A year against stress

2025. This year, I'm going all Global Thermonuclear War on my stress.

2025 Stress Battle - 1

 So, after my last post crying into a blog post, I made an appointment with my therapist, who I saw yesterday.

It was a weird experience, because I was feeling rather fine yesterday, but I knew I needed to be a good advocate for me in my dark times, so I read aloud the previous blog post, and it did the trick!

Here are some takeaways:

- Some more structure with my kids would help on the day-to-day

- I started to stress about money because money can be turned into time and energy

- Jessi is awesome and my therapist loves hearing me talk about how great she is

- Telling my therapist "my views on gender and masculinity are hella evolved" does not immediately impress her

- She is more than willing to look into medication, but she'd like to try other things first

- There's a kind of ADHD that just stunts emotional responses?

I think my brain has just spent five years reinforcing a constant stress response. So even after my kids are in school, and my brain isn't going up in sad flames, when I'm introduced to a stressful situation, it knows what to do: freak out and make things worse.

I have better control over my stress response, but it's exhausting to make myself express a certain way, to act calm when I'm angry, to play the referee when I just need to be left alone. And that's what's burning me out.

I don't know how I can get my brain to follow a different path. I've got another session with my therapist, Andi, in a couple weeks.

The good news is, my life is more than just stress! I do fun things, I promise, even with a brain that kind of sucks sometimes!

Got to see Tortilla in person and the house that I built for her!

Went sledding at our local hill! (I love this sign.)

Working out four times a week!

The boys have been playing Scrabble! Daniel loves it!

Made apple crisp! (And a la moded it!)

Five years of chronic painful stress (and counting!)

 I remember when it started getting bad.

December 2019, I found an excuse to get out of the house, for half an hour. I drove out, I met with some friends, and for some reason, my stomach hurt. It was the first time that stress had lingered on me. I wasn't in a stressful situation anymore. I was out of my kids' earshot, they couldn't call to me anymore.

I went home, and I asked for help. I talked to a therapist. I tried to make a plan.

But after five years, it's clear I have chronic stress. I haven't felt well-rested since then. I have been able to leave stressful situations and feel good, but when I return home to my children, the familiar stress comes back.

Sometimes it's my stomach. Sometimes it's my chest, feeling tight. Sometimes I'll just cry, unprovoked.

I am burnt out and still running myself raw, to the point where I feel like I'm going to look back at this part of my life and feel trauma.

The other day, I helped a new neighbor move, bringing three new kids to our little cousin cult compound. During the move, she asked me why we never went out with them to concerts. I told her that it cost money, and that we don't have people to look after the kids. Meanwhile, her three kids were at the zoo, being taken by their new grandmother, along with the other three step-siblings.

I'm trying to put all my thoughts down before they can fester in my brain, and they're not good thoughts.

For five years, I have made no secret of my stress, of how it hurts me, of how I need help. I know that it's my problem to solve, but I'm burnt out. I've been burnt out.

But I can't keep asking for help when nothing seems to work. Asking my brother for a favor, getting a night off, and coming back only to feel stressed again, it's not fair.

We make enough money to pay the bills and be comfortable, but we don't have the kind of money to spend on babysitters and concerts and housecleaners and summer camps.

And besides all the money, we just don't have the energy. I see my boys' cousins going to clubs, being a part of the scouts, playing soccer, and it leaves me with only guilt, because it feels like we just can't afford this, in money, time, or energy.

Every day, when our kids are upstairs, Jessi and I are wiped out. We've both got burnout, and we can't seem to gain ground. We just don't have any energy left in the day.

And I can feel anxiety creeping in. The kids go to school, but even when I sleep all day, I don't get any energy back. Even when I look for editing work, I can't find any. Even with time away from my kids, I'm still unhealthy, I'm still stressed, and everyone knows.

I feel like we're barely managing our kids' behavior, but they still fight, bicker, and argue. We're spent. We're running on no energy. I've been struggling with chronic stress for five years now, and there's no end in sight.

I feel unsupported, and I feel hopeless that any support now could heal the last five years. I feel guilty that my wonderful kids deserve a healthy dad who can keep himself together, but instead they've got me.

My animal friends!

 Today, I'm going to talk about the fun critters that live around my house!

But first, this quick complaint:

I don't like my stress, I don't like that no matter how long I'm away from my kids it just comes back, I don't like that my breathing feels shallow when I'm stressed, I don't like the contradiction that my stomach hurts but I still feel like eating everything when I'm stressed, I don't like how my stress makes me short-tempered, and I don't like how no matter how much support I get it just feels like my stress is here to stay so why bother asking for help.

