Positive Mumbo-Jumbo Gumbo!

I'm all about trying to turn over a new leaf. I love resolutions, even when most of them get forgotten! It's wonderful that people always believe that things can change, because it's true! And when you believe it, you take steps! Maybe wanting to run a marathon ends up with you running one mile, but it's a mile you wouldn't have run otherwise! And hey, maybe you'll end up with a marathon!

All this positive mumbo-jumbo (which is some of my FAVORITE mumbo-jumbo) is to say that I'M HOPPING ON THE BANDWAGON!!! Chugga chugga choo choo!!! (This wagon makes train sounds.)

Anyone who knows me knows that inescapable stress is my bane! I have kids who are loud and destructive and have problems going to the bathroom when they ought to! And man, I'm not worried that they'll never figure out how to go potty, but it's just a big drag! I have a hard time letting Crash Boy spend time at someone else's house so I can get a break, because what if he poops? And constantly cleaning up all these butts is making my hands crazy dry!

But hey, enough of the complaining, this is positive time! I have chosen a word to be my New Year's Resolution, and that word is, "Gentle". I want to be gentle, tender, take smaller steps and speak softly to my kids. Also, I want to read books and do crosswords throughout the day, because those are calm things that keep me calm, and when I'm already stressed, it's hard to see straight!

I'm also meditating now! Nice, positive, daily meditation to keep my mind free of the background noise. And it's been good for my mood! Because dude, before kids, who cared about moods? Nothing was ever so big that it could affect how I felt day-to-day! Now, though, I have moods! It's bull pucky! Total bull pucky! But hey, if I have moods, may as well exert what control I can over them!

After my Dad's day away 2021, I thought long about it, and what it comes down it is that we need to spend more time with these kiddos one-on-one, and keep making sure that you have more positive interactions than negative ones.

Ah, but anyways, today is a fine and snowy day and we've already been through one pot of coffee before 10 am!

I'm looking forward to days when every day is a good day!

We are great in parks. I brought all our sharing cars (we have special cars that are meant for sharing with others) and I spun the carousel thing, and alllllll the kids played a game where they reached out to grab the cars that kept on rolling off, and threw them back on the carousel where they inevitably rolled back off!

These boys are good boys. They fight a lot, to the point where it just always happens, but they always end up playing together again. It's encouraging that they'll be good brothers, but MAN is it exhausting when they won't just leave each other (and thus me) alone!

This sweet Echo Guy keeps crawling into our bed every morning, just to snuggle with us. He's a sweetie guy.

Frozen reservoir! Last Saturday, I went for a long long walk, and it was good. Good for my frizzled-frazzled brain.

I have a hard time figuring out what to write in birthday cards, so I usually end up just doodling something and hoping my friends understand that I mean the best. This is a hipster dinosaur!

Just because it's snowy doesn't mean they don't want their scooters! They like to "grind" the snow, like our push mower, and MAN. It's slow, but they have so much fun with it.

"They're relaxing!" I love it.

Winter is here!

 I'm not sure if it's the winter, or if it's just the way my poor brain is doing, but I feel like I'm running at half-efficiency recently! I've been enjoying sitting and reading, although I know there are other things I wish I was doing. Making my awesome board game based off Jessi's awesome book, finally getting caught up with my editing queue, making a behavior chart to try and wrangle my kids together, sending postcards for fun...

Echo likes pancakes!

Man, I can't wait until I've actually got the energy to do the things I want to do. As it is, I do what I have to do and then just fizzle out.

But for now, I must admit, things are ooooookay! I'm having more good days than bad days, which is nice! The boys are really getting into creative pursuits, and Crash Boy's becoming quite the expert colorer! Daniel at least understands that he loses control sometimes, and that's progress. The poor guy just can't get his feelings under control when he's in the moment. Echo is a boy who likes to get himself into situations where he screams. He'll start pillow fights that he'll get hurt in, he'll take toys away from his brothers and scream when they demand justice. And every bedtime is just a real struggle, because they like to play together.

Mama's famous apple-peeling skills!

One thing I'm always thankful for, though. I love my coffee. It's really good stuff.

Update on my teeth!

I still can't chew well on my left side, and I've already gone in once for them to look at my crown and try to reshape it. They did their best, told me not to worry, and sent me on my way. Now I feel like I have to go back and have them do it again, and it's such a drag, because I have kids, and have to arrange something for them! Jessi works!

I have no idea if my tooth is still just sensitive, or if they're going to tell me "Never mind, guess you DO need a root canal!" It doesn't wake me up at night, though, and the cold sensitivity is short, not longer than ten seconds.

