Memorial

 One of my best friends died 17 days ago, on September 13th.

Yesterday, I attended a memorial service in his honor. I knew that he had been going through a hard time, and I was hoping that he was getting help for his alcoholism, but it sounds like it caught up to him.

He was lonely. Which is a terrible place to be. When you feel like you have no one to turn to, you have to rely on yourself. And my friend did not do well by himself. He would call just to have me reassure him that I love him and don't think that he's a total screw-up. He would apologize for things that I had long forgiven him for. He was the kind of person who felt good when he was moving forward, but couldn't stand being in one place. Constantly moving, constantly losing jobs and finding new ones, and constantly feeling like he was far behind his own standards.

I heard from his family that when they tried to tell him to get help, he would push them away. So whenever he was forced to move back in with his parents, which wasn't uncommon, he felt like an utter failure.

The pandemic shut him down. He had just heard from someone in California who wanted to work with him on developing a score for his musical, but everything had to stop. He kept working, kept trying to make it happen, but his demons were catching up with him now that he couldn't try and outrun them, and he was ill-equipped to fight them.

I was his friend for longer than I've been married. I spoke to him weekly. And now he's gone.

I am proud of how I acted with him. Whenever he was in town, I always made an effort to meet up with him and play board games, like we've done for over a decade. I kept in touch with him, gave him good actionable advice. I lent him money when he needed it. I told him that I loved him every time we talked.

And every time we said goodbye, we would hug until our hearts touched.

His dog. <3 A real sweet doggo right there.

The most striking thing about the memorial was that, looking back on it, I was the only one who was his friend. Everyone else was either a relative or a friend of his parents. Meeting his brother and sister, it was clear that they weren't in contact, and they each said that they had heard a lot about me, while I had to be reminded of their names over the course of the day.

Out of at least fifty people at the memorial, I knew no one but his mother and his nephew, but I was the one who seemed to know the most about him.

I have vowed that my house would always be a safe, open, and welcoming place for my boys come hell or highwater, because I saw that when hell and highwater came for my friend, he felt oppressed living with his family.

Another thing is, and this is something that's happened before, is that it's so weird when I live up to the hype. I have personality in boldface font, and so people I've never met come to expect me to live up to a reputation that precedes me. But there I was, starting conversations with strangers, chatting amicably with nieces and nephews I'd never met, playing freeze-dance with a five year-old who would otherwise be throwing a tantrum, finding things to laugh about when talking about my late friend's oddities, and hugging his mother for a full minute while she cried into my vest. (Oh yes, and he loved to wear vests, so I wore one in his honor.)

Although the service was more of a drop-in-when-you-can arrangement, I arrived when it began, and left half an hour after it ended.

It's very surreal. I don't know if I've fully grasped that there won't ever be a next time with him.

I love him, and I will miss him very much. Probably for the rest of my life.

The Bachelor Pad

 What a weekend it's been!

Jessi has been off and away with her mom and sister, having a wonderful time, and after a particularly stressful couple of weeks at work, it's great timing for it.

So it's been me and the boys, on what was meant to be a pretty busy weekend, only for it to end up being INCREDIBLY busy! Last Tuesday, Daniel had a scooter collision with his cousin and the next morning, his pinky was swollen and just didn't work how it ought. So, we took him into an urgent care, got it x-rayed, and, wouldn't you know it, the pinky is broken, and they wrapped his entire arm out of an excess of caution! While the break itself isn't terrible, it goes through his growth plate, so they're going to lengths to ensure that it heals right.

I colored the break with red pen!

On Friday, Daniel and I went to Children's Hospital and got the arm in a brace. Then we got stormed on, but I was prepared and brought an umbrella! Just one, though, so I got SOAKED.

Thank goodness the picnic after school on Friday was cancelled! I would have just up and exploded, I think!

Saturday we drove down for Schwan's bridal shower, where I was very proud because I brought enough toys for all the kids who attended to play with! I also met a bunch of dudes who I'll be going to the Bachelor Party with!

The devil's mix!!! Mixing Skittles and m&ms!

Sunday was Jaina's birthday, and I got a haircut!

These kids know how to enjoy a party!

Monday was Dad's retirement party, and Jessi had finally gotten home! And tell you what, I hope she relaxed hard enough on vacation, because wrangling three boys on a rooftop patio with cake and appetizers and little plastic swords in the appetizers?? Phew!

So much chaos in just one little boy!

Anyways, Jessi is back home, and she is wonderful. She is snuggly and fun and we always have a good time together! Even when assembling furniture, which is what we're up to in our closet! (I'm excited for our closet to come together!)

