Dad Fashion: morning fitness!

     Just before my awesome and beautiful wife went back to work, I had a check-up with my doctor.  I told him about my life, we commiserated over all the parts to clean with the Dr. Brown brand bottles, and he had some bloodwork done.  I had some high cholesterol, so he told me to take fish oil three times a day, and asked me what exercise I was doing.  With much pride, I told him that this year, I had been successful in doing 50 push-ups a day, and was in the middle of increasing that number.

     He gave me his best unimpressed doctor face, and said, "Well, that's great, but it doesn't matter to me what strength training you're doing.  What cardio are you doing daily?"  So, I tried to tell him that we went on walks sometimes, but I was just doing my best to embellish my true answer, "Nothing."  I knew that I was going to have a hard time finding exercise to do when I spend almost all day with a baby on my chest.  I chose push-ups for two reasons: One, they're fast to crank out when you set the kiddo down and easy to make harder, and Two, I know I'm no thin mint.  The idea was, if I can get my upper torso all buff and muscly, it'll be easier to overlook my gelatinous belly.

     So, I've decided to share with you my tips for stay-at-home diet and fitness!  2 exercises and 2 meals for each of the three standard parts of the day, presented by me and my Star Fox pals!

Let's start with the morning!

Morning exercises:
     As a parent, there's nothing I want more than to give my child a good life.  I want to model for him what it means to be fit, to be strong, and to be disciplined.  Also, it wouldn't hurt if I just so happened to look like a stud muffin for his mom.  So, I've come up a few exercises that can be done without any other equipment other than a baby for the morning, to get you up and running for the day!


Exercise #1: Do a barrel roll!

     Nothing's more fun for a baby than seeing his awesome dad's awesome face and flying through the sky.  You roll back, and kick your legs up, holding the kiddo the same distance from your face the whole time.

     Not feeling like you're working out your arms enough?  Use your older brother!
Want to feel the Star Fox 64 immersion?  Train a hare to tell you what to do!
Don't have a baby?  A watermelon or medicine ball will do!  Or nothing!


Exercise #2:  What a lunge!

     Lunges.  You see them, you're like, "Oh, that seems easy."  Then you see how useful they are in a workout, and you're like, "Oh, count me in!"  Then you do it for a few minutes, and you're like, "Oh, okay, I'm done now."  Lunges are good for you.  Do them with a baby.

Breakfast!
     If you're a full-time parent of a newborn, or are allergic to spoons, you have an innate problem with any food that may be less-than solid.  I can't rely on my kiddo's naps.  He sort of has them when he has them, and so, very often, I find myself hungry, but with a DanPar strapped to my chest.
SO.  Healthy food that's easy to prepare!


Meal #1:  Protein au lait

     What better way to start your day than with a freshly brewed cup of coffee with as much protein as five eggs?  Just before we found out that we were expecting a DanPar, Jessi and I were on this diet that was all about high protein, low fat, and low carbs.  It was tough, but it sure worked.  We're off it, but a few staples still exist here and there.  This is one of them.

     Here's what you do:

1. Pour yourself a cup of coffee.  How much?  I don't know...however much you feel like drinking!

2. Mix in a scoop of protein powder.  I prefer the chocolate for coffee, but the vanilla's pretty versatile. 

3. Add milk so that you can actually call it "au lait".  This part's optional, but hey, I like milk.

I've been known to add fiber powder and cinnamon to my powder mix, because I'm awesome.


Meal #2:  Stay-at-homelette

     So, I'm sure you're wondering two things.  1, "How can I cook eggs easily with a kid?" and 2, "How do I pronounce this thing you're telling me to cook?"
     The answer to #1?  Microwave.  Find a bowl with a large flat bottom, put some beaten eggs in it, and microwave it 30 seconds at a time.  The answer to #2?  No idea.  Say what feels right.

     Here's what you do:

1. Oil your plate.  Seriously.  Stuck eggs suck to clean up.

2. Put some eggs in, beat them, (or buy liquid eggs,) and add salt, pepper, chili powder, etc.  You should have eggs  about half a centimeter deep in there.

