A mite more than "just" anything.

A quick update:

• Sold the house
• Moved into my mom's basement
• Seven people living in not-our-house
• House should be done August-September

It's been one of the craziest and most stressful times of my life. Yesterday I broke down crying, and the entire time I was just saying "I don't know, I don't know," because in all honesty, I don't know why. I think it's just everything. I'm a naturally happy person, but I am unhappy. If the world around me is business as usual, I thrive. But everything is just super difficult for me.

I have a lot of bad days, and being stretched so thin, it doesn't take much to make a normal day a bad day. I feel like I've become the kind of person who's stressed so often that asking for help is my norm.

Anyways.

Whenever something brings me down, I tell myself "I just need ___." Depending on whatever brings me down, I just need a break, more sleep, a hug, solitude, a change in attitude, a way to calmly assert myself, to do something, to do nothing, all that. I think it's safe to say that I need more than just anything. I need a lot of things, and it hurts that there's no simple solution. Life just hurts right now. I can't will myself to be the person I want to be, or feel the way I want to feel. Times are hard. I think I'm managing okay, but it's just hard. It's. Just. Hard.

Let me write this down as a reminder for myself and anyone else: It's okay to not be okay. You will get through this.

I love my boys. They're a huge source of stress, perhaps the top three sources, but they are such a joy. Echo has made his decision, and I am his favorite. He'll come and find me, he'll drag a backpack over to me, and just be so happy. He wants to share every feeling he has with me, positive or negative. It's exhausting.

Crash is so sweet, and he's getting so articulate. He's coming up with his own way to play games, and while it makes it hard to do anything around him, it's wonderful that he wants to be part of whatever we're doing.

DanPar is smart, clever, and oh boy, does he have opinions. He's got a mischievous streak and a beautiful face full of freckles. He leads his brothers along on some of the craziest things I've seen, and he just thinks of everything. He's a great kid.

Dad's in trouble. Well, no. Dad's just sad. Dad's just been having a lot of bad days. I hope I can sort of get out the other side without any permanent damage. I hope I can still feel proud of myself on my good days, when they come. For now, I'm just trying to get to that other side intact.

See, now I'm tearing up again. I don't know why. It's just all weighing down on me. And crying is just so exhausting. What a dumb reason to try not to feel the emotions bubbling up. Because there's just no time for them.

I just need... so much.

Here are boys.