Okay, now that THAT'S over...

Some tree swallows moved into Echo's birdhouse!

Little bunnies love our clover!

Pidge. Pidge is a nuisance to us, and a nuisance to other birds who just want a snack.

Dusty the Squirrel! He ate some of our very old and stale and dusty-tasting walnuts!

The cooper's hawk out back! If any of the other animals go missing, ask Tali!

The Super Finch Bros, Mario and Luigi! We put sunflower seeds out front especially to attract finches. They spook easily, and I feel bad every time I walk out the front door!

Chonky Finch. Chonky Finch does not perch or stand. Chonky Finch wades into the seeds and sits. Chonky Finch does not spook, because Chonky Finch does not want to get up.

And those are the animals who hang out around here! I like how animals like to hang out around our house, and I'm really proud that they respond to what I've done to encourage them!

Falling apart

I have a hard time being in a conversation where everyone starts talking about their health.
But here we are!

The last few years have seen me through some problems that will likely follow me for the rest of my life. And as I wake up today, I'm going to take this opportunity to complain.

I haven't felt rested since Echo was born. It doesn't seem like I get enough sleep. I don't really wake up and feel good anymore. No matter how much sleep I get, I still feel like I need a nap midday, and I don't feel like I get any benefits from a nap. I just don't get drowsy in the evening. It's beginning to annoy me how much sleep my body feels like it needs, because I have so little time to spend alone. Spending it unconscious feels like a waste of time.

My teeth don't feel good. I have a few teeth I avoid. I can see a little transparent spot on my front tooth that isn't actual tooth, because I chipped it while changing a battery. I have been told to avoid eating apples and other crunchy foods. For how long? For forever. 

There's no great way of putting it, but my vasectomy operating area still hurts and is very very sensitive. I was told that there was a 1 in 100 chance of this happening. Lucky me.

Ever since I got COVID, I feel like I've been in a brain fog. Not as quick-witted, harder to concentrate without spacing out. 

The reason I'm feeling so bleak about all of this is that I have two new ones to add from the last month.

My ears are ringing. I don't hear silence anymore.

My ankle still hurts from my sprain, and it's been almost a month.

I'm sad and bitter about all of this. I'm 35 and feel like I'm falling apart. I wake up and I feel like my body isn't up to snuff. And add on that I'm feeling just inundated with constant stress... I just feel BAD. I was hoping that I could make it through these stressful years and out the other side, but it's discouraging to feel like the body I'm stuck with for the rest of my life is going to be working against me.

Well, I suppose that's it. It's summer. I could really stand to have some time to recharge and feel human again. It's hard to see bright spots from my dark cloud. Thankfully, I naturally take a lot of pictures, so here are bright spots from the summer!

Summertime? Again??

 Fill up your bubble wands and tighten those scooter wheels, it's summer again!

Without a doubt, summers are hard for me! I need time away from my kids to relax, and summer doesn't leave me much time for it! Add onto that, I've got three books to edit, with no dedicated time to do it, and it doesn't leave me much of anything!

But I'm setting aside that dread, because now that I've written it down, I don't need to leave it in my head.

One of my favorite things about the summer is going to the pool. The boys have fun, and they tend to not fight as much! (They'll scream about fresh bathwater dripping onto their face, but they'll cannonball right into the pool without hesitation. Oh, children.)

For me, being at the pool is time for me to live up to one of my credos: Create fearlessly.

I bring paper and pencil, and sit poolside, watching my kids, and just let my pencil go around. Maybe I'll sketch, maybe I'll think up story ideas, but what's important is that at any moment, whatever I've jotted down could have a big splash of water across it from my boys jumping around. I tend to think of things permanently. Every picture I take is saved online, virtually for forever. Every note I type up is the same way. But with the constant water droplets, I tend to take things less seriously, and that's honestly, really important in art! Playing it safe? Overthinking your ideas, not willing to entertain them unless you're okay with them being set in stone? I think it keeps our ideas in our heads too much.

I also like being able to tell my kids to just go outside. They're getting more adventurous, hopping over the fence to look for frogs in the green space, and more creative, starting little short-lived clubs with the cousins.

And even thought I am a very indoor cat myself, I like to have the windows open in the morning. I like to hear the frogs, I like to watch the birds, and I like to smell the wildflowers growing past the fence. I appreciate the outdoors, even if my idea of a good time involves couches, books, and not putting on sunscreen.

