How to Vanity

The first draft of my New Year's Resolution was this: Vanity.

Not exactly inspiring any feelings of goodwill or anything, so I suppose I'd better elaborate.

One of my best friends found themselves unexpectedly single, and decided to set up an online dating profile. I have always had dubious feelings towards online dating, because I did things the old-fashioned way: by dating all of my wife's friends in high school before finally dating her. (It's a joke.)

I started to ask my single friends about dating profiles, the ones that they've made, and the ones that they've seen, and honestly, I like the idea of it.

Here are the THREE TENETS that I like about a dating profile, that I have needlessly expanded to everyone in general who lives in the digital age:

1) Have six good current pictures of yourself.

You either think this is easy, or you think this is impossible. And that's just it. We live in a culture that values the individual. Which is a WONDERFUL thing in my opinion, because we are all such amazing little infinities in ourselves. A little bit of order, a lotta bit of chaos, a dash of ourselves, a dash of everyone who has helped us be ourselves (for better or for worse) along the way, and you have YOU.

And now, if someone asked you to have on hand  six photos to represent YOU, what will you do?

You can't plan every picture, you can't sit yourself down and say, "Listen up, asshat, today we are going to have a picture of us laughing with our friends, GOT IT?" because that's not how things work. But if you live in the digital age as much as I do, and I'm a millennial so it's quite a bit, you know the value of a picture. Pictures tell a thousand words.

Pretty simple. This is me. I'm a casual dude, I have funny socks, and I'm wearing a Dungeons & Dragons shirt.

If there's something you should know about me, it's that I love my boys.

Crash's first day of school! It's just such a happy picture all over, and it makes me happy to look at!

I swear, this boy is such a ham. No idea who he gets it from...
Anyways, this is a good picture because it shows silliness, it shows us doing a thing, and it makes people smile!

In an honest-to-goodness dating profile, you want to present yourself as the sort of person that someone could see themselves not only liking, but as a person they could have fun with. I think it's a huge part of me that I have luau birthdays and it was SO fun!

My last stop on my insane California day of solo adventure: a rocky outcropping that stretched into the Pacific! I don't exactly know what it says about me, but nothing bad, to be sure!

Well, quite simply, I look good, and I love the rainbow scarf Jessi made me! It's also quite honest with my hairline.

This picture is me trying my best to portray the person I want to be. Smiles, kindness, confidence. And it shows my whole body, not just the face! (Certainly helps that I've lost a lot of weight!)

This is a good picture, because it's me doing the thing I do. I edit books and drink coffee. And while it's still work and still feels like work, it's good work, and I'm really good at it!

Okay, yes, in my case, that's NINE thousand words. Yes, I know I said six pictures. But you know what, I'm not actually making a dating profile, so I can do however many pictures I want!

Now then, let's move onto the next tenet:

2) Be comfortable in your own skin.

In a dating profile, you're looking to find someone to be with. Okay, slow down there, you lusty rascal, not just for one night. (No judgment here if that's what you're after, but you're derailing my entire post.) You're finding someone to be with, and to be yourself with. In a dating profile, if you're looking for an actual partner to be with, you don't want to misrepresent yourself.

So you find yourself not just describing your best attributes, but being honest with what you want, and what you need. And this is something it takes some growing up to figure out. I know me. I know me well enough to know that I am not ambitious, but I work well with routines and systems, so I still manage to get a lot of things done. I know that I like to play videogames, and to spend time alone. This is not the thing you'd see on a sparkly clean dating profile, but no one is a sparkly clean person. Be honest with yourself, and treat yourself as best as you know how.

Don't set standards for yourself that you can't reach, and don't present yourself as someone you're not. Be you in the best way that you can.

Which sort of leads into the next tenet:

3) Know your value.

The third one is the most important one. Making a dating profile forces you to face some things that are hard to start looking at. For me, I know I come with a price tag: my most highest-paying opportunity is being a teacher, and I didn't enjoy being a teacher. But I'm relentlessly supportive, and show my love with words and cuddles all the time, and I can make people feel like they belong in a world that's full of crazy. That's my value; that's what I bring to the giant table called Earth.

And that's why I have and love Jessi. She values me for who I am, and she helps me be a better version of myself everyday. We're comfortable with each other. We're happy, and we have fun at home playing board games or dancing at a wedding for hours, or working on our own projects at a coffee shop.

Sorry, imaginary dating profile! I am just so happy in my marriage! <3

We're huggers. We can't pass by each other without a loving squeeze.

She's my favorite adventuring buddy!

I just love being with her!

I love doing stuff with her! She makes everything better!

Daniel and I on a Saturday!

Ever since last summer, Daniel has wanted his own basket of fries from A Bit Twisted Brewpub. Our library was hosting a thing where you could win a beer glass for visiting local breweries, and it was on the list!

