Burning, burning, burnt out.

I'm treating myself from a second-person perspective today. Instead of "I'm going to have sausage for breakfast!", it's "Hey, you need to eat. Get some sausage." Because I'm stressed to the point where I physically feel it. Now, I've had experience giving advice, and I've talked over that "if you got control of so-and-so's life for a little while, what would you do?" thing a few times. So now it's time to fall back on that. My first line of defense is gone. My normal way of doing things, by feeling my way along? Going with my gut? It's resulted in me losing my mind and losing my temper. So, I'm going to take the time to listen to myself.

"If I got control of my own life for a little while, what would I do?"

That's the question. I know that I can't rely on me to just... do things. I need a bit more intentionality. I need to give everything more time, and plan things out.
My gut just can't be trusted right now, and that's okay. I'm going to do everything I can to get better.

Here's what I've got going for me:

1. Layers to slough off.
Life starts to press in, but I've got layers to shed! I'm not doing the Copper Coin anymore, which, sure, is sad, but it's disposable, and I can pick it up later! I stopped writing my book, which, again, sad, but again, no big loss! It's time that I get back, and that I can spend on things on my plate.

2. The necessary parts are routine.
I did laundry today! Sometimes when I'm feeling blue, chores go out the window because I don't have enough energy. But the chores are so common that doing them takes very little energy!

3. I made a list.
Appreciation
Alone time
Slack
Sleep
Thanks to my forethought, I know what things I need more of in order to get better. It's literally on a post-it on our bulletin board. I need to give myself props, I need to spend time alone to mentally recharge, I need to not beat myself up for things, and I need to make sure my head's on the pillow as much as it needs to be there.

4. I am not a proud man.
It takes effort to ask for help, but I know the help is there. I've got plenty of close friends for mental support, and a good wife to help ease my load. I don't need to act like I've got a perfect life. I know I'm hurt and breaking, and there's power in owning up to that.

I know I'm going to be all right, but it's a sad time for me. I am unhappy right now, and I can physically feel how stressed I am. It's hard, because there's so much I feel like I should be doing, or at least could be doing. And there isn't a single big point of stress. Life just currently stresses me out in general. My day-to-day is slowly overwhelming, and it'll take sustained effort to get past that. But I need to take the time to take care of myself. Because it's what I need, and it's what my kids deserve.

Ice cream at the park!

Crash Boy and DanPar are just the best brothers ever.

Eating bananas!

Crash Boy laying out some new toys from Easter!

Easter kite flying!

It was so crazy that I asked the dentist to take a picture. Three boys. And I did it.
I earned a trophy today.

They get it!

Sometimes my boys will just make me mad, and it's the worst way to find out that I'm stressed. I have a hard time telling how close I am to flipping my lid, but it's tough, because I know my boys don't need that. Anger won't help them grow.

So today, Crash Boy was crying. Screaming, because he wanted water. I'd given him enough, but he wanted more. I knew I was boiling over. I was tired, Echo was being sad and clingy, and it was all piling on top of me. I marched over to him, my emotions all aswirl, but before I could shout NO at the poor boy, I sat down next to him. "I'm sorry, kiddo. I'm really cranky right now because I need a nap and because Echo is crying. I am not going to get you water because I already gave you enough. I'm sorry."

The kid is 2. Most rational discussions are beyond him, but he's been on the receiving end of a cranky DanPar before, and he understood. He still wanted water, and he was still fussy, but I managed not to escalate. Four years into having kids, and my temper, which hasn't been a big deal in my adult life, appears to be one of my biggest problems. It'll flare up out of the blue.

What really spoke to me was a quote I read somewhere.

"When my kids are in trouble, I don't want them to think that they need to hide things from me. I want to be the first person they call."

It's so true. I need to keep this in mind with my discipline. And today I took one step in the right direction. Demonstrating what it's like to talk about my feelings. I don't blame the kids. It's not easy.

Here are some animated gifs of my boys!

Such a sweet boy with such a sweet smile!

All my boys, all squashed together! 

He eats solids!

Taking the barefoot leap!

Just trying to get the ONE good picture, but here's all the outtakes!

My crazy-haired Crash Boy! These boys and sticking out their tongues!

They sure are creative in their recklessness!

I love these big posters! Crash Boy does, too!

A chock full Saturday!

On Saturday, we baked a pie, I went out with Jessi's phone and played Pokemon Go for an hour with friends, I delivered some of the pie and chatted with neighbors for a half an hour, and then went to a friend's birthday party, schmoozing and talking and making friends and playing games and eventually doing the dishes at 2am.

I am very grateful to have a life that I can fill with so many things. There's always the draw of sitting back and doing nothing, which sure is nice, but the more I experience, the more I live. And it's so nice to feel alive. :)

DanPar and Crash

I still remember when Crash became more of a friend to DanPar than I was. Of course, it's the healthy thing to do. But I think it's so weird. Crash is only 2! DanPar is 4! And yet, these boys are the best of friends.

They've slept in the same room for give-or-take a year, they've sat at the same table for every meal, and they'll play with each other. Whatever one does, the other one does. They are so close.

I find myself more and more often as the referee in their interactions. I see them trading books, sharing toys, and deciding what they should do next. The rules that I'm enforcing are their rules! I love how these two goobers are the best of friends.

