Redeeming the Tooth Fairy's treasure!

DanPar lost his tooth!

And he got a dollar!

And he wanted to use it on a crane machine in the entrance to Country Buffet, but thank goodness Jessi convinced him otherwise. She told him that it wasn't guaranteed he'd get something, so we went to Dollar Tree instead!

DanPar saw a water squirter and he decided that would be it. Jessi also saw some big bubble wand things, and so we got a couple of those, too!

Jessi took Crash and Echo into a different aisle, and so it was just me and the DanPar. Now, I wanted him to be able to pay with his dollar, so I snuck a secret 8 cents over by the cashier, who was still checking out the last customer. I gave her some hushed words "That's for later, don't worry about it," but apparently hushed words in this context tend to lean towards "Put the money in the bag," because she gave me this look. Suspicion and a hint of fear.
Whoops.
Eventually, when sweet little DanPar proudly handed her his dollar, and I loudly (not hushed) said, "This is the dollar he got from the tooth fairy!", she got the idea, and she did her part VERY well. I know it's a lot to ask from a stranger, to be in on the subterfuge, but what else could I do? Next time, I'll talk to the cashier beforehand, so they know the three pennies and a nickel aren't some secret message that means "I'm gonna rob you."
Anyways, it worked! And we've had a fun time playing with the squirter and bubbles!

The hobbies of a stay-at-home dad!

Technology can be a drag. It's not right that people should be satisfied jut sitting on their asses and look at their phones, but as a man who has done this plenty in his life, let me say that people are GOOD at making things attention-grabbing. The Internet is virtually infinite, and you can do anything on it. And with smartphones, that infinity is in the palms of our hands.

But with infinity, the easiest thing for a tired mind to do is kick a can around.
So here are the hobbies that I try to keep up with!


1. Writing

I've got ideas bouncing around, but it isn't until I put them on paper that they really start to make sense. For a month, I was planning this encounter between a main character and this other guy. But when I put my fingers on the keys, I made them a brother and sister with a strained relationship! A scattered month of planning couldn't match 20 minutes typing.
It's hard to motivate myself to write when ideas aren't coming, but it's when I start writing that ideas actually materialize.


2. Editing

It's a hobby that's made me a few hundred dollars! Isn't that the dream? I like to read ideas and be a part of growing them into bigger and better stories! I think I'm particularly good at  helping other people hone in on what they want to say.
It helps that I've got some projects that are always on the backburner. Some friends who've just sent me things for grammar and spelling, or to see if a story's there, but no rush. It makes it a more leisurely hobby, even though every few months I find myself working hard to get things done!


3. Board game design

Of anything, this is the most sporadic hobby I've got. I have yet to actually finish anything, but I've probably started ten games while I've been a dad. I keep on getting ideas like "What if you could build a city while fighting off monsters?" or "What if you set up actions before a battle and so battles were fast-paced?" or "What if you built giant robots?"
Actually, I guess I've had some success with tabletop RPGs! Homebrew DnD that we played on my 28th birthday, Umbra that I've played for two sessions (and I'm working on a third). These ones are a bit easier to design, because I can make things up as I go! I just need the most basic rules, and because the games essentially require me to guide them (which is the most heart-pumping fun time ever), I don't need much set in stone.


4. Reading

It takes me forever to read a book, but I do enjoy it. It's a good alternative to a phone screen, and honestly, it feels good to show my kids that it's fun to read.

It's hard to stave off the ability to just be entertained by mindless things. But these are the hobbies I have!

Now here are cute kids!

Just kidding. Those are my non-cute kids! But I love them regardless.

I was a good kid... I think?

Back when I was doing the Leader's Training Course for the Army ROTC in Fort Knox, I made sure that the drill sergeants did not know my name. That's what doing a good job looks like when you're a cadet. But there was one time I couldn't help but crack a joke.

