emotionally beat pretty quickly, but I have a chance to not be physically tired all the time!

I'm going to have a clean house.

Generally, I like cleaning. I like popping my wireless earbuds into my head and listening to some book while scrubbing counters. When the house is not clean, it's like the kids have some sort of secret permission to take it and make it even LESS clean! Not to mention, Jessi and I just feel better about everything when we're living in a nice and clean place.

I'm going to hit the gym!

Back in April, I started going to the gym, and it made me feel better! My shoulder stopped hurting, and it was a great way to start the day! Sweet old April Woody thought that it would be the solution to all my stressful problems and I'd seen the end of it! But then my boys started waking up earlier and earlier, and before I knew it, my time to hit the gym was swallowed up. I have a set of weights at home, and, yeah, I should probably get better at using those, too, but there's something about going to a place dedicated to working out!

I'm going to read!

I know what you're thinking. "Woody, you always read!" And, well, sure, that's definitely true. At the moment, I have a fun audiobook I'm listening to, a long audiobook I'm listening to, a physical book I'm reading, and a Kindle book I'm reading. Perhaps it would be better to say, "I'm going to continue to read!" I'm proud that reading doesn't take much energy for me, and it's a delight to constantly have stories going through my head. Besides, it's probably good practice for my editing career! Speaking of which...

I'm going to edit!

By now, you know that my dreams have shifted over to the idea that editing books is my destiny. I've got experience, and I'm pretty good at it! I'm personable with authors, and I love to read! I love to help people make something worth reading, and it offers a flexible schedule so I can keep up with the kids! Someone offered me some work editing non-fiction articles, and I'm excited to try it out, see how it feels! Oh man, and Jessi's book needs to be out in the world! I'm so happy with how it is, and I want to help get it out there. It's the sort of fun and great book that needs to be on our shelf.

I want to keep working towards the person I want to be. It's been difficult, which is a hard thing to admit, but throughout the last couple of crazy years, I've still noticed that I'm here. Whenever I have energy, I spend it sharing happiness with people. Whenever I'm without my kids, I'm smiling and chatting with strangers like we're friends!

I'm getting there!

Hot dog rock!

Summer coming to an end!

 I like the summer, and I knew going into it that it was going to be hard! The sun is out later, which means the kids are up later, and Daniel was home all day every day!

A week before school ended, I told Jessi that this summer was probably going to be really fun and really stressful. And it was both!

I can give myself two heaping scoops of pats on the back. I took my kids to libraries and pools, parks and fairs. I hiked Red Rocks with Echo, I decorated cupcakes with Crash, and I played Dungeons & Dragons with Daniel. We were inside and outside, reading on couches and playing videogames on the back deck. We hung out with the cousins, school friends, out-of-town friends.

I think, though, that school is going to be the turning point. Just me and Echo, just the one kid (clingy though he is) should be much easier on me. I truly believe that I need to heal and relearn how to be myself. I've set myself aside for these kids, but I'm going to take a step in getting me back. It might take a while; I'm going to treat myself as though I've been through a traumatic time of my life, and hey, that's not far from the truth!

In one week, I'm lessening my load, and I'm going to try and remember how to sit in front of a blank piece of paper and fill with with wonderful things. First, though, I'm going to try and clean up the house. I really don't mind chores! I can do chores.

Something else that I'm shoehorning in here, is that I love one concept of dating profiles; the "here are 5 or 6 pictures that showcase me at my happiest, proudest, and most representative of who-I-am" setup. So I've been trying to get pictures of me. Because throughout all this, I know that I love me.

I get the feeling that I complain about my kids a lot. And while I consider that a healthy venting response for me, it's not fair to the boys. They're wonderful and creative kids who like to have fun, and love to bring fun with them. Spending time with them has reminded me to see spectacles in the patterns of rocks, of how nice it is to hold something and throw it because it's fun to throw, fun to see all the things you can do in this world. They're new to being alive, is what it is, and it's a wonder to watch their awe.

It's time for summer to come to an end.

And (wow I'm actually choking up writing this) I hope it's time for me to get a break.