As I was checking out what was on tap, Daniel looked over my shoulder, and was like "You can order JUST a basket of fries???"

My sweet guy was not used to the idea that you can order just sides. So I said, "Hey, one of these days, let's go! You can get fries, and I can get a beer!"

And so, last Saturday, we made our move!

 

First, though, we went sledding! It was a warm and sunny day, but still a good slick amount of snow on the ground! Not to mention, I wanted to try and wear Echo out before leaving Jessi with two boys on her own. The boys are each a handful and a half!

And then! We left, and went straight to A Bit Twisted Brewpub! Just as I promised, he got his very own basket of fries, with a side of ranch! I had a pistachio cream ale, and we talked and played and hung out. It was a good time to talk with him one-on-one, which isn't an opportunity I feel like I get all that often, even though I know it's important! He's a really fun kid.

Just as he was finishing up his basket of fries, he said, "When's the next time we can go bowling?"

So we set our next destination!

We both decided that the lighter bowling balls are just more fun to play with, as well as bumpers! We had a great time (even though we weren't doing all that great), and Daniel got a spare on the TENTH FRAME!!! Great time to finally pick up the spare!

We turned our sights towards home, but as we were talking, I decided to stop by the place where I had one of my first jobs: McDonald's!

Daniel and I had soft serve ice cream (no surprise, it was delicious) and he played on the PlayPlace. It was a strange, bittersweet time, watching him. He's so big nowadays, and I feel like we lost two years where he was the perfect size to play in the little indoor playground. But he was such a good guy, talking to and playing with younger kids, having me time him as he ran up the slide, and all in all, I am proud of my boy. He's rowdy, but he's FUN. He's messy, but he's CREATIVE. He's sensitive, but he's KIND.

He's a good kid, and he's going to be a good guy when he grows up. I am proud of the job I'm doing.
;)

The Long Recovery

I got covid back in September. And when I was past the body aches and the sneezing and gross parts, I was excited to feel better. But as day and day went by, I noticed that I still felt tired throughout the day, that my brain was in a fog that I just couldn't shake. Was this the dreaded long covid??

My little slice of quarantine!

Nope.

As it turns out, that's just my life! I'm just constantly exhausted from living with prolonged stress! I am burned out, and I know that other parents in similar situations feel the same way. I had a therapist (then my insurance decided not to cover her anymore, so that's a steaming pile of hogwash), and, while I was particularly good at not developing anxiety from stress, the more I got used to stress, the more my brain normalized my response.

Thank goodness for my last year's resolution! I had been noticing that my response to being overwhelmed often involved me losing my temper. One night, I told myself that the only goal was not to yell at my kids. And within minutes, I lost it. My poor stressed-out brain takes over, no matter what my attitude is going into a situation. So I set myself a resolution: Gently.

I had to change the way my brain responded. And while it's not the ideal response, it wasn't a destructive response, like it was. Now, when I'm overwhelmed, I'll slow things down. Gently. I'll take a slow breath. I'll still feel all the stress I did, but instead of acting externally, I did the exact opposite, and retreated internally. Gently. I would take my time addressing them, because I would only be half paying attention. But the alternative was too much.

As far as things to do when my kids are stressing my out, this is... well, it's the best reaction I can manage. After all, what you have to understand is that in these high-stress episodes, I'm on autopilot. And I still feel the stress, I still feel my heart beat faster and my stomach turn. I just react to it differently. When things are too much, I'll get quiet, put in headphones, play music, and be as alone as I can be. I've been known to hide from my kiddos in the pantry!

Demonstration of proper technique.

Last year was all about not doing anything I'd regret. Maybe I'll always be fighting that battle against being burned out, so I'm doing my best. This year, I have two resolutions:

The first resolution is, "Be someone you're proud to be." I got myself a charm bracelet, I got a BUNCH of silly socks to wear (thanks, Mom!), and I take pictures of myself on days when I feel good. I'm trying to lose weight, I'm trying to gain muscle, and I'm trying to fight back against balding! Yes, a lot of this is physical and, well, yeah, it's shallow. But I like being in my own skin, and I like being able to smile at myself in the mirror, and being the nerdy guy who's also really handsome!

The second resolution is, "Party party party party!" And, well, to be honest, I may have been seltz'd out of my gourd when I came up with that one. But I stand by it! I feel like celebrating things is worthwhile, and bringing that feeling of celebration is awesome even when it's just something as simple as a weekly game of Dungeons and Dragons!

I don't mean to say that I've given up on getting better. I just have to view my recovery differently. I can't just get better, feel better, or be better. With the kids I've got at the age they are, I'm not going to be able to leave my stress behind. I can only cope. I've learned that however I stop feeling bad, it's doing to take a long time. I hope I get that time to recover, and that some day, I wake up and realize that my chest doesn't tighten with stress, that I feel rested, that my mind feels sharper than it did a year ago.