They were talking about how we were never to use the 3-round burst option on our M-16s, because if you aimed right, the enemy never took more than one shot. Standing at ease, I quipped, "Drill sergeant, what if it's a boss fight?"

The sergeant, who was one of the nicer ones, came over to me, looked in my eyes, looked down at my name (because I was a good cadet), and said, "Then you're free to rain hell on them, Johns." And he turned away and continued his lecture.

Looking back, my childhood (which apparently extends to when I was 20 years old), is dotted with these sorts of situations. Nine times out of ten, I was the exemplary student and kid, which meant that I got away with that one time out of ten when I wasn't!

I've been carrying a digital camera in my pocket since I was a senior in high school. This was before every Tom, Dick, and Harry with a phone had one, so my college years are particularly well-documented for someone my age! Anyways, high school. Mr. Deconna, great teacher, once displayed, for an instant, a page with all the books we'd read, and all the themes we would be expected to talk about on the final. It was sort of like a joke, but also a "find the book that gives you the most trouble and make a quick note." Some people got out a notebook. I got out a camera. And by the time the ten seconds were up, I had snapped a picture, and people were already writing their email address in my notebook.

Maybe it wasn't exactly strictly enforced, but you weren't supposed to climb on top of the buildings at UVa. But I did. A few times a week. I'd brought a sleeping bag and spent the night up on Wilson, only to wake up to lines of students filing into their morning classes below me.

I never broke a desk, but only out of luck. From high school to college, the quickest way for me to get from one side of a classroom to the other was the high altitude option. I would walk, sometimes jump, from desktop to desktop.

I was a smart kid. Very smart. I knew how to get around the security on the school computers, and while I'm sure I could have done endless carnage to the system, I used it to show my friends silly videos.

I think what really made me think this was all right was that it was, although I didn't think it at the time, sticking it to the man. No one in specific was hurt by my actions, even though I'd hate to see my kids doing the same thing. (Except for climbing on buildings, that was cool.) And often in these situations, I helped my friends. I got a chuckle from my squadmates, I helped my friends pass their AP English final, and I have a lot of memories of evenings and nights spent on the rooftops of UVa with good friends.

The moral of the story? I don't know. I got lucky. With the slack that I had, I could have caused real trouble. Instead, I was more interested in making people happy than hurting anyone. I always avoided drugs because I knew better. I'm happy with who I am now, now that I can honestly give myself a lookover and trust that I'll give myself fair criticism.

But enough about that, here are my boys, who will never do anything troublesome in their lives!

Burning, burning, burnt out.

I'm treating myself from a second-person perspective today. Instead of "I'm going to have sausage for breakfast!", it's "Hey, you need to eat. Get some sausage." Because I'm stressed to the point where I physically feel it. Now, I've had experience giving advice, and I've talked over that "if you got control of so-and-so's life for a little while, what would you do?" thing a few times. So now it's time to fall back on that. My first line of defense is gone. My normal way of doing things, by feeling my way along? Going with my gut? It's resulted in me losing my mind and losing my temper. So, I'm going to take the time to listen to myself.

"If I got control of my own life for a little while, what would I do?"

That's the question. I know that I can't rely on me to just... do things. I need a bit more intentionality. I need to give everything more time, and plan things out.
My gut just can't be trusted right now, and that's okay. I'm going to do everything I can to get better.

Here's what I've got going for me:

1. Layers to slough off.
Life starts to press in, but I've got layers to shed! I'm not doing the Copper Coin anymore, which, sure, is sad, but it's disposable, and I can pick it up later! I stopped writing my book, which, again, sad, but again, no big loss! It's time that I get back, and that I can spend on things on my plate.

2. The necessary parts are routine.
I did laundry today! Sometimes when I'm feeling blue, chores go out the window because I don't have enough energy. But the chores are so common that doing them takes very little energy!

3. I made a list.
Appreciation
Alone time
Slack
Sleep
Thanks to my forethought, I know what things I need more of in order to get better. It's literally on a post-it on our bulletin board. I need to give myself props, I need to spend time alone to mentally recharge, I need to not beat myself up for things, and I need to make sure my head's on the pillow as much as it needs to be there.