I don't know. The whole ordeal with my teeth bums me out, because I'm giving them every opportunity to fix my teeth, and so far, it just feels worse than before, with the warning that my teeth aren't going to get any better. The cavities where my fillings fell out aren't going to suddenly get better. But I don't want to deal with a new pain in my mouth until the old one is gone. I already can only chew with half of my mouth. (But I do make one darn good smoothie.)

Some cupcakes made with Crash and Echo and Josie, because we saw them in a kids' book!

I am happy to report that I am a kind person, and it comes naturally to me. To be friendly to others, to shut my mouth if I can't think of anything nice to say, and to tell people that I appreciate them. These days when I'm all out of willpower to make much of an effort at things, it makes me happy to see that kindness takes no effort.

I'm looking forward to a lot of things. My boys being able to play together without a referee, me being able to sit down and do things without worrying that my boys will be tugging at my attention, and being able to have a day where I'm not overwhelmed, not even once!

Tired and doing all right,

-Woody!

My three boys making friends at the Bug Park!

It's complaining time!

 I'm constantly overwhelmed. I don't get breaks from the kids. I feel like I'm too overwhelmed to get them up to speed. Crash Boy still will not poo on the potty, and kindergarten is coming up fast. Daniel just needs to sit down and do his math, but I have a hard time keeping up with him because I have so much to do always. My kids will always fight when they play together, and they will always break things. My hands are cracked and bleeding in two different spots just because of how often I have to wash them, because of dishes or diapers or kids being generally gross. My jaw hurts pretty bad, and has for the last ten days, ever since I went to the dentist and got my tooth drilled and fitted for a crown. I have no reason to expect that my jaw will just start feeling better. For all I know, it'll just always hurt now. All my fillings seem to have been put in very badly, because all of them need to be replaced, and it's going to cost a hell of a lot. The parts I can brush and floss are fine! The only parts with cavities are the parts under the fillings! My house is in a constant mess, and my kids see that as an invitation to make that mess worse. I'm very stressed, and I'm worried that it's going to affect my health.

It's all a lot. It's pretty bad.

A Night With Family

 Tonight was not a special night, not more than any other week. Jessi and Jess went off to watch The Bachelorette, leaving the kiddos with me and Bucky. I was drinking leftover tasting drinks (hard pumpkin spice latte and hard vanilla cider), and the kids decided it was a fine night to scoot up and down the sidewalk, constantly going from Bucky's garage to my driveway, where we'd set up some blankets where the kids could lay down and look at the stars.

And I felt for one moment this monumental sense of how great it is. That a normal night could be me and my brother with each of our piles of kids just riding up and down the street, playing, laughing, occasionally shrieking. My new neighbor came by, talked for a little bit with us, and it was fun and small and funny. I was just this side of tipsy, taking it all in, reining in my kids as they haphazardly did haphazardly things with their cousins.

It's my greatest wish that my kids can learn to be happy, and take these incredible blessings for granted, thinking that nothing could be more natural than living two doors down from your family.

<3

Thoughts on Progress

We're taking another stab at this whole "Crash Boy pooping in the potty" nonsense. My goodness.

Today, I was SO at the end of my rope, that I promised him that if he pooped in the potty, he would be allowed to watch ALL THE CARTOONS HE WANTED. And wouldn't you know it, it worked! And dang, if that's what it takes to get his little butt on the throne, that's what it takes. He also got a sticker!

It's awesome living two doors down from your brother. I just want everyone to know that, in general. In specific, I want my boys to know that. I want them to grow up thinking it's just natural to live right down the street from your family.

It's. Just. So. Awesome. Like, I've realized that Jess (the other one) is kind of one of my closest friends! We talk every day to and from school, and on chatty days, I'll just yak yak yak about whatever game I'm making or whatever book I'm reading.

The last few days, I haven't been feeling chatty. And you know what, that's a fine and healthy way to respond when I'm feeling overwhelmed. (Which, yes, still happens pretty often.) I like to be alone. I love the solitude. And when things are feeling up, I go out of my way to be outgoing. It's a bit of an ebb and flow. But hey, I don't make secrets of how I'm feeling, so I feel just fine about how I act.

This year is no 2020, but I'm happy to say I've retained the truism: It's okay to not feel okay.

Things are good. I worry sometimes, I stress sometimes, but when I take a big step back and look at things, it's good. It's hard emotional work, and on days when I spend more energy than I thought I had, it's sometimes not enough. That's okay.