:)

Ugly sourdough! (But hey, I tried!)

See the little crowns? We dressed up for the Renaissance Festival!

My sweet little Echo guy getting a "Big Bear carry!"

Good picture of my face!

Good picture of Daniel's face!

Even a fence is an adventure!

They're learning how to smile for a camera, haha, sweet boys.
Building Legos at the library!

Jumping on rocks at Anchor Point!

A bit silly, but hey, I look good!

Crash Boy the silly boy!

My particular stress

 So, while I'm very stressed (had a rough go at the dentist this morning, and the day has just NOT let up), I figured I may as well list off the symptoms of me being very stressed!

My chest feels tight, and my heart is pounding. My throat feels swollen, like you're getting over a sore throat. The world is a little bit fuzzy, as if my mind knows that a small thing could tip me over the edge, so it sort of blurs everything, like I'm not entirely in my body, but a little behind it. 

Things that slightly annoy me become the sorts of things that make me physically flinch. Echo playfully stepping in front of me while I'm trying to walk somewhere, because he's a goober, makes me recoil, as if in pain.

My stomach aches, like I've eaten too much. At the same time, I just want to eat tasty things and feel anything other than stress. Chocolate is good. Lots of chocolate is even better.

On a more psychological level, I avoid people. I don't want hugs, I don't want to talk it out, I want to go into a soundproof room and turn off the lights. I don't have the energy that it takes, so I look away rather than meeting anyone's eyes, I let conversations drift off, and I make it clear that I'm doing something else, like reading.

I'm tired, even though I'm not sleepy. I can't think of anything that would actually recharge my batteries, so I lie down and try to sleep, because sleep is anywhere but here.

Just to keep it clear, I'm not sad, and I'm not anxious. I'm stressed. I've got an insurance-covered coach that I talk to, who comes with a program on stress, anxiety, and worry. My stress is through the roof! On a good note, my anxiety and worry aren't even making a wave.

So what do I do?

That's a good question. One of the reasons I'm stressed is because I can't easily leave my boys alone. They fight, they complain, they break things, and they poop their pants. They also very rudely ignore my attempts to stay in the background, and want me to help them with everything. I explain how I feel, but I can tell they don't really understand, so they don't know how to help.

I try to get more time alone, but stress is a real kick in the pants, because when my stress is at its highest, that's when I'm needed most, when my boys are doing things that are making things hard. That's when I can't leave.

I try to look ahead to a better time, but I have a hard time seeing it. Echo is needy, dude, and when it's just him and me, it'll be hard to be away from him once Crash is at school.

I try to live my own life even with kids. The breweries have been fun, but I'm still with kids, keeping them from running into roads, handling their complaints, and solving their problems, even with a beer in my hands.

That's a lot of "I try" statements, and hey, there's probably not a good solution right now, so that's okay.

I do breathing exercises. Inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8. Repeat. I listen to my own music, with headphones in. (Even though it's interrupted often, it still helps.) I make it through the day, and I do things. I relentlessly do things with my kids. I don't stop being a good dad, and I try and tell myself it'll be better.

Anyways. I'm gonna keep on trying to get through today.

All the best!

Added a few minutes later:

It's important to say, I'm really happy. And that might sound really dumb to say. Here I am, so stressed that I'm sick, but I have so much to smile about. My stress is awful, no doubt, but I live a happy life. I'm in a good situation. I have so much fun.

Jam-packed days!

The days are PACKED. Here's a few things from my last two weeks!

We went to Lemon Lime, Crash Boy volunteered to assign Crewmate and Imposters to the cousins in a playground game of Among Us, and Jordan woke me up by magnifying the sun on my cheek because I'd fallen asleep on the ground. (I was angry for ten minutes, but then I was laughing about it.) It's awesome to have neighbors around my age and keeping me young! I'd be taking the express line to grumptown without them!

Got Crash Boy back on the scooter! He's more reluctant to get on one, so it was good to see him go for it. All three of the boys have been scooting to and from school, and it's just awesome to see them. It's a great skill! Echo is such a natural when it comes to it!