3. Microwave it for 30 seconds.  Stir.  Do it again.  And again.  And then stop when they look edible-ish.

4. Add cheese, ham, spinach, or whatever's been taking up too much space in your fridge.

5. Fold it as best as you can.  It won't be pretty.  But no one can judge you.

Of course, you can add ketchup or salsa or sour cream on top, but be careful!  More than once, my wife has picked dried tomato sauce off DanPar's head.

See that kid?  That's a kid who knows the value of balancing exercise and naps.

The Curtain Story (finally!)

 This morning, we woke up to take care of our little dude, proud that he had slept a full night, from 8:00 to 6:00.  He was a little hungry, however, so he ate too much, and spit up all over everything, from the sheets to his clothes to his parents.  So, despite it being a Sunday morning, we're wide awake!  Thanks, buddy!  But it reminded be of another time that I had to wake up to his mess.  So hey, why not write the long-awaited curtain story?

     DanPar was about a month old.  My dear wife was spending as much time with the kiddo as she could before she returned to her job, engineering stuff.  LITTLE DID SHE KNOW THAT WOULD BE HER FINAL MISTAKE.

Before

     We discovered something this early early morning of January 2015.  When babies go number 2, they don’t necessarily do it all in one fell poop.  (lololololololol)  And so, as my wife was in the middle of changing my son’s dirty diaper...well...

     Let’s go back to the nice, cozy bed, where our hero, Dadmaster, is still sound asleep.  That is, until he hears the beckoning of his wife from the other room, in a long, strained tone:
"Huuuuuuuuuuuuuun???"

     I stirred on this lovely morning, dreaming of sugarplums, and decided that after the third time my wife repeated this call to arms, I should probably get up to see what was the matter.

     I entered the room, but it wasn’t so much a room, as it was a shrine to the horrors of parenting.  Our newborn child was on the changing table, and he seemed quite at peace.  However, just beyond his “business end”, things were...drippy.

     Somehow, our child, little DanPar, had managed to project his, er, gooey projectile goo with incredible distance and range, and hit:

-the waterproof changing pad that people said we'd never need (ha!)

-the wall we had just freshly painted for DanPar

-the bag we used to hold extra diapers

-the espresso wood changing table that was looking so nice with the rest of the room

-the heating vent on the ground (remember, this was January)

-a small spot on the carpet

-our patterned green blackout curtains, not looking quite as green as I remembered them

  It was not a pretty sight.

The collateral damage.

     As well as taking fecal violence upon the items in the room, there was some friendly fire.  Both DanPar and his poor mother, my poor wife, had been subject to the poo-splosion.

     After a small snapshot of time where I was stricken motionless from the grisly scene, we jumped into action.  Whether he was quite done or not, we tossed the kid into a fresh diaper, and set him in his crib.  (He actually seemed quite calm about the mayhem he had just wrought.)  We took down the curtains and pad and bunched them securely together, tossing them into the washing machine within minutes of the incident.  With a damp towel, we dabbed the carpet clean, scrubbed the table, and industriously cleaned out the heating vent.  The last thing I wanted was my boy’s room smelling like baked poo (not that he didn’t deserve it).

     The last thing we did was take care of my poor wife, who had been one of the primary targets of DanPar’s barrage.  As she washed up, I told her how surprised I was that she didn't spout out a long flow of curses upon being splattered.  She looked at me with a wide-eyed expression, an expression that explained to me that she used pretty much every four-letter word in the book, and may have possibly created some newer, more awful ones in the heat of the moment.  Apparently I can sleep through shouts of terror, but I'm susceptible to, "Huuuuuuuuuuuuuun???"

     In the first few months of parenting, you learn a lot.  This one’s going out to Jenny, my friend who just got all sorts of pregnant, my brother and his wife (also a Jessica), and my stepsister Amy and her husband, who just found out they’re having a boy yesterday (yay!).