Man, 2020 was just the worst year, but if I can learn enough to grow from it, I'll be unstoppable.

I'm not an ambitious person. Heck, before I had kids, I probably would have said that I'm a lazy person. But I think my lazy days are behind me. I look forward to the future, to days when my emotional energy isn't dragging behind. It's been an issue for the last few weeks. I'll start my day determined to do something, to write something or craft something or edit something or make something, but when the kids are finally in bed and asleep, I'll just feel completely drained.

Optimist that I am, I'm thinking about when the boys are more independent, about a day when the boys can sort out their own problems, and how much energy I'll have in the day when I can spend it on me!

I mean, I'll probably have a job, but here's hoping it won't be something that sucks out my emotional energy. 

... writing that down, it sounds like I'm stepping away from teaching. Maybe I am. I want my own life. I want to at least act like someone ambitious!

I'm proud of who I am. It took a lot of work to make me who I am, (a credit not only to me, but to my friends and family,) and it's taking work to keep the parts of me that I want to be.

Well, I guess that's all that's been in my head. I'm gonna go meditate, because my sweet lil' brain needs it!

-Woody!

And now, some pictures of my little goober who can't be stopped!

Reading, Writing, Editing!

Reading!

I love to read! One of my favorite things to do is to take my kiddos to a park, let them run around, and take out a book. With several published books under my editor's belt, it's like I have a new way to appreciate books! I give books a critical eye, down to how they structure sentences, and think about what I would've done had I been given the book as a manuscript.

A little while back, I went through and tried to keep track of every book I've read as an adult on Goodreads. The site lets you organize books into "books I've read" and "books I'm currently reading". Problem was, when I did that, I realized I was in the middle of SEVEN different books! Some books I want to read, but don't just fly off the pages!

Anyways, I'm happy to report that I've finished all seven of those books! And now I'm in the middle of five other books! Oops.

Writing!

I have tried to write a LOT of stories! Lich, about the necromancer superhero, Esther Lake, about the paranormal investigator in the small town, Grand Consul, about the near-end of the world, Vesper's Ridge, about a group of vampire do-googers .... and most lately, a combination of all of these.

But let me tell you, the best thing I've done to contribute to good writing in the last few years is to support Jessi, who's been writing a GREAT story! Some nights, we'll just toss ideas back and forth, just developing her story, making things happen, determining what should happen between our group of heroes. And it's my FAVORITE kind of story: good and fun people taking on bad and serious situations! I love it all.

I know what I'm good at, and it's not sitting down and cranking out pages of story (a skill I'm working on). It's making a character and giving them important and meaningful actions! That's all my years of role-playing games coming at me! Only problem is, by the point that these big actions happen, the reader is probably supposed to care about the character first! I just want to skip right to the big powerful moments! (It doesn't work!)

Editing!

I have a darn good eye for spelling, grammar, and mechanics. The greatest thing about it is, that I don't really mind errors! I'm a descriptivist linguist, yo! As long as it doesn't majorly affect comprehension, I have no problem with problems! Unless I'm an editor, in which case I will do my job and do it WELL. I'll hunt down every last comma and hyphen and get them all sorted out!

Most recently, I've been helping my friend Jared work on his second book, Remnants. If you ask me, he's been focusing a lot on laying down the groundwork; getting an online store in order, expanding his audience, making a blog... where all I'm looking for is a book! But I'll help where I can! I'm a helper guy, and I'm good at it!

This is all on the side of, you know, fatherhood! Speaking of which, here are my boys!

The boys enjoy hanging out with Mama, especially when she's trying to write!

Great smile on that boy!

Sweet Crash Boy taking his own picture with my selfie remote!

Scooter brigade!

The Groove!

 It's the sort of thing that normal people don't keep track of, but I am celebrating my fifth good day in a row!!!

Yes, for the last month or so, I've been keeping track of my days, and writing down little notes to myself about them. Why? Well, because I was having a lot of bad days, and I wanted to figure out what I could do to help.

Happily watching Bucky throw a boomerang!

Things are finally coming into focus for me, for how I can make a good day. Some days will still be bad, and I've come to terms with that. I don't have complete control over what needs to be done. I've got kids, I've got a house, and I don't have the amazing superpower to change how I feel! Which means I've got to put the work in, like a normal person.

I'm glad I know my own brain, and how to deal with it.

The walk from school!

1. Breathing

I've taken up meditation, and I think it's here to stay.