4. I am not a proud man.
It takes effort to ask for help, but I know the help is there. I've got plenty of close friends for mental support, and a good wife to help ease my load. I don't need to act like I've got a perfect life. I know I'm hurt and breaking, and there's power in owning up to that.

I know I'm going to be all right, but it's a sad time for me. I am unhappy right now, and I can physically feel how stressed I am. It's hard, because there's so much I feel like I should be doing, or at least could be doing. And there isn't a single big point of stress. Life just currently stresses me out in general. My day-to-day is slowly overwhelming, and it'll take sustained effort to get past that. But I need to take the time to take care of myself. Because it's what I need, and it's what my kids deserve.

Ice cream at the park!

Crash Boy and DanPar are just the best brothers ever.

Eating bananas!

Crash Boy laying out some new toys from Easter!

Easter kite flying!

It was so crazy that I asked the dentist to take a picture. Three boys. And I did it.
I earned a trophy today.

They get it!

Sometimes my boys will just make me mad, and it's the worst way to find out that I'm stressed. I have a hard time telling how close I am to flipping my lid, but it's tough, because I know my boys don't need that. Anger won't help them grow.

So today, Crash Boy was crying. Screaming, because he wanted water. I'd given him enough, but he wanted more. I knew I was boiling over. I was tired, Echo was being sad and clingy, and it was all piling on top of me. I marched over to him, my emotions all aswirl, but before I could shout NO at the poor boy, I sat down next to him. "I'm sorry, kiddo. I'm really cranky right now because I need a nap and because Echo is crying. I am not going to get you water because I already gave you enough. I'm sorry."

The kid is 2. Most rational discussions are beyond him, but he's been on the receiving end of a cranky DanPar before, and he understood. He still wanted water, and he was still fussy, but I managed not to escalate. Four years into having kids, and my temper, which hasn't been a big deal in my adult life, appears to be one of my biggest problems. It'll flare up out of the blue.

What really spoke to me was a quote I read somewhere.

"When my kids are in trouble, I don't want them to think that they need to hide things from me. I want to be the first person they call."

It's so true. I need to keep this in mind with my discipline. And today I took one step in the right direction. Demonstrating what it's like to talk about my feelings. I don't blame the kids. It's not easy.

Here are some animated gifs of my boys!

Such a sweet boy with such a sweet smile!

All my boys, all squashed together! 

He eats solids!

Taking the barefoot leap!

Just trying to get the ONE good picture, but here's all the outtakes!

My crazy-haired Crash Boy! These boys and sticking out their tongues!

They sure are creative in their recklessness!

I love these big posters! Crash Boy does, too!

A chock full Saturday!

On Saturday, we baked a pie, I went out with Jessi's phone and played Pokemon Go for an hour with friends, I delivered some of the pie and chatted with neighbors for a half an hour, and then went to a friend's birthday party, schmoozing and talking and making friends and playing games and eventually doing the dishes at 2am.

I am very grateful to have a life that I can fill with so many things. There's always the draw of sitting back and doing nothing, which sure is nice, but the more I experience, the more I live. And it's so nice to feel alive. :)

DanPar and Crash

I still remember when Crash became more of a friend to DanPar than I was. Of course, it's the healthy thing to do. But I think it's so weird. Crash is only 2! DanPar is 4! And yet, these boys are the best of friends.

They've slept in the same room for give-or-take a year, they've sat at the same table for every meal, and they'll play with each other. Whatever one does, the other one does. They are so close.

I find myself more and more often as the referee in their interactions. I see them trading books, sharing toys, and deciding what they should do next. The rules that I'm enforcing are their rules! I love how these two goobers are the best of friends.

Having a pre-blizzard lunch!

Little lemmings!

Hiding from each other in the living room.

Hiding in a laundry basket!

They are just so happy!