I don't know what things will look like between now and recovery. I don't know how long it'll take, but I'm doing a good job of enjoying things in the meantime! I'm proud of who I am.

Also: Party party party party!

Shirtless fried chicken!

At Pindustry! I still am VERY good at parties!

These precious little stressballs! I love them dearly!

Part of my resolution to party party party party! We baked a cake for Big Bear's birthday!

Our next cake project for Echo and I!

Adulting

 I am a choremaster. I do laundry every other day, I run the dishwasher 2-3 times a day, and I'm constantly in a state of cleaning. Whenever I move from one room to another, I pick up the things that are out of place and take them at least that much closer to their final destination.

And I'm happy with that. I like to clean, I like to organize, I like to listen to a good book (or a bad book even!) and just do the things that, after years and years, take no actual effort on my part! On a day when my mood is as low as it ever is, you bet your butt that the dishes will get done!

Now add kids to the equation, and now it all takes effort!

And of course it does. Good parenting is difficult, and I put energy into these little munchkins. I hope it pays off. I certainly know that they know how much I love them, and it's great.

I have two worries: First, I hope my kids are good people and want to hang out with me and talk to me when they grow up. Second, I hope that my constant state of stress doesn't manage to affect me in the long-term. My therapist has been warning me that chronic stress is a bad thing (not exactly a surprise, but it's cool that someone's job is keeping it from happening).

I don't worry, I don't have anxiety, and stress is such an in-the-moment thing. It's sad to see it happen, that my spirits can so quickly go from "What a nice day!" to "I hope I survive the day!", but I'm going to get through this. My life will not always have kids sitting on me when I'm trying to edit, or screaming at each other as a way to wake me up.

I can't exactly say I have a point to writing all this. It's just been a week full of chores, and the house is no cleaner than when I began, and I'm constantly overwhelmed. Well, okay, I do have a point to writing all this. My therapist told me to! Journaling (and by extension, blogging) is a way to build resilience, so I'm not just carrying all my stress.

Also, between stress and anxiety and worry? I'm glad it's stress. Stress goes away.

All right, I'm going to try and get ahead on my editing, now! I love my Copper Coin Editing business.

Two Degrees Of Separation

 I am a very lucky person!

Here's why.

I am two degrees of separation from toxic people. From people who believe that Trump rightfully won the election, from people who condemn Simone Biles for having nervous issues during the Olympics, from people who complain that black actors don't belong in Lord Of The Rings, and from people who believe therapy is for losers.

I don't think I really curate my friends, either. I think I'm just a person who has done a good job nurturing the healthy relationships I have.

I've mentioned the list before, right?

Every month, I have a list of people I want to keep in contact with. These are people from my life who have been supportive, loving, and have helped develop me into the person I want to be. It's a list of 25 people.

I'm having a hard time right now, and that's been the case. But you know what I haven't been having a hard time with? Having friends. I do not feel alone, I do not feel unloved, I do not feel like there's no one I can reach out to.

I'm excited for my therapy tomorrow. Just like I'm going in for my annual physical, I've written out a page of all the questions I have, all the maladies I have, all the little questions I have.

And all my friends, who have been with me every step of the way, are excited to see me go and be responsible with my mental health. <3

Daniel knows how to microwave his own popcorn! He's very proud, and excited to learn how to make his own food!

This watermelon is a whopping 26 pounds!!!

Going bowling with my sweet little Echo Guy!

Crash Boy wasn't in any of our houses! Turns out, he was on the Ingram's patio, playing with mud!

Getting a Big Bear carry at Kohl's!

Me time???

 This is all new to me! I have TIME now! To myself! And I want to spend a good while just recovering first. Weekends are still stressful, and well, the kids DO come home every day, and by golly, I'm not going to feel bad for taking care of myself.

Every day, I want to do something artistic.

Today, I painted a rock to look like a hot dog. It was awesome. I'm not the sort of person who can come up with ideas all the time, but luckily, I like to doodle. I can take a blank sheet of paper and a pen (I prefer pens, I don't know why!) and make something. And plenty of internet things let me generate ideas. I could even write, if I wanted to! I rarely want to, because writing has more rules to follow than doodles, but if I've got the energy, which I may have someday, that'd be great!

Every week, I want to think of something to do with one of the boys.

Something that has recently creeped up to scare me is the fear that my kids won't want to hang out with me when they grow up. I have a rule in my head to have more positive interactions with people than negative ones, and with my kids, I want to take it a step further. I want to have a THING with each kid, something that, in years to come, I can say "Remember how we used to ___?" Or, even better, "I can't believe we've been doing ___ every week since you were a kid!"

Whenever I feel like a nap, I'm going to take a nap.

