Long ago, I thought there was only one type of tired, the kind that you needed sleep for. Then there was beat, like you'd just done something strenuous and needed to relax. But now that I am an adult, there are lots of different kinds! And today, I am drained.
I'm dreading dealing with one of my neighbors, who is bent on putting a band-aid on our shared fence that desperately needs replacement. So add a tally to the emotional exhaustion side.
This morning, I found that someone had gotten into my car, and rooted around the glove compartment and console. Nothing was stolen, and I'd just forgotten to lock it, but come on, guys. Don't break into cars.
My boys were in their room for four hours before they went to sleep. And for every line in the sand I drew, they kept crossing it. So, each in a different step, I took their toys, books, rug, and extra blankets away, making them cry. But I warned them I would do these things. And I don't back down. But it's so tough to enforce things on people you love.
I made an open-the-flap card for my other neighbors, who just moved in last week! It was fun to think up, but my heart really wasn't in it when I did it, so I sort of just forced myself to do it, which is unpleasant, although I'm still happy I did it.
I've got a job, and it's to edit a book! But the deadline for it recently got moved up, so all of a sudden, it's demanding more time from me to get done, and the author is making revisions faster than I can edit! I'm still proud of my doing it, but it's rough.
For some reason, expecting a baby in October isn't nearly as stressful as I'd expect it to be? Honestly, I see it as a "I just need to make it to THEN" thing, because at that point, well, everything's going to be different. The worries of today will be tiny in comparison.
I guess it's just nice to write down all these thoughts. I'm still drained, but there's an order to the things now.
How about some nice things!
Hodey and I have been co-writing this story, and it's great. To be honest, it's the reason I've fallen behind with my editing. Writing it is so much fun, because, in the rules of the writing, it's all for fun, and we can change anything later.
Coffee is great. I may be a snob, though. I've actually considered bringing my own pot of coffee to Cousin Camp because I like my coffee so much more than anyone else's. But it's still a huge plus, because it's great to love and enjoy things.
Speaking of which, Cousin Camp! My boys have loved spending a couple mornings a week playing with their cousins! It's been a lot of fun, and it's been forcing all three of us into regular socializing.
I'm under 200 pounds! I'm in the Hundo-Club! I know I tend to eat more when I'm stressed, but after the last couple months, my stressed eating is just how I used to eat normally! I've raised my own standards!
I love my boys. I really do. The reason I had to take their things away from their room is because they truly need to sleep, for their own well-being. DanPar loses his mind if he doesn't get at least half an hour's rest. But it wasn't like they were being bad. They were disobedient because they just wanted to play with each other! Nothing mean. Nothing too destructive. They just love fun.
Cherries. I bought some because DanPar wanted some, but I can't think of a single way for him to responsibly eat them. So now I stash them behind the blueberries in the fridge, and bring them out as my own snack! And yes, I will eat the entire two-pound bag I bought.
And here's the big one.
More and more, I feel like I'm seeing more clearly the person who I want to be. I want to make games, I want to read more, and I want to be friendly in any circumstance. I can't just drop the things that stress me out, but I can respond to them in a way that I would find admirable. Don't respond angrily to the bad-fence neighbors, even when they get mean. Be friendly to the new neighbors, and offer anything they need. Be vulnerable, and be honest with those vulnerabilities, and be proud of being true to who you are. Learn what strategies help me lose weight, and share them. Write fearlessly, even if it's badly. When you're frustrated or angry at your kids, hold them and hug them and tell them that you love them, because that's what's most important, and then explain what is making you feel that way. Get to work, even when you don't feel like it. If my diet is any sign, I've shown that I can raise my standards without my knowledge.
All right, that's about that. My life is good. I am drained, but I love who I am, and I love who I want to be.
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