Here’s what we learned:

3) Babies don’t care how hard you worked painting their room and putting up special curtains to block the light.

2) If you have a solely breastfed baby, you have some time to learn how to deal with poo, because it’s water soluble and washes very easily.  Also, it doesn’t smell bad yet.  Smells like old oatmeal that’s been out a couple days.

And most importantly:

1) It doesn’t matter if you felt your baby drop a load.  WAIT FIVE MINUTES BEFORE CHANGING THEM.

The author's dramatic interpretation of the scene.

Bibliotecas, Bookstores, Burgers, and Bakeries

Usually when I'm writing, I'm at home.  At home, I've got this one desktop computer named Ivan.  I went through and built it piece by piece, so he's quite the monster.  My awesome bro, Bucky, just installed a solid state drive in this beast, half because I wanted it, half because he seems to get a weird amount of pleasure in upgrading computer hardware.  Ivan, in short, is the computer that competes with my son for both my love and my attention.

Ivan is short for Ivanzypher.  Love this machine.  Darn heavy to take with me everywhere, through.

But as fun as it would be to stay at home day in and day out, sometimes I find myself wanting to actually be somewhere else.  So, because the laptop I had for college is all out of whack, I have to use Cooper.  Cooper is my wife’s old lappy; the kind that when you dust it off, you think, “Oh hey, I wonder if this old thing has Space Cadet pinball?”  And yes.  Yes it does.

Now let's talk about the places that DanPar, Cooper, and I like to go.  There are four places in particular that we go to get some serious blogging done!

Location #1: Our local library!

The atmosphere is all sorts of: hushed, family-friendly and studious.
It's a good place if you really need to crank out a blog post.  (Yes, because some people "need" to blog.)  Plus, Arapahoe libraries are really nice, and there's even a nice water feature on a wall here.

Ooh, check it out, there's free: books and music!
It's a great place to take a stroll through and look at all the "how should I actually be parenting?" books, ignore most of them, and grab some ideas that you think would work well.  And you can nab some easy listening music, check it out right there, and listen to it while you work!  This is good for me, because YouTube doesn't work on Cooper.  (He's an old laptop, give him a break.)

Nice, they've got a: dedicated family restroom!
Just because you're out and about doesn't mean DanPar's biological processes are gonna take a break.  And it's hard when you're tucked away in a small corner of the men's room, with dudes coming in, listening to your musical rendition of "Who's a poopy little baby?"  Having a full room reserved for parents and their stinky children benefits everyone.

Here's how it usually goes down:
The library I go to is within walking distance.  You'd be surprised how close your nearest library is.  It's a wonderful way to stretch out those legs and start the day!  I feed him there, he conks out, and I check out all comic books that I have on hold.  Usually I get through two of them before I remember that I actually have other errands to run.

DanPar loves to blog blog blog!

Location #2: Barnes & Noble!

The atmosphere is all sorts of: calm, spacious, and thought-provoking.
Even just walking to the cafe area with outlets and tables takes you past board games, travel books, and comics.

Ooh, check it out, there's free: WiFi!
You don't need a receipt, and honestly, you don't even need to be inside the building!  But you should at least wander the shelves a little bit.  C'mon, you know as well as I do that everyone has a bunch of gift cards there!

Nice, they've got a: huge variety of contemporary books!
Barnes and Noble has all the stuff that kids these days are into.  From paranormal teen romance to Minecraft crafting guides, if you want insight into what today's culture digs, B&N's already done all the footwork for you.

Here's how it usually goes down:
Digging through our coupons, I'll come across our personal stash of B&N gift cards, and think, "Oh, man, maybe I'll buy a book today!  Awesome!"  I never do.  I'm even a pretty avid reader, there's just not many books worth owning.  So, I'll end up at the cafe, hammering away on Cooper.

It's not just me, right?  Everyone's got these lying around, right?

Location #3: Five Guys!