Sunday in Castlewood Canyon!

 My friend Jenn is in town, and whenever she's around, she makes me want to go out and do a thing! We've hiked Red Rocks, gone up to a mountain lake, and this time, we went to Castlewood Canyon!

I tried to convince all my boys to come with me and give Jessi a break, but in the end, I could only convince one!

Echo was such an adventurous little guy yesterday! We leapt over rocks, running off of the trail to find them, and shout "shortcut!" as we took routes that were obviously NOT shortcuts.

At one point, Echo said, "Dad! Shortcut!" and pointed to what was just a drop-off right into the canyon, and I replied, "That's not a shortcut, that's a death trap!" Which, because this boy is VERY like his dad, became the new game! He'd point at paths that led to sheer cliffs and shout "shortcut!" and I'd say, "Noooo! That's the deathliest death trap that's ever trapped!"

At one death trap point, we saw a waterfall pretty far off. (We had no idea where we were actually going.) And Echo was so excited, he said, "Dad! Let's go to that waterfall!" And so, we decided heck with it, it was waterfall-hunting time!

We followed the directions of other hikers, followed the path, followed our gut sense of direction, and before long, we made it to a little stream! We found a crawdad in the stream, which made me a little nostalgic, because my brothers and I used to let the crawdads nip at our feet when I was a kid! It's probably been half my life since I'd been here, but I still remember it! (Which also means I remember crying because I didn't want crawdads to nip my toes.)

The path was a overgrown and crowded, so Echo and I took off our shoes and walked down the stream, trying to follow the sand so we wouldn't slip on the rocks, but occasionally I would lift him over a boulder, and he would say, "I'm floating!" as I did it. 💗 He's such a sweet and adventurous and brave guy! Which was tough when we got to the edge of the waterfall, because he wanted to hang out RIGHT BY THE EDGE!

And then came THE PHOTO OP. We all played a game that Echo created, which was that Echo would find big rocks, give each of them a big rock, and then we'd throw them off the waterfall! I was able to sneak away while Jenn and Edwin entertained the rascal, and I climbed barefoot across a steep slope, holding onto roots and skidding down rocks, until I found a place where I could set up my tripod. I set my phone in it, connected it to bluetooth, and then climbed barefoot again back up the rocks and roots and clicked my bluetooth clicker to get the amazing picture above!!! All four of us at the top of the waterfall!

And then I climbed barefoot all over again to get my phone and tripod and climbed barefoot back over again to rejoin my peeps! Echo did such a good job, and he had a wonderful time in Castlewood Canyon, collecting acorns and finding shortcuts and death traps.

And then came his wonderful reward! Back on July 11th, we all dashed out the door to get our free Slurpees, but when we got there, the Slurpee machine broke down! Which meant all my children broke down! This is all important to say, because yesterday, when we got to the 7-11 so Echo could collect his bribe, the attendant had been told to give Slurpees away for free, because it was so hot out!!!!

So in the end, Echo got his free Slurpee! I proved to myself that I am in good shape because I hiked a long way with a bag full of supplies and with a kid on my back for a lot of the way, and I feel like such a good dad for taking Echo, a good husband for insisting I take at least one kid, and a good friend for going on an adventure with a college friend.

Which makes it a really really good day in my book!

The first day of the rest of my life!!!!

 It's finally here!!!!!! Echo is now in school, and he did great at drop-off!!! I think he's gonna knock their socks off; he's one smart cookie!

And so, slowly slowly, gently gently, I'm starting to feel like I'm regaining control of my life. I love my boys, but they are high-energy and do not slow down! But now, I can hear myself think! I have room to move around! I can sit down and do things for longer than five minutes, without that switch in the back of my head that keeps me on edge!

And so, here I sit, with a bowl of watermelon, three fidget spinners, and a world of promise ahead of me! Finally having time to myself can only help me be calm and enjoy the time with my kiddos. I have projects planned, I've enrolled in some editing courses through the library, and I have checklists and calendars and biweekly self-assessed check-ins to get my rear in gear!

But I'm not in a rush. I'm going to hit the the ground strolling, and I'm so happy!

The Summer Slog!

 50 days, ladies and gentlemen! 50 days until the boys are all in school. I've been overstressed since 2019, and I am ALMOST THERE.

Summer has been tough. Kids stay up late because of the sun, and it's as if the neighbor-cousins scheduled their trips so that they're away whenever we're at home!

