Drained!

I feel a lot of things today! Here is the explanation for one:

Long ago, I thought there was only one type of tired, the kind that you needed sleep for. Then there was beat, like you'd just done something strenuous and needed to relax. But now that I am an adult, there are lots of different kinds! And today, I am drained.

I'm dreading dealing with one of my neighbors, who is bent on putting a band-aid on our shared fence that desperately needs replacement. So add a tally to the emotional exhaustion side.

This morning, I found that someone had gotten into my car, and rooted around the glove compartment and console. Nothing was stolen, and I'd just forgotten to lock it, but come on, guys. Don't break into cars.

My boys were in their room for four hours before they went to sleep. And for every line in the sand I drew, they kept crossing it. So, each in a different step, I took their toys, books, rug, and extra blankets away, making them cry. But I warned them I would do these things. And I don't back down. But it's so tough to enforce things on people you love.

I made an open-the-flap card for my other neighbors, who just moved in last week! It was fun to think up, but my heart really wasn't in it when I did it, so I sort of just forced myself to do it, which is unpleasant, although I'm still happy I did it.

I've got a job, and it's to edit a book! But the deadline for it recently got moved up, so all of a sudden, it's demanding more time from me to get done, and the author is making revisions faster than I can edit! I'm still proud of my doing it, but it's rough.

For some reason, expecting a baby in October isn't nearly as stressful as I'd expect it to be? Honestly, I see it as a "I just need to make it to THEN" thing, because at that point, well, everything's going to be different. The worries of today will be tiny in comparison.

I guess it's just nice to write down all these thoughts. I'm still drained, but there's an order to the things now.

How about some nice things!

Hodey and I have been co-writing this story, and it's great. To be honest, it's the reason I've fallen behind with my editing. Writing it is so much fun, because, in the rules of the writing, it's all for fun, and we can change anything later.

Coffee is great. I may be a snob, though. I've actually considered bringing my own pot of coffee to Cousin Camp because I like my coffee so much more than anyone else's. But it's still a huge plus, because it's great to love and enjoy things.

Speaking of which, Cousin Camp! My boys have loved spending a couple mornings a week playing with their cousins! It's been a lot of fun, and it's been forcing all three of us into regular socializing.

I'm under 200 pounds! I'm in the Hundo-Club! I know I tend to eat more when I'm stressed, but after the last couple months, my stressed eating is just how I used to eat normally! I've raised my own standards!

I love my boys. I really do. The reason I had to take their things away from their room is because they truly need to sleep, for their own well-being. DanPar loses his mind if he doesn't get at least half an hour's rest. But it wasn't like they were being bad. They were disobedient because they just wanted to play with each other! Nothing mean. Nothing too destructive. They just love fun.

Cherries. I bought some because DanPar wanted some, but I can't think of a single way for him to responsibly eat them. So now I stash them behind the blueberries in the fridge, and bring them out as my own snack! And yes, I will eat the entire two-pound bag I bought.

And here's the big one.

More and more, I feel like I'm seeing more clearly the person who I want to be. I want to make games, I want to read more, and I want to be friendly in any circumstance. I can't just drop the things that stress me out, but I can respond to them in a way that I would find admirable. Don't respond angrily to the bad-fence neighbors, even when they get mean. Be friendly to the new neighbors, and offer anything they need. Be vulnerable, and be honest with those vulnerabilities, and be proud of being true to who you are. Learn what strategies help me lose weight, and share them. Write fearlessly, even if it's badly. When you're frustrated or angry at your kids, hold them and hug them and tell them that you love them, because that's what's most important, and then explain what is making you feel that way. Get to work, even when you don't feel like it. If my diet is any sign, I've shown that I can raise my standards without my knowledge.

All right, that's about that. My life is good. I am drained, but I love who I am, and I love who I want to be.

Hundo-City!

I am nearly there, and it's a bit surreal. I am almost under 200 pounds, which hasn't happened since ROTC in college, almost 10 years ago.
It's been a weird journey from the beginning, so let's start there.

The beginning: Early May-ish.
For the first few months of the year, I'd been half-assing a diet. It was more like "I'll kind of eat healthy, unless I don't feel like it." But one morning, I woke up, and I just thought, "Maybe I'll just eat less today. And tomorrow. And do that until I'm a good weight." I was 225 pounds then.
To me, the weirdness of it is that there was no ceremony. Nothing inspired me other than, "Meh, why not?" And for the next few weeks, I realized I wasn't suffering. I was hungry, sure, but it wasn't too bad.
So I'd eat not much more than chicken and vegetables, and call it a day. DanPar and Crash often ate more calories than I did.