The atmosphere is all sorts of: active, fun, and fast-paced.
Believe it or not, Five Guys is a great place to get some writing done.  One big part of this is that it doesn't offer any Internet.  Even on Cooper, I'd find some way to distract myself.  So, when you know what you need to write, and you want it to be uplifting and entertaining, go to a place like this.  The staff's fast and friendly attitude is contagious.  (Also, burgers.)

Ooh, check it out, there's free: peanuts!?  Score!
Before you even reach the line to order your food, you're confronted with scores of boxes brimming with peanuts.  Free refills on soda is one thing, but for peanuts, something that actually has some legit nutrition to it?!  I'm in.  Thankfully, they're in their shells, so you have to take your time stuffing your face.

Nice, they've got a: Coca-Cola Freestyle machine!
I've decided that there's absolutely no food in the world that I wouldn't add either vanilla or basil to, given the chance.  These huge honking machines might not have basil flavor, but luckily, Basil Sprite rarely sounds like a good idea!  I even add fake vanilla to sodas I have at home.  IT'S SO GOOD.

Here's how it usually goes down:
I still haven't had the chance to mention the biggest plus to being here.  Check it.  I'm gonna go on the record saying that Five Guys Burgers and Fries makes the best burgers on the planet.  I'm making my opinion clear because their food is the only one that has made me so unnecessarily paranoid about losing it.  The first time I went there, I thought I overdid it on the free toppings.  There were about two salads’ worth of vegetables, mushrooms, and sauces on my burger.  But when I took that first bite, I was dumbstruck.  It was cooked so perfectly.  It was an amazing flavor.  The only thing was, I was out of peanuts.  I was in college, and I was at a place with free peanuts.  However, I was afraid to leave my burger for ONE MINUTE, because I was afraid someone would take it.  Not someone who worked there, who decided to bus my table prematurely, but I was afraid that some random person would see my half-eaten hamburger, walk into the restaurant, and steal it for themselves.  Now THAT is a burger to contend with.

And check it out!  The lady loved my Nintendo shirt, and gave me an extra patty because we talked about it!  Woohoo!

Location #4: Panera Bread!

The atmosphere is all sorts of: mellow, chatty, and bright.
Are you a morning person?  If not, do you want to feel like one?  Here's your place for you.  I've spent hours here before, and the crowd always seems the same (in a good way!).  A couple of friends are meeting up over some sandwiches to shoot the wind, some well-dressed individuals are just here for a meal alone, but they're not rushed, so they aren't giving off a "I'm above all of you peons" vibe.  A sizable family's around, wrangling their kids around a big table.  And in one corner of the store, there's the people who are there by themselves, just drinking coffee for hours on end.  (That's me!)

Ooh, check it out, there's free: refills on legit coffee!
Coffee costs about 2 bucks at the Panera Bread near my house.  But you've got your choice of dark roast, light roast, hazelnut, and decaf!  With half-and-half or skim milk!  And there's even a fine selection of teas!  I feel a little bad just getting coffee here, so sometimes I get something else...but only when I've got enough points on my rewards card to make that free, as well.

Nice, they've got a: great place to sit and write!
At Panera Bread, there's always a snug little corner of the store for people who need a little table and an outlet.  (Cooper's battery life is about 20 minutes.)  It's next to a window, and you can just feel the thoughts flow!  I think their hope is that one of us coffee-guzzlers will write the next great American novel, and out of sheer gratitude, donate all the proceeds to Panera for being so accommodating!

Here's how it usually goes down:
Coffee's cheap.  At our house, we make it in a French press, because the coffee tastes nice, and it makes just enough for Jessi and me.  But some mornings, you wake up and just KNOW you're going to need more.  That's when I pack up Cooper and DanPar and make my way to Panera.  Usually I don't have a blog idea when I get there, but while I'm there, I think "Hey, I should write about all the places I go to blog!" or some other ridiculous idea like that, and get started.  On average, I probably spend about three hours there, just drinking hazelnut coffee with milk and honey.  Much like the burger at Five Guys, I am wary of leaving my coffee cup there, lest an overzealous employee bus it before I've had my 8th cup.  (I hide it behind my computer.  I am that certain that no one will steal this old thing.)  When I leave, I'm all sorts of jittery, but I feel good enough to take a decaf for the road.