Every night, I find ten minutes to sit down, close my eyes, breathe, and listen to a guided meditation, where some dude is telling me to relax my shoulders, feel my breath move all the way down to my toes, and to think about only my breath.

It's a skill, and I've been using it in the heat of the moment. Kids can get overwhelming very fast, and like I said, I can't just tell myself to feel better about it. But I can breathe.

Inhale for 4.
Hold for 7.
Exhale for 8.

I've got it memorized! I even memorized it in a funny way. "Just breathe, compadre!" (4-letter word, 7-letter word, 8-letter word.)

I know when something is going to be rough for me. I can tell by the pitch and timbre of any one of my kid's screams what has happened, and who is responsible for it. And it's always stressful. So it's nice to at least enter the situation with steady waters.

Giraffesey's driving the cart as we get spray paint!

2. Refusing to escalate

Daniel is a kid who loses control sometimes. And I have a hard time with that, because he doesn't do it peacefully. Just last week, the rest of us were eating dinner, while he was screaming and hitting things in the front room. It went on for about an hour. And yes, he was screaming the entire time.
I don't remember why it started. I'd told him to put something away, maybe, and he took it personally. And he spiraled out of control. Now he was missing time with his cousins, who were over for dinner. So he screamed. He wasn't going to be able to get a second slice of pizza. So he screamed. Oh, now he doesn't even like pizza. So he screamed.
There is nothing good in this situation for me. It fries my nerves, it drains my battery, and it makes it hard for me to do anything else.
But I freaking DID it. I checked in every few minutes, offered an acceptable solution, got screamed at, and left. And it takes a lot for me to do that. I do not have a lot of patience these days. But eventually, when his dinner was cold, the cousins had left, and it was time to wind down, I offered to make him another dinner.
And he said okay.
And he had some chicken nuggets, and smiled again, even through red, red eyes.
And that night, he hugged me, and said, "I'm sorry I lost control, Dad."

He's a sweet boy. And he's as much the perpetrator as the victim. We're working on it, and he needs to know I'm not his opponent, but I'm on his side.

So this morning, he started to spiral. Didn't want to go to school. Said he hated school. Climbed under a chair and said he was going to stay there FOREVER.
Well, he's got to go to school. And earlier this week, I had to put him in the wagon like a bag of sad potatoes and drag him to 1st grade. But I didn't want to do that.

The idea of giving him things, of rewarding him as a result of these episodes, is a hard one. But I'm not rewarding the fit, I'm rewarding him stepping away from the brink. Punishing him only makes it worse. So, I told him I'd give him a piggyback ride all the way to school if he came out.
And he said okay.

So I carried a boy on my back while pulling a wagon all the way to school. Someone called me "a beast", in the good sense! And you know what? You're damn right I am!

Crash Boy and Josie are so good at playing together!

3. Downtime

I have a rule, and it applies to adults. If you're tired, you should sleep. Sounds straightforward enough, but it's a hard thing to achieve when you've got kids.
(Man, kids really run the show nowadays, huh?)

Whenever Jessi is zoning out, I tell her to go take a nap if she feels like one. Because by golly, it's the right thing to do!

For me, my downtime is usually spent on a couch, or sitting at the kitchen island, doodling and writing. And I can think all the thoughts I want, about how some things need to get done, about some projects I could be working on with the house... and while those are important, and I know that I can do them even when I'm tired, it's just healthier for me to do it while I've got a little bit of rest tucked away.

It's still sadly true, that the last time I felt fully rested, like I woke up and I was at 100%, was the day after Echo was born. Almost three years ago!

Breaks are hard to come by, so I give myself carte blanche permission to take as many smaller breaks as I can squeeze in.

This Echo Guy is a real goober!

4. Personal achievement

I could talk your ear off about Dungeons and Dragons, or about Rollerpunk, or about how I think vampires should be. And what I've found is that it helps me feel better about myself when I do these things, because it feels more like I'm being the person I want to be.

I congratulate myself when I write and send silly postcards to my friends. I smile for hours after a good session of D&D where the players had a good time. I tell people who don't really care (but are polite enough to listen) about the new conspiracies in Rollerpunk, because it's what's on my mind.

And at the end of the day, I find myself really admiring myself. Looking inward, I see and recognize the person I want to be when I do these little things. Yesterday, I took my younger boys out to Home Depot to buy gold spray paint, so that I could paint some rocks in the backyard and hide them! It made the cousins laugh and run around and start their own little adventures, and I was proud to be me.

And in the end, when the actions you do match the person you want to be, you've really got it made!

Climbing up the big rock at Larkspur!