There's been no shortage of creativity from our boys. Daniel's turning out to be a Lego maniac, Crash likes to sit down with markers and paper, and Echo.... well, okay, Echo is just as much a muggle-rat as he's ever been. This sweet guy, he just loves to be in the middle of things, and sometimes that means he wants to lie down in front of the oven when we're baking, or come screaming and crying down the stairs whenever Mama leaves the house, even if it's just to turn on the front yard sprinklers.

And they are SO LOUD. Some days I'll hide from my kids in the pantry because I can't trust myself to keep my cool, or cover my ears with my hands while they're screaming because it hurts my ears and takes my stress to astronomically high levels!

I can say "I just need a break", but it was almost a relief when Father's Day didn't really pan out. I was exhausted and emotionally spent, and even if I had a day to go out and do my own thing, I feel like I would've spent the entire time just wishing I were back home, sitting down.

I need time, not just one day away. Time to recover, which I have to accept might look like a few weeks not doing anything. I'm tired. I want to fly to the heights that I know I can, but I'm lucky to feel like I can (metaphorically) walk most days.

The boys have begun their week of swim lessons! I think they're going to do really well! Daniel was scream-crying at us just yesterday (for probably 30 minutes straight) that he didn't want to go, but he was excited today. Echo's a bit hesitant to trust the instructor to hold him at a distance while he practices kicks, but he's learning what he can. He's a bright little muggle-rat, and that's the truth.

I made myself a little schedule to follow, for things to clean and things to do when I've finally got time, and I think that's a good move for me. I'm a checklist kind of guy, when it comes down to it!

Okay, it's shower time. I feel sticky. SUMMER!!!

Bad Decisions Farm

Hey! My last post was a bit bleak, and, to be fair to myself, things are still bleak. My chest stopped being tight and terrible on Monday, but it's Saturday, and I woke up to children fighting, my teeth not biting right, and my chest is right there again, reminding me that I can't handle what comes at me every day.

But let me tell you about my farm. Jessi decided it was time to play a videogame we haven't played in years, Stardew Valley! Memories about the game never fail to make us smile. We've played it a dozen times, but every new time feels so fresh and fun. She is truly the awesomest wife.

We named our imaginary homestead "Bad Decisions Farm", because, inevitably, we'll have so much fun playing that we'll stay up way WAY late, until we realize it's past midnight, and time to do the Wordle!

Now, as veterans, we know exactly what we're doing. I get up, hit the mines, fight the monsters, do the stuff that allows Jessi to improve the farm. Jessi, somehow taking up similar reins even in a videogame, is the one that makes alllllllll the money, laying out our farm in an efficient and beautiful fashion. Right now, we're growing strawberries and potatoes, because it's spring! We're also raising pigs to sniff out truffles, and that's exciting!

I am also reading like a MANIAC, currently in the middle of Palm Beach (Mary Adkins), A Darker Shade Of Magic (V. E. Schwab), and I'm in between books 2 and 3 of the Darth Bane trilogy (Drew Karpyshyn).

I am proud of my friends and proud of my family, and I look forward to better days to come. Summer has its own comforts and challenges, but I survived the last one, and I'll survive this one!

They dug out the Duplos and are just going wild!

Dread

 I'm going through some bad days. I'm not only stressed, but I'm unhappy. I know this isn't normal for me, so I'm worried.

I just dread almost every day, because I know most days are going to bring more than I can handle and no time to recover.

And I can't point out what makes me unhappy. It's just a lot that's on me. 2021, I made a New Year's Resolution that this would be the year I'd stop thinking about my teeth everyday. Two years later, I still have to go into the dentist at least every month because things aren't right and don't feel right. My kids fight, and no matter how much attention or patience I seem to will up, they just keep fighting, and all I'm left with is a sense of being drained and dreading every moment spent with them.

I'm unhappy, though, there's no doubt there. When I'm happy, oh!, it's just glorious. I make birdhouses, I send postcards, I go out of my way to make people feel better. I shine when I'm happy!

And I don't know what I need. I want less time with the kids, but even when I'm given time off, it feels like it all comes back up as soon as I'm with them again.

I think it's a result of stress keeping me exhausted. When I'm exhausted, I don't want to plan fun things, I just want to be left alone and relax. I don't want to feel like I'm spending my time just struggling by, but these days are so hard. This past week has been particularly rough. No real reason why.

I'm grateful that Jessi makes my days always begin and end with joy, that I have neighbors I can lean on, and friends who check in on me and genuinely care about me. My current everything is really being helped by what I've been building up all these years, and I'm very proud of me.