The Summer Slog!

 50 days, ladies and gentlemen! 50 days until the boys are all in school. I've been overstressed since 2019, and I am ALMOST THERE.

Summer has been tough. Kids stay up late because of the sun, and it's as if the neighbor-cousins scheduled their trips so that they're away whenever we're at home!

There's been no shortage of creativity from our boys. Daniel's turning out to be a Lego maniac, Crash likes to sit down with markers and paper, and Echo.... well, okay, Echo is just as much a muggle-rat as he's ever been. This sweet guy, he just loves to be in the middle of things, and sometimes that means he wants to lie down in front of the oven when we're baking, or come screaming and crying down the stairs whenever Mama leaves the house, even if it's just to turn on the front yard sprinklers.

And they are SO LOUD. Some days I'll hide from my kids in the pantry because I can't trust myself to keep my cool, or cover my ears with my hands while they're screaming because it hurts my ears and takes my stress to astronomically high levels!

I can say "I just need a break", but it was almost a relief when Father's Day didn't really pan out. I was exhausted and emotionally spent, and even if I had a day to go out and do my own thing, I feel like I would've spent the entire time just wishing I were back home, sitting down.

I need time, not just one day away. Time to recover, which I have to accept might look like a few weeks not doing anything. I'm tired. I want to fly to the heights that I know I can, but I'm lucky to feel like I can (metaphorically) walk most days.

The boys have begun their week of swim lessons! I think they're going to do really well! Daniel was scream-crying at us just yesterday (for probably 30 minutes straight) that he didn't want to go, but he was excited today. Echo's a bit hesitant to trust the instructor to hold him at a distance while he practices kicks, but he's learning what he can. He's a bright little muggle-rat, and that's the truth.

I made myself a little schedule to follow, for things to clean and things to do when I've finally got time, and I think that's a good move for me. I'm a checklist kind of guy, when it comes down to it!

Okay, it's shower time. I feel sticky. SUMMER!!!

Bad Decisions Farm

Hey! My last post was a bit bleak, and, to be fair to myself, things are still bleak. My chest stopped being tight and terrible on Monday, but it's Saturday, and I woke up to children fighting, my teeth not biting right, and my chest is right there again, reminding me that I can't handle what comes at me every day.

But let me tell you about my farm. Jessi decided it was time to play a videogame we haven't played in years, Stardew Valley! Memories about the game never fail to make us smile. We've played it a dozen times, but every new time feels so fresh and fun. She is truly the awesomest wife.

We named our imaginary homestead "Bad Decisions Farm", because, inevitably, we'll have so much fun playing that we'll stay up way WAY late, until we realize it's past midnight, and time to do the Wordle!

Now, as veterans, we know exactly what we're doing. I get up, hit the mines, fight the monsters, do the stuff that allows Jessi to improve the farm. Jessi, somehow taking up similar reins even in a videogame, is the one that makes alllllllll the money, laying out our farm in an efficient and beautiful fashion. Right now, we're growing strawberries and potatoes, because it's spring! We're also raising pigs to sniff out truffles, and that's exciting!

I am also reading like a MANIAC, currently in the middle of Palm Beach (Mary Adkins), A Darker Shade Of Magic (V. E. Schwab), and I'm in between books 2 and 3 of the Darth Bane trilogy (Drew Karpyshyn).

I am proud of my friends and proud of my family, and I look forward to better days to come. Summer has its own comforts and challenges, but I survived the last one, and I'll survive this one!

They dug out the Duplos and are just going wild!

Dread

 I'm going through some bad days. I'm not only stressed, but I'm unhappy. I know this isn't normal for me, so I'm worried.

I just dread almost every day, because I know most days are going to bring more than I can handle and no time to recover.

And I can't point out what makes me unhappy. It's just a lot that's on me. 2021, I made a New Year's Resolution that this would be the year I'd stop thinking about my teeth everyday. Two years later, I still have to go into the dentist at least every month because things aren't right and don't feel right. My kids fight, and no matter how much attention or patience I seem to will up, they just keep fighting, and all I'm left with is a sense of being drained and dreading every moment spent with them.