Having a pre-blizzard lunch!

Little lemmings!

Hiding from each other in the living room.

Hiding in a laundry basket!

They are just so happy!

Unresolved, expectedly hard to resolve...

A month ago, I was determined that I'd be done in a week with this book. I was on a roll. I was going to finish writing a book for the first time in my life! But I sort of painted myself into a massive corner.

The entire book was a response to a romance novel that made me think, "Man, even I could do better than this!" So it was going to be a romance. I wanted something with drama! Something with suspense! Something with... shapeshifters?

I couldn't help myself. I love elements of fiction. So it became a sort of romance novel, tucked inside a science-fiction world. That was actually not too bad. But then it came to my style of writing. Here's an excerpt:

Langdon opened the door to his apartment, and was greeted by a wall. He found a closet with a short shower stall and toilet in it, which was amusingly called a bathroom, despite the absence of a bath and, more so, its complete refusal to fit a standing adult anywhere inside of it, thus making it not much of a room, either. There was space for a two-seated couch or a small bed. If one were to try for both, the kitchen, the “bathroom”, and the entryway could only be accessed by scaling over both.

The style of writing allows for the narrator to make observations, and, naturally, make observational humor. The narration has no problem calling characters' actions stupid, and will describe pertinent thoughts of everyone.

Being able to describe everyone's thoughts leaves little room for tension, but I forged ahead! I threw together some characters, stirred up some drama, and then I hit my wall.

I had no idea what kind of book I was writing.

Initially, it was a romance book for men. Men are romantic creatures, but books and society at large tend to underplay the impact of our feelings. This was, to be sure, a little delusion of grandeur. While I still believe that the male perspective of romance needs to be present, the book itself is a bit too silly to critically present anything. And I like silly.

I told Jessi about the entire thing last night, about how a fraction of the population can turn slightly animalistic at night, and how the romance and drama I'd written resulted in our hero, Langdon, having no actual friends, having distanced himself from everyone.

"The only parts you've ever told me about," Jessi said, "were just shenanigans."

AND THAT. CHANGED. EVERYTHING.

So! My book, still codenamed "Unresolved", is back on the drawing board (or more accurately, the operating table). It's a book about a guy and his shenanigans. There's romance. There's action. There's drama. There's humor laced throughout the entire thing. And while I have the daunting task of redoing a lot of it, I'm back to being excited.

Anyways, I've got to get back to it! I'm going through it and rewriting a good amount, but it's still progress!

Here are my kiiiiiiiiiiids! They're cute!

Dadmaster: The pre-planning thoughts.

I know, I know, calling a post by the same name as the blog? Poor taste. But it gets down to one of my goals in life: I'd love to have a pencil and paper role-playing game with my kids. The boys like fun, and if there's a game even inferred at, I know they'll jump on board.

Here's the thing, though. They are working on a level so much higher than I am. Their imagination takes me back to the days when I drew spaceships, and a triangle meant an engine, a square meant a  missile launcher, and every day I invented some illogical and absurd method of doing something that, in itself, was illogical and absurd.

For example, I remember a plan I made for a ship that traveled underwater, surrounded by a barrier of lasers that evaporated the water in such a way that the steam reflected the laser around the entirety of the ship. So, underneath a laser barrier, everyone stayed perfectly dry.

My theory on childhood and adulthood is this: When you grow up, you learn how to measure things.

On one side, this means you can learn how to build something, or cook something, or devise a plan that solves multiple problems. You learn how to compromise with others and you learn how to moderate yourself.

On the other side, it means you learn how to moderate your own feelings. Your imagination is still as powerful as before, but you give it bounds to give it meaning. You withhold your heart. In my mind, this is why God asks us to be like a child. To love without compromise. To be open to the expanse of infinity that He holds. Because if we try to know God in measured terms, we can't do it.

Whew! Well, that got a bit deeper than I meant it to. What I'm trying to say is, I refuse to restrict their imagination. If they decide that their group of travelling knights is going to hop on a rocket ship and save Mars from some sort of Evil Batman... that's what we'll do!

Parent friends and the peril of seeing them!

Twice a week, I go to my brother's wife's sister's house, and play games with my brother's wife and my brother's wife's sister's husband.
Now that that's explained, let's talk about it!
Jordan has a lot of board games. Maybe even over a hundred? And most days, we learn a new game, play it, and then play one that we've already learned. Also, if Jess is late, then Jordan and I play a game just between us!
Oh, and there's seven kids hanging around, but they know how to play together very well!

But man oh man, it is hard to keep a diet around friends. Eating is social, eating is FUN, and even back in the heyday of the Sad Woody Diet, if I was hanging out with friends, I let myself forget about the diet. I still managed to lose 30 pounds this way, so it worked all right! But that was back when I rarely hung out with people. Maybe a couple times a month? But a couple times a week? Whew!
Last time I weighed myself, I came in at 199 pounds. That is just inside the city limits of Hundo-Town, and I know this whole board gaming parent thing is to blame!

What I should do is bring my own food, and have a hearty breakfast before coming over.

Well, problem solved! Here's some cute pictures!

I had a picture of Josie smiling, and a picture of Echo smiling. So I put them together!

Jaina is a silly one!