Where's the coffee cup, busboy?  Probably nowhere.  Please bus another table.

Cups of Coffee: 4/14/15

     I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "What, another one of these mini posts?  What a cop-out!"  And I am offended by that.  Not because it isn't true, but because you're totally missing out on the obvious opportunity to call it a "cup-out".  So there.


Cup of coffee #7:  Mother's Day
A few nights ago, Jessi reminded me, "Hey, don't forget that Mother's Day is May 10."  And so I thanked her, and started thinking of things we could do for our mothers.  Last year, Mother's Day was when we announced the pregnancy to our family.  So, my brain started thinking about things we could do for our moms.

Mother's Day, 2014.  The redhead squad!

What I failed to realize, even as I was considering last year, was that my wife is now a mom.  I don't remember exactly how Jessi managed to get that into my head without saying it outright, but I'm sure it was the verbal equivalent of hitting me with a neon sign.  Whaaaaaaaaat?!  How did that happen?

Cup of coffee #8:  Boffer swords!

So, just to prove that my life has not ended since having kids, let me express my excitement towards something slightly summer-related.  POOL NOODLES ARE ONLY A BUCK AT THE DOLLAR STORE!!!  This is a very exciting time, and I've been waiting for it since last year!  I am so excited, because the two best forms of exercise are obstacle courses, and beating other people / getting beaten with foam swords made with pool noodles, PVC pipe, and duct tape.

The supplies cost about $2.50!  Woo!

The cheap noodles are thin, so they pack a punch!

I plan on having a family tournament, following basic rules of this sort of thing.  Someone hits your arm, tuck it behind your back.  Someone hits your leg, hop on one leg, someone hots your torso, you're out, and no one hits the face.

Someday, DanPar, you shall wield your father's blade.

Cup of coffee #9:  My own little ad

But seriously.  I used to have a huge problem with getting those red bumps from shaving.  I had a pre-shave scrub, a special no-irritation shave gel, and a powerful aftershave.  Still got the bumps.  As it turns, out, I just wasn't using the right razor.  You could keep living your life with the assumption that the more blades the better, but it's not true.  One blade.  It takes a day to learn the perfect angle, it makes you feel like a stud, and as for the blades, well, I accidentally bought enough blades for two years, for 10 dollars.  And that was buying the best brand I knew about.

DanPar doesn't like his "4 month" picture sticker!

Happy 4 months old, DanPar!

Stay-at-home dude

Dudes being dudes.

Today, we went out for a walk.  At the library, I accidentally found myself at baby storytime, and I have to say, it was pretty awesome!  Sing-alongs were sung along to, stories were read, pictures were shown, and small rattles were stuffed up DanPar's sleeves so he could shake them, because he doesn't exactly hold stuff yet.

The experience at the library was so nice, I decided to continue my walk, and go a bit further to the grocery store!

...where some guy said to me, "So, you're on dad duty today, huh?"

And it didn't so much make me mad as it did make me struggle for stuff to say.  The other guy obviously was expecting some response such as:
"Yeah, the wife's doing yoga or some crap like that, so the little runtling is mine today."
or
"Don't remind me.  Did you know babies poo right in their pants?  Good thing the lady folk do the laundry!"
or
"Grrarr!  Me man!  Man no like childs!  Childs be woman spawn!"

The fact is, it put me in a weird situation.

A few months ago, I went out to trade in some used books, and I had my little runtling strapped to my chest.  Some guy (a different one) declared, "Ha!  Looks like you're Mr. Mom!"  This was soon after Jessi started going back to work, and so I was naive enough to try and graciously correct him, like he was mistaken: "Actually, I'm Mr. Mom every day." He just laughed, like I had made one of the suggested man-responses above.