I've been exhausted for years and years, and hey, maybe that's because I love staying up with Jessi doing stuff. So I want to take a nap. I'm really good at getting chores done, but there are some chores that never end: organizing everything, getting the clothes folded and put away, etc. When it comes to priority, those endless chores come after my nap. I get emotionally beat pretty quickly, but I have a chance to not be physically tired all the time!

I'm going to have a clean house.

Generally, I like cleaning. I like popping my wireless earbuds into my head and listening to some book while scrubbing counters. When the house is not clean, it's like the kids have some sort of secret permission to take it and make it even LESS clean! Not to mention, Jessi and I just feel better about everything when we're living in a nice and clean place.

I'm going to hit the gym!

Back in April, I started going to the gym, and it made me feel better! My shoulder stopped hurting, and it was a great way to start the day! Sweet old April Woody thought that it would be the solution to all my stressful problems and I'd seen the end of it! But then my boys started waking up earlier and earlier, and before I knew it, my time to hit the gym was swallowed up. I have a set of weights at home, and, yeah, I should probably get better at using those, too, but there's something about going to a place dedicated to working out!

I'm going to read!

I know what you're thinking. "Woody, you always read!" And, well, sure, that's definitely true. At the moment, I have a fun audiobook I'm listening to, a long audiobook I'm listening to, a physical book I'm reading, and a Kindle book I'm reading. Perhaps it would be better to say, "I'm going to continue to read!" I'm proud that reading doesn't take much energy for me, and it's a delight to constantly have stories going through my head. Besides, it's probably good practice for my editing career! Speaking of which...

I'm going to edit!

By now, you know that my dreams have shifted over to the idea that editing books is my destiny. I've got experience, and I'm pretty good at it! I'm personable with authors, and I love to read! I love to help people make something worth reading, and it offers a flexible schedule so I can keep up with the kids! Someone offered me some work editing non-fiction articles, and I'm excited to try it out, see how it feels! Oh man, and Jessi's book needs to be out in the world! I'm so happy with how it is, and I want to help get it out there. It's the sort of fun and great book that needs to be on our shelf.

I want to keep working towards the person I want to be. It's been difficult, which is a hard thing to admit, but throughout the last couple of crazy years, I've still noticed that I'm here. Whenever I have energy, I spend it sharing happiness with people. Whenever I'm without my kids, I'm smiling and chatting with strangers like we're friends!

I'm getting there!

Hot dog rock!

Summer coming to an end!

 I like the summer, and I knew going into it that it was going to be hard! The sun is out later, which means the kids are up later, and Daniel was home all day every day!

A week before school ended, I told Jessi that this summer was probably going to be really fun and really stressful. And it was both!

I can give myself two heaping scoops of pats on the back. I took my kids to libraries and pools, parks and fairs. I hiked Red Rocks with Echo, I decorated cupcakes with Crash, and I played Dungeons & Dragons with Daniel. We were inside and outside, reading on couches and playing videogames on the back deck. We hung out with the cousins, school friends, out-of-town friends.

I think, though, that school is going to be the turning point. Just me and Echo, just the one kid (clingy though he is) should be much easier on me. I truly believe that I need to heal and relearn how to be myself. I've set myself aside for these kids, but I'm going to take a step in getting me back. It might take a while; I'm going to treat myself as though I've been through a traumatic time of my life, and hey, that's not far from the truth!

In one week, I'm lessening my load, and I'm going to try and remember how to sit in front of a blank piece of paper and fill with with wonderful things. First, though, I'm going to try and clean up the house. I really don't mind chores! I can do chores.

Something else that I'm shoehorning in here, is that I love one concept of dating profiles; the "here are 5 or 6 pictures that showcase me at my happiest, proudest, and most representative of who-I-am" setup. So I've been trying to get pictures of me. Because throughout all this, I know that I love me.

I get the feeling that I complain about my kids a lot. And while I consider that a healthy venting response for me, it's not fair to the boys. They're wonderful and creative kids who like to have fun, and love to bring fun with them. Spending time with them has reminded me to see spectacles in the patterns of rocks, of how nice it is to hold something and throw it because it's fun to throw, fun to see all the things you can do in this world. They're new to being alive, is what it is, and it's a wonder to watch their awe.

It's time for summer to come to an end.

And (wow I'm actually choking up writing this) I hope it's time for me to get a break.

:)

Ugly sourdough! (But hey, I tried!)

See the little crowns? We dressed up for the Renaissance Festival!

My sweet little Echo guy getting a "Big Bear carry!"

Good picture of my face!

Good picture of Daniel's face!

Even a fence is an adventure!

They're learning how to smile for a camera, haha, sweet boys.
Building Legos at the library!

Jumping on rocks at Anchor Point!

A bit silly, but hey, I look good!

Crash Boy the silly boy!