Dadmaster Bistro #1: Zippy Zucchini!

Let's get cooking!

     Once upon a time, I didn't have a kid.  I wasn't married.  It was just me.  That meant that I had no one to impress at home.  I swore that the only kitchen appliance I needed was a microwave.
     Today, I am going to prove that Bachelor Woody and Dadmaster Woody both belong in the kitchen.  I am going to impress the world with my cooking skills, using only a microwave.

     So, first things first, I dug up a ridiculous book someone gave me, and found one of the most ridiculous-sounding recipes.  And I made it for dinner, to see if my wife would enjoy the most gourmet of bachelor cuisine!

Let's cook

Zippy Zucchini!

A zucchini... casserole... quiche... thing.

     Now, that was only a side dish, so I decided to go easy on the main course, and cook some thinly sliced steak in the microwave, too, for sammiches.  (I'm not talking about the sammiches, but trust me, they turned out well!)

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The Recipe:

My friends.  When a book ten years older than you tells you to microwave something for seven minutes, you have to take that advice with a grain of salt.  But believe it or not, that actually steamed the zucchini and onions very well!
Also, I don't know what pimiento is, other than the pepper stuff in olives.  I didn't use that.  Sounded expensive.

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The Result:

Now, one thing that wasn't called for was a tornado warning in the area.  So before we retreated to the basement, I popped my zippy zucchini in the oven, so that when Jessi came home, I could take it out of the oven, and NONE WOULD BE THE WISER!!!
It looked close enough to the picture in the book that I felt like I must have done well.
But!  How did it taste???

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The Reaction:

     Ever so nonchalantly, I asked my sweet wife (who hates vegetables), "So, how was the zucchini thing?"
     She shrugged, nodded, and gave in, "Yeah, it was pretty good!  It made zucchini bearable, which," she added, looking at the stuff, "is saying a lot."
     When she looked up, I was gesturing with excessive flourish, towards the microwave.  She knew about the microwave cookbook, and thought it was ridiculous.  But with a little help from my past self, Dadmaster Woody prevailed!

What say you, old picture of Bachelor Woody?

Dadmaster's first Father's Day!

DanPar and I on his first day at home.

Today, I told my dad, "Happy Father's Day."

Yup, that's a cute little baby Woody and his dad.

And today, he told me, "You, too."

And that is my dad and my son playing by the pool on Father's Day.

Life's weird, yo.

Dad Skillz: How to hold your six-month old!

The "Grade School Bully"

DanPar loves the roughhousing!  I can always count on this one for a smile.  Of course, not for the camera, though.

The "Sack o' Potatoes"

I just love hauling him around.  He usually protests this hold with squeaks and shrieks!  (But he loves it.)

The "Psion"

For many years, I have studied the ancient art of half-assed Photoshop.

The "Football: Spectator Sport Version"

There's a football hold you use for newborns, to support their head.  Well, he can hold it up, so it's a good one-handed way of showing him off!

The "Mega-Piggyback"

It's mega because he's on my shoulders!  Also, he's got a death grip on my hair.  What an awesome kid.

I've heard that... #3

Daddy 'Chieves #1!

I made up achievements for parenting!

Oh, the sheer glee on his face...

Still one of the best pictures we have of DanPar.  Priceless!

Emojis!

DanPar is half a year old now!

     We did it!  He stayed alive and we stayed sane through six months!  It's awesome, because now it's really easy to do the math on comparing his age to my age!  He is about 1/(2 x your age) as old as you!

     I've been at this for half of a year.  Still haven't made too much progress on my world-famous novel, and I am still at about Chubby lbs (in kilos, that's Chubby/2.2), and my latent magical powers are still latent.

     But the best is yet to come!  Here's what I've gathered from the Internet about six-month babies, and here's what it means!

Linguistic development

DanPar should be:
-babbling to get attention
-laughing and smiling
-mimicking sounds

What does this mean???

     Given that our kiddo is going to learn how to cheaply desalinate, sterilize, and transport sea water, by the time the 2015 Nobel laureates are announced in October, he should be able to write his own acceptance speech.

I'm almost certain that's what it says on all Nobel Prizes.

But really.

     No more swear words from his parents, even though they're almost always just for comedic effect.  But what counts as a profanity?  I mean, I grew up thinking that “butt” was a bad word.  So, butt’s probably fine.  But what about stupid?  What about approximations?  “dang” and “fricking” and “heck”?  Parenting is weird.  (I made a survey below.  I hope it works!)

Create your own user feedback survey

(See the results of the survey here!)

Also, he’ll start understanding the sense of my words from my inflection, so I can start making up stories, and they don’t need to make sense, they just need to be intense!  (Time to keep making up my Johns family stories!)  And, actually, I’ve done this with 2^nd graders.  They looooooooooove stories that don’t make sense.

That is, of course, from the adventures of Big Duck and Angry Angry Hippo.

Cognitive development

DanPar should be:
-recognizing people
-playing turn-by-turn games

What does this mean???

     After our boy hero provides the world access to clean water, he will go around and meet everyone.  Since he will be able to know everyone, he will be able to think up solutions to solve all conflicts, and everyone on earth will be happy.

Yes, and he'll figure it all out in the library bathroom.  You know that's where good ideas come from.

But really.

   He’s gonna start realizing that there are more people in the world than his mom and him (and his dad, on good days).  All the NPCs are truly people.  But it’s weird, because you know that everyone has a hard time realizing that fully.  It's a tough concept to grasp, the idea that strangers all matter.  *deep thoughts*

     He’ll actually learn games, and be able to play games!  Even if the game is “let's roll the ball at each other”, he’ll be able to play them.  So, it’s no longer me doing things to make him smile, but us doing things together!  That's huge!

He's gonna be able to tell "mom" and "not-mom" apart!

Physical development

DanPar should be:
-sitting up with a little support
-working on crawling
-rolling from tummy to back and vice versa

What does this mean???

     Now that everyone on earth is happy, the aliens will arrive to try to ruin our days.  With his superpowered MUSCULOS (sounds better in Spanish), DanPar will ninja kick them into the sun, and arm-wrestle their leader until they surrender and offer to fold all of our laundry for forever.

His mom will help, of course.  He's got to learn those skillllz somewhere!

But really.

     I am never going to be able to rest.  He’ll start crawling, so I’ll start vacuuming all the time, sticking pads onto every treacherous corner.  (Including that one corner of the roof that hangs down just low enough to gouge me.)

     But oh!  New baby clothes!  Okay, guys, I have to admit, even though I don’t like shopping, I love shopping for baby clothes.  Why?  Because I can get things that are clever, or things that match, or anything I want!

Best picture ever taken ever.

     So, happy half birthday, kiddo!  I love you, and even though I'm going to miss you as you are now, I know there's so much in store!  Do good and kick ass, my boy!