Jessi and I are in the situation where the gender roles are obviously reversed, but if you comment on it, we could retort, "Well, what's so weird about that?" and make you self-conscious for considering gender as a factor.  For the record, however, I know the roles are reversed, and it's AWESOME.  I'm currently blogging at home while the kiddo is napping and the washing machine is running, and she is having a barbecue at her engineering firm to celebrate opening day for the Colorado Rockies.  Life's great.

I think what I'm trying to say is that it's okay to take notice that most stay-at-home parents are female, but when you vocally apply that to me, and make some statement that just naturally assumes that what I'm doing is something that I would only do under very rare circumstances, I can feel gender equality shudder from the blow.  We shouldn't make any loud assumptions about someone because of their demographics.

Yes, I am a man.  And here's what being manly means to me.  It means being deliberate.  Being solid.  Striving to be stronger in body and mind and moral integrity.  Biologically, it means having to deal with facial hair.  It means being handy, even if you have little at hand.
But here's the beauty of modern society: We all get to choose what our gender means to us.
It's incredible!  We're free!  You don't have to subscribe to anyone else's definition!  If you think being a man means being competitive and not consuming anything diet or low-fat, great!  That's up to you!  Heck, we're raising a generation that will feel more free to be whatever gender they prefer!  It's delightful!  Life is a cornucopia of rainbows of our own design, and my rainbow happens to include babies, blogging, Batman, books, and bideogames!  And I've never been happier.

That's all for now.  I just wanted to get my opinion out there.  It's okay to not comment on the fact that a person with a baby is a man.  It's much better to comment on the fact that babies are ADORABLE.

Speaking of which, because I feel the need to include a couple pictures in every post, here is DanPar with his aunt Brittany's red hair as a toupee!

Giving things to new parents, Part 2

     Another post on the neverending question, "What can I get these guys that they'll actually like?"  I've got some "do"s, and twice as many "don't"s!  Let's jump right in!

Books

It's a pretty good idea to:

• Research what is a good, widely trusted general advice book.  We've got two right now: The Baby Owner's Manual and SuperBaby.  The first one is very good for just looking up stuff like "How hot should the bath be?" or "What's the best way to burp this guy?"  The latter is good for extra credit; getting some extra mental development in there.
• Think back to what book you liked when you were a kid.  Dig it out of your mom's basement or find it somewhere, sign it something like, "Hey DanPar, I loved to read this book whenever I wanted to feel like a crime-fighting cybernetic cat!  I hope you enjoy it!  Always here for you, -Red Hat Guy"

Oh hey, make sure you don't:

• Don't just print out stuff you found online.  No really, this happens to people.  Trust me, I was an elementary teacher.  I know you can find the full version of The Lorax.  If you must, then at least put the pages in a nice binder.  I've seen too many stapled papers on kids' bookshelves.
• Don't buy them some random book you found on parenting.  Lots of them are incredibly outdated, which can be pretty bad.  Lots of them are quite esoteric, and only talk about one specific subject.

But seriously, don't you dare:

• Don't just link them to my blog and consider that a gift.  I know, it's a delightful blog.  But if they're a new parent, they have probably already read my blog five times over.
• Don't try to indoctrinate your new parents or their kids.  Religion, politics, conspiracy theories, the things "they" don't want you to know about parenthood...it all puts way too much pressure on how you want the parent to raise their kid.  No manifestos, please.

Coming home

It's a pretty good idea to:

• Lightly decorate their house for when they return.  Sometimes new parents feel like no one realizes how incredibly life-changeingly their life just changed.  A stroller sign saying "Baby [gender] yay!" will do just fine, or a vase of flowers.  Nothing that takes too much work to take care of and eventually dispose of.
• Feed them.  My goodness, it was so nice knowing that we had some slow cooker meals in the fridge.  Or frozen pizza.  Or even just a sack of assorted cookies.  We love cooking, but with a BRAND SPANKING NEW baby (don't spank your newborn, folks), doing anything was draining.
• Offer to clean their house.  Like I said, everything is draining.  Just wiping down their counters will make you their best friend.  And it's cheap, and you can do it without knowing a thing about babies.  (I am assuming my reader knows a thing about cleaning.)
• Give them a chance to sleep.  Kids are hard work.  Newborns want to be held.  They want to be held so badly, one of the first things the nurses teach new parents is how to burrito their baby up.  If you can be that baby burrito's tortilla for just a few hours while the exhausted parents take a nap, you have just given them something priceless, for free.