I'm unhappy, though, there's no doubt there. When I'm happy, oh!, it's just glorious. I make birdhouses, I send postcards, I go out of my way to make people feel better. I shine when I'm happy!

And I don't know what I need. I want less time with the kids, but even when I'm given time off, it feels like it all comes back up as soon as I'm with them again.

I think it's a result of stress keeping me exhausted. When I'm exhausted, I don't want to plan fun things, I just want to be left alone and relax. I don't want to feel like I'm spending my time just struggling by, but these days are so hard. This past week has been particularly rough. No real reason why.

I'm grateful that Jessi makes my days always begin and end with joy, that I have neighbors I can lean on, and friends who check in on me and genuinely care about me. My current everything is really being helped by what I've been building up all these years, and I'm very proud of me.

150 days!!!

 It's about 150 days until Echo starts preschool, and it's got me thinking about my own work, and about being at home with Jessi, and I don't think I've been so excited for anything in my life!

A couple days ago, I was feeling worried that an editing job was going to be hard to keep up; after all, it's not often you hear about freelance editors.

But oh man, this morning just happened, and it was BUSY! One author sent me a new chapter to get to and post today, one friend sent me a resume bio to look at and asked me to send them an invoice, and one author gave me their Chapter 1, so that we could brainstorm the rest of the book! It was busy! And all of this is while I'm currently contracted to get through a 100,000-word novel that I'm hoping to finish the second draft of this week!

And let's not forget that Jessi and I just walk around the house, stop and look at how we're doing, and just say, "Damn, we've got a good thing going." We are IN LOVE, and being together is such a delight. I have a lot of bad days, lots of things that just press on me throughout, and kids that can be so demanding and hard to simply be around, but at the end of the day, it's Jessi and I, being together. It's amazing, because even after a day that's been rough from sunup to sundown, I always have a delightful evening and night, because it's with my favorite person ever.

I really look forward to working next to each other, across the study peninsula, and for taking lunch breaks together. And with no kids in the way! It makes the bad days a little easier on me, knowing that there is a time coming towards us when we'll spend the days together. We're so happy together, pleasant together, and comfortable together.

I know it's like the opposite of retirement, but it feels a bit like a retirement from stay-at-home parenting! Except for the summers! I'm gonna have to survive those, but the boys have been better at playing outside in the moments of warm weather we're having!

Good days are on their ways!

My sweet family!

Where I'm working today!

How to Vanity

The first draft of my New Year's Resolution was this: Vanity.

Not exactly inspiring any feelings of goodwill or anything, so I suppose I'd better elaborate.

One of my best friends found themselves unexpectedly single, and decided to set up an online dating profile. I have always had dubious feelings towards online dating, because I did things the old-fashioned way: by dating all of my wife's friends in high school before finally dating her. (It's a joke.)

I started to ask my single friends about dating profiles, the ones that they've made, and the ones that they've seen, and honestly, I like the idea of it.

Here are the THREE TENETS that I like about a dating profile, that I have needlessly expanded to everyone in general who lives in the digital age:

1) Have six good current pictures of yourself.

You either think this is easy, or you think this is impossible. And that's just it. We live in a culture that values the individual. Which is a WONDERFUL thing in my opinion, because we are all such amazing little infinities in ourselves. A little bit of order, a lotta bit of chaos, a dash of ourselves, a dash of everyone who has helped us be ourselves (for better or for worse) along the way, and you have YOU.

And now, if someone asked you to have on hand  six photos to represent YOU, what will you do?

You can't plan every picture, you can't sit yourself down and say, "Listen up, asshat, today we are going to have a picture of us laughing with our friends, GOT IT?" because that's not how things work. But if you live in the digital age as much as I do, and I'm a millennial so it's quite a bit, you know the value of a picture. Pictures tell a thousand words.

Pretty simple. This is me. I'm a casual dude, I have funny socks, and I'm wearing a Dungeons & Dragons shirt.

If there's something you should know about me, it's that I love my boys.

Crash's first day of school! It's just such a happy picture all over, and it makes me happy to look at!

I swear, this boy is such a ham. No idea who he gets it from...
Anyways, this is a good picture because it shows silliness, it shows us doing a thing, and it makes people smile!