One piece of good advice I got, back when I was struggling to enjoy college, was to "Look forward to everything." I'm naturally an optimist, so this advice resonates with me. So, as I work my way through the summer, I'm keeping my attitude up. What else am I looking forward to in the summer?

Sleeping in. Just a bit. Naps might be few and far between, but I'm hoping that with the kids no longer needing to go to school, I can at least start my morning more slowly, without any pressure from time.

Oooh, watermelons. My favorite fruit. I've been going through two a week, and it's been just wonderful!

Not going to the gym! As much as I can say that I've enjoyed the results of lifting weights, I would much rather sit and not do anything! I won't exactly just be sitting all day (unfortunately), but it was a lot to keep up with!

Well, I am enjoying my last few days alone, so I will end it here!

There is a lot to look forward to in the summer! (And I will say it as many times as I need to!)

Wish me luck!

Sharing My Half-Baked Creations

 I am a very good editor. I can take a story and tell you exactly what's missing from it. I can play a board game and come up with a few house rules that'll make it better.

But man, I feel like I'm a little bit blind when it comes to my own stuff! Which means that if I want to get better, I need to start sharing! So I'm going to start doing that. It's a mantra that I've long since held onto, but haven't lived up to:

Create Fearlessly.

So, last night I zipped off four copies of my first chapter of a book I'm working on, Tales Of Pangaea, a humorous adventure book that follows a group of anarchist mercenaries on the last city on Earth.

The robot resembled a large, sideways toaster with treads, but instead of delivering toast, it delivered razor-sharp sawblade discs the size of two-foot-wide toast.

 

I've made arrangements with Jordan to play Dire Gardens, a dice-assigning board game I made where you play garden gnomes defending your garden from monstrous weeds and pests.

And two night ago, we gave another shot to cooking chicken korma. Monsoon, a nearby restaurant, has some of the best food we've ever eaten, and we're trying to replicate it!

(No picture looks good, and it was a bit gritty, so you'll have to imagine it.)

It can be hard for me to share things, because I know my mind orbits around, each season a new project that I feel like I'm going to sink my energy into. I think what's needed is someone who I can work with, someone who can keep me somewhat accountable for moving forward with one (ONE) project.

Now, one project that I've been surprisingly good at keep up with, is going to the gym! I'm more muscular nowadays, and I can see the progress with the weights I've been lifting! It's not as exciting as writing a book, but it's a very healthy thing, and a very good thing!

It's hard to get into the groove of making things. I'm still hoping that I'll fall into a rhythm sometime in my life, but even if nothing I make ever gets done, I'm proud of all the projects I've been a part of. I'm a good editor, after all!

The Beefy Geek

 I do not like sports.

Now, if someone asked me to play a game or two, I would, but reluctantly. I like all the things that not-sports-liking people usually enjoy. Comics, videogames, board games, Dungeons & Dragons. However, this year I have determined that I am going to get big ol' muscles. Not just a geek, but a beefy geek!

So, 4 days a week, skipping weekends and Wednesdays, I hit the community gym with its full weight room, and work out for an hour!

I can already see the results, and it's exciting, while also very strange! I usually look at the scale hoping to see the numbers go down down down, but here they are, going back up up up! But one look in the mirror, and I can see that it's muscle!

The workouts are fun! I keep track on my phone how I'm doing week-to-week, and I can see my progress!

What is much harder than I thought is the diet! My friends who have experience in putting on muscle said that I need 200 grams of protein EVERY DAY!!! That's 12 cans of tuna!!! (I tried eating three cans in one serving. It was not as fun as you'd think.)

I went to my doctor on a routine checkup, and, since I was healthy in every other way, she was happy to hear I wanted to put on some muscle! I told her about the 200 grams of protein advice, and she said, "Oh, you don't need that much. Start with 175 grams."

So, 11 cans of tuna.

I eat SO MUCH cottage cheese (I call it "cottaged cheese" for no reason other than it makes me laugh) and instead of trying to eat well under my average calorie burn, I have to make sure to eat more, or else my body will just burn the protein instead of turning it into muscle!

No lie, it has somewhat taken a lot of the fun out of eating! Which, considering how much I weighed only 5 years ago, maybe I needed.

Side-by-side comparison of passport photos!

In any case, I am happy to be getting stronger. It's a dream of mine that someone will see how fit and muscular I am and ask, "Whoa, what sports do you play?"

And I'll say, "None. I got all of this from rolling twenty-sided dice!"