LOTS of blanket forts. Echo was sleeping in one during the day, and we built one in the middle of the kitchen, which got a bit more territorial than we wanted! But I love love love how much they like to make little places and use our big ol' house. It reminds me of me!

Storytime at the library! It's good to see my boys sitting down and listening to someone. It gives me hope for their oncoming school days. Grandma Betsy joined in (we snuck her in, tee hee!) and it was really nice. Finally returned some overdue books, too. Gosh, it's just good to go places again. This darn pandemic, man.

Editing Jared's short story! He loves to expand the world, and I can't blame him; I love it, too. I just wish he'd establish the world first! We can't have all these new things thrown in at once!

I started drawing a comic! I have no idea what I'm doing. I can't decide if I want to draw everything, or have set shapes for characters, or even... well, anything. I have no idea what I'm doing, and I think I'm okay with that! I'm just happy to create!

The Moose Showcase! Daniel made a diorama, and all the cousins, ALL THE COUSINS, went and looked at all the different things each grade made! His was about a dragon in the bathtub! 

It's wet backyard season! Hoses, water balloons, turtle kiddie pools, bubbles, the works!

Tiling at Mom's! The boys sure love being out there, and they had a good time playing with the toys! I even got a good little doze-off on the chair! I was SO tired. And Jessi and Jess and Mom made some awesome art to show off! I love how comfortable I can be around my family, and how my family is comfortable with each other. And it's no small family!

Crash Boy has been under the weather. Just tired and feverish. Poor guy. Still in good spirits, though, because he's a sweet boy.

Frog hunt!!! We went out to the pond out back because we heard croaking, and Jaina was dreaming big dreams of catching one and putting it in a prepared bucket! No luck, but the kids did get really muddy! (Which meant it was bathtime once we got back home!)

Dune racing at Grandma and Papa's! They were out there for well over an hour just driving around, picking up pinecones, pretending to park and go shopping, using pinecones as currency! Oh, and filling their socks with rocks.

The dentist! Echo had a tooth pulled, and it was ROUGH. The dentist was busy doing something else, and, well, Echo got antsy just laying in a chair sniffing nitrous, so when they finally came in, he screamed and thrashed and we had to hold him down. He is a strong kid!

SO MUCH PLAY-DOH!!! Whenever cousins come over and I want something creative they can do together, I break out the Play-Doh. I feel like we go through a few tubs every time, because they mix the colors into a delightful poo-brown and then leave it to dry and get crusty. But hey, at 50 cents a tub, it's well worth it! It's good fun. And hey, it's not like the dining room WASN'T gonna be messy.

Picnic! On Wednesday, Daniel came home and told me that he and the cousins were going to have a picnic! I love that they make plans on their own. As dutiful parents, we got them fruit and snacks and otter pops and spread out blankets and watched over them while they got to enjoy being kids and friends and cousins and neighbors. <3

The book! Oh, it feels SO good to be reading for fun. And to be reading a fun book for fun! I picked a random book last time we were at the library, When You Read This, and I'm already over halfway through! 

Seeking out CRIME!!! J2 found a new true crime podcast, and so I decided to join in! It's been a lot of fun to talk about the unfolding story.

It has all been just crazy. And yet, every weekend, it just feels like the week went quickly! That's why I'm writing all this, I suppose! I want to appreciate HOW MUCH STUFF I do.

And today, I want to make sure I remember today! Because today was a good one!

We the parents decided it was high time that we do something that WE want to do. Because we always do things that the kids want to do! So Jordan, Jess and I went to a library, because hey, kids like libraries, and, even more importantly, they have AURORA CRAFT BEER PASSPORTS!!!! You go around to different local breweries and they stamp to say that you've been! And if you get five, you get a free pint glass from the library!

It was a bunch of fun. The kids were busying themselves, coloring, snacking, and messing with the camera, and by golly, it was just so nice to do a thing that wasn't directly parenting. Drinking a beer during the day with good friends. I loved it. It made me feel like an individual, rather than a duty-bound parent!