In an honest-to-goodness dating profile, you want to present yourself as the sort of person that someone could see themselves not only liking, but as a person they could have fun with. I think it's a huge part of me that I have luau birthdays and it was SO fun!

My last stop on my insane California day of solo adventure: a rocky outcropping that stretched into the Pacific! I don't exactly know what it says about me, but nothing bad, to be sure!

Well, quite simply, I look good, and I love the rainbow scarf Jessi made me! It's also quite honest with my hairline.

This picture is me trying my best to portray the person I want to be. Smiles, kindness, confidence. And it shows my whole body, not just the face! (Certainly helps that I've lost a lot of weight!)

This is a good picture, because it's me doing the thing I do. I edit books and drink coffee. And while it's still work and still feels like work, it's good work, and I'm really good at it!

Okay, yes, in my case, that's NINE thousand words. Yes, I know I said six pictures. But you know what, I'm not actually making a dating profile, so I can do however many pictures I want!

Now then, let's move onto the next tenet:

2) Be comfortable in your own skin.

In a dating profile, you're looking to find someone to be with. Okay, slow down there, you lusty rascal, not just for one night. (No judgment here if that's what you're after, but you're derailing my entire post.) You're finding someone to be with, and to be yourself with. In a dating profile, if you're looking for an actual partner to be with, you don't want to misrepresent yourself.

So you find yourself not just describing your best attributes, but being honest with what you want, and what you need. And this is something it takes some growing up to figure out. I know me. I know me well enough to know that I am not ambitious, but I work well with routines and systems, so I still manage to get a lot of things done. I know that I like to play videogames, and to spend time alone. This is not the thing you'd see on a sparkly clean dating profile, but no one is a sparkly clean person. Be honest with yourself, and treat yourself as best as you know how.

Don't set standards for yourself that you can't reach, and don't present yourself as someone you're not. Be you in the best way that you can.

Which sort of leads into the next tenet:

3) Know your value.

The third one is the most important one. Making a dating profile forces you to face some things that are hard to start looking at. For me, I know I come with a price tag: my most highest-paying opportunity is being a teacher, and I didn't enjoy being a teacher. But I'm relentlessly supportive, and show my love with words and cuddles all the time, and I can make people feel like they belong in a world that's full of crazy. That's my value; that's what I bring to the giant table called Earth.

And that's why I have and love Jessi. She values me for who I am, and she helps me be a better version of myself everyday. We're comfortable with each other. We're happy, and we have fun at home playing board games or dancing at a wedding for hours, or working on our own projects at a coffee shop.

Sorry, imaginary dating profile! I am just so happy in my marriage! <3

We're huggers. We can't pass by each other without a loving squeeze.

She's my favorite adventuring buddy!

I just love being with her!

I love doing stuff with her! She makes everything better!

Daniel and I on a Saturday!

Ever since last summer, Daniel has wanted his own basket of fries from A Bit Twisted Brewpub. Our library was hosting a thing where you could win a beer glass for visiting local breweries, and it was on the list!

As I was checking out what was on tap, Daniel looked over my shoulder, and was like "You can order JUST a basket of fries???"

My sweet guy was not used to the idea that you can order just sides. So I said, "Hey, one of these days, let's go! You can get fries, and I can get a beer!"

And so, last Saturday, we made our move!

 

First, though, we went sledding! It was a warm and sunny day, but still a good slick amount of snow on the ground! Not to mention, I wanted to try and wear Echo out before leaving Jessi with two boys on her own. The boys are each a handful and a half!

And then! We left, and went straight to A Bit Twisted Brewpub! Just as I promised, he got his very own basket of fries, with a side of ranch! I had a pistachio cream ale, and we talked and played and hung out. It was a good time to talk with him one-on-one, which isn't an opportunity I feel like I get all that often, even though I know it's important! He's a really fun kid.

Just as he was finishing up his basket of fries, he said, "When's the next time we can go bowling?"

So we set our next destination!

We both decided that the lighter bowling balls are just more fun to play with, as well as bumpers! We had a great time (even though we weren't doing all that great), and Daniel got a spare on the TENTH FRAME!!! Great time to finally pick up the spare!