Bad advice: Late May-ish.
This is about when I started telling people, "Hey, I've lost 15 pounds in the last three weeks!" And it was true! I was 210, and I could feel it. Walking around just felt a tiny bit easier. I started to see myself like I was: super handsome, and a magnificent thing to behold. (I'm kidding, but I really did think of myself as extraordinarily good-looking at the time.) And then, like Wile E. Coyote noticing the nothing beneath him, it started to hurt when I started to see results. This is when I remembered some bad advice I'd learned long ago: Try and enjoy hunger pangs. It's a bit sadistic, but it worked. I wouldn't ignore my hunger, I'd feel it, and feel proud.
This is probably an unhealthy relationship with pain and uneasy feelings, but it works. Can't recommend it, though.


Good advice: Early June-ish.
So, how can we satisfy hunger for less calories? That's the million dollar question that I've got a bunch of responses for. And here's what I've got:
- Diet root beer. It doesn't destroy that sweet tooth, but it helps quiet it down. I've stashed some in the corner of the basement, so the kids don't want to drink soda.
- High protein, low carb, not too much fat. These are the macronutrients. Protein is what your body wants. You don't have protein, you lose muscle. You want low carbs so that you burn the fat you've got.
- Count calories. I know what I'm looking at in food. I could be better, more vigilant, in counting calories, but I'm relatively aware of how many calories I'm tossing into my system.
- Bubble gum. Sometimes I just want something good in my mouth. And let me tell you, that sugar-free stuff doesn't always make the cut. But the sugar-ful gum? It's delicious, and it's still much healthier than stuffing my face with anything else.

Battleground: Now.
It's tough. This is a point that I honestly never saw myself getting to. I figured I'd just always be over 200 pounds. BMI says I should be 190, and I thought that was a load of horse dung. Maybe it still is, but it's within reach. I'm slimming down. I've still got a belly, but I've got less of one. But I'm still tempted by everything I see. There's a tube of mini-M&Ms in the basement right now that, honestly, I'm considering dumping down my gullet.
Writing about it helps, although it certainly doesn't set anything to order. It's a messy, helter-skelter, topsy-turvy, harum-scarum gathering of capricious attitudes and questionable advice, but it's resulted in my losing 25 pounds! Earlier this year, I was categorized as Obese, which is over 230 pounds for my height. Now I'm approaching the lower end of Overweight.

And hey, here goes nothing!

(Hundo-City is what I'm calling the club of people who have achieved weight loss to the point of one-hundred-something, as opposed to two-hundred-something.)

I'm sure it's just me, but I think my boys look SO COOL with backwards caps

Snacks and smiles!

The tangle

I once heard an answer to the question, "Why are headphone cables always tangled?" The answer went something like this:

Every one of the 36 inches of the cable can be straight or twisted. The odds are very low that every single inch would happen to not be twisted.

I feel like I worded that badly, but I'll charge ahead. Yesterday, we went to a birthday party! And in this huge indoor playplace, with dozens of other kids, and our two running around, there were at least 36 ways that things could have gone wrong. But you know what? They didn't happen! It was a really great party, and from playground to pizza to presents, our boys did marvelously! I'm proud of the little guys.

And also, they are wonderful at playing together! It's so weird. At first, I was afraid that when Crash Boy showed up, DanPar would feel like our fun together would have to slow down, but it was right when he was learning how to play by himself! And then when I started to play with Crash, I was worried that he would miss me whenever I did something with DanPar. But again, I didn't need to worry; DanPar loved to do things with me in front of Crash, like he was an audience. And now here they are, playing together, best of friends.

There was a time when I'd say I was Daniel's best friend. Probably up until Crash started eating well, and got up and moving and laughing and playing. And while I miss being his best friend, it's good that I don't have to juggle being his friend and being his dad. And it's also handy, because I can leave them alone for just long enough to take a shower some days!

I don't know who started lining them up, but the other joined in!

DanPar showing Crash how tall he is!

Pushing his brother on the swing!

Having lunch to go!

Swinging on the hammock!
(Very dangerous, I would not recommend it!)

Climbing in to see his brother!

No kidding, Crash Boy climbed up there all by himself. They both just... played!

Running around to go up and down again!

Meeting on the slide!

The sweet boys running around together!

My current favorite  picture of them both. DanPar climbed back down and started spinning it for Crash Boy.