We turned our sights towards home, but as we were talking, I decided to stop by the place where I had one of my first jobs: McDonald's!

Daniel and I had soft serve ice cream (no surprise, it was delicious) and he played on the PlayPlace. It was a strange, bittersweet time, watching him. He's so big nowadays, and I feel like we lost two years where he was the perfect size to play in the little indoor playground. But he was such a good guy, talking to and playing with younger kids, having me time him as he ran up the slide, and all in all, I am proud of my boy. He's rowdy, but he's FUN. He's messy, but he's CREATIVE. He's sensitive, but he's KIND.

He's a good kid, and he's going to be a good guy when he grows up. I am proud of the job I'm doing.
;)

The Long Recovery

I got covid back in September. And when I was past the body aches and the sneezing and gross parts, I was excited to feel better. But as day and day went by, I noticed that I still felt tired throughout the day, that my brain was in a fog that I just couldn't shake. Was this the dreaded long covid??

My little slice of quarantine!

Nope.

As it turns out, that's just my life! I'm just constantly exhausted from living with prolonged stress! I am burned out, and I know that other parents in similar situations feel the same way. I had a therapist (then my insurance decided not to cover her anymore, so that's a steaming pile of hogwash), and, while I was particularly good at not developing anxiety from stress, the more I got used to stress, the more my brain normalized my response.

Thank goodness for my last year's resolution! I had been noticing that my response to being overwhelmed often involved me losing my temper. One night, I told myself that the only goal was not to yell at my kids. And within minutes, I lost it. My poor stressed-out brain takes over, no matter what my attitude is going into a situation. So I set myself a resolution: Gently.

I had to change the way my brain responded. And while it's not the ideal response, it wasn't a destructive response, like it was. Now, when I'm overwhelmed, I'll slow things down. Gently. I'll take a slow breath. I'll still feel all the stress I did, but instead of acting externally, I did the exact opposite, and retreated internally. Gently. I would take my time addressing them, because I would only be half paying attention. But the alternative was too much.

As far as things to do when my kids are stressing my out, this is... well, it's the best reaction I can manage. After all, what you have to understand is that in these high-stress episodes, I'm on autopilot. And I still feel the stress, I still feel my heart beat faster and my stomach turn. I just react to it differently. When things are too much, I'll get quiet, put in headphones, play music, and be as alone as I can be. I've been known to hide from my kiddos in the pantry!

Demonstration of proper technique.

Last year was all about not doing anything I'd regret. Maybe I'll always be fighting that battle against being burned out, so I'm doing my best. This year, I have two resolutions:

The first resolution is, "Be someone you're proud to be." I got myself a charm bracelet, I got a BUNCH of silly socks to wear (thanks, Mom!), and I take pictures of myself on days when I feel good. I'm trying to lose weight, I'm trying to gain muscle, and I'm trying to fight back against balding! Yes, a lot of this is physical and, well, yeah, it's shallow. But I like being in my own skin, and I like being able to smile at myself in the mirror, and being the nerdy guy who's also really handsome!

The second resolution is, "Party party party party!" And, well, to be honest, I may have been seltz'd out of my gourd when I came up with that one. But I stand by it! I feel like celebrating things is worthwhile, and bringing that feeling of celebration is awesome even when it's just something as simple as a weekly game of Dungeons and Dragons!

I don't mean to say that I've given up on getting better. I just have to view my recovery differently. I can't just get better, feel better, or be better. With the kids I've got at the age they are, I'm not going to be able to leave my stress behind. I can only cope. I've learned that however I stop feeling bad, it's doing to take a long time. I hope I get that time to recover, and that some day, I wake up and realize that my chest doesn't tighten with stress, that I feel rested, that my mind feels sharper than it did a year ago.

I don't know what things will look like between now and recovery. I don't know how long it'll take, but I'm doing a good job of enjoying things in the meantime! I'm proud of who I am.

Also: Party party party party!

Shirtless fried chicken!

At Pindustry! I still am VERY good at parties!

These precious little stressballs! I love them dearly!

Part of my resolution to party party party party! We baked a cake for Big Bear's birthday!

Our next cake project for Echo and I!