Oh hey, make sure you don't:

• Don't call or text constantly for updates on the baby.  Sometimes we want to talk about the baby.  Sometimes it's the last thing we want to talk about.  So, instead of texting things that require a response, make comments or observations that let the parent decide if they want to keep talking.
• Instead of, "Is his hair coming in?", say, "What a cutie!  I bet he'll have his dad's hair!"
• Instead of, "How is he sleeping?", say, "What a cutie!  I hope he's a deep sleeper!"
• Instead of, "Why haven't you posted a picture to your aunt's Facebook wall wearing his sweater?", say, "What a cutie!"
• Don't over-decorate.  It's wonderful to come home to a house that proclaims, "WE HAVE A NEWBORN CHILD AND HE IS ADORABLE," but if you aren't going to stick around to clean it all up, then it becomes a hassle.  Don't put up anything that requires a ladder or any tools to take down, or can't just be thrown away.

But seriously, don't you dare:

• Don't pester the new parents because you want to see their new little guy.  It's hard for us to go out and about in the first few days, and we don't always want you to come to us because a), our house is a mess, or b), we are a mess.
• Don't tell us our life is over.  That's just mean.  I know, you thought it was hilarious when the best man at my wedding said it, but this is a little different.  It takes a village to raise a kid, and I'd like as many villagers as I can.  You can keep inviting us out, but don't give us crap when we say no.

Expensive things

It's a pretty good idea to:

• Look on the registry.  We worked hard putting stuff on there.  Get something from the registry.  Include the receipt.

Oh hey, make sure you don't:

• Don't decide not to look on the registry.  We worked hard putting stuff on there.  That's wonderful that you have enough money to get us those shoes that cost hundreds of dollars, and will fit for half a month.  Get something from the registry.  Include the receipt.

But seriously, don't you dare:

• Don't decide not to look on the registry.  We worked hard putting stuff on there.  I don't care if you think you've found something better.  Maybe add a gift card, too, moneybags.  Get something from the registry.  Include the receipt.

More final thoughts.

     Let me put some thanks out there real quick.  Catherine, for giving me the idea.  MS Paint, for the pixelated sketches.  Jessi, for providing some necessary feedback.  DanPar, for slowly getting more blonde and less redheaded.  And of course, I owe everything on this blog to Ctrl-Z.  Without you, none of this would be possible.

     Also, if you are reading this, and you're thinking, "But Woody, I gave you something you put on the DON'T side of things!", then you are actually an exception.  I loved what you gave me.  It will be treasured forever.  I just don't think anyone could outdo the amazing advice/toy/book/thing that you gave me.  Yep.

Giving things to new parents: Part 1

     Aww, such fragile little creatures, just trying to make sense of the new world around them.  I am talking about, of course, new parents.
     Nothing can describe the feeling new parents have when they leave the hospital with their new bundle of joy.  But it's a lot of thoughts like this:

"I will not crash this car.  I will not look away.  I will not blink until we are home."
"Did you see how the nurses let us leave with this baby?  How on earth can they trust us with a living thing?"
"Should I turn on music?  Classical music, right?  But what if it wakes him up?  What if it makes him sleep too long?  What if he hears a charismatic voice advertising the joys of the new weight loss program and he imprints on that voice and forgets that we are his parents?"

Yeah.  New parents are pretty dumb.  But they've just been dumbstruck, so...give them a break.  Creating life is pretty weird stuff.  This post is one of two that goes out to the patient people who want to help out us new parents, answering the question, "What can I give my new parent?"

Advice

It's a pretty good idea to:

• Qualify any and all advice that you give your new parents.  Phrase it as, "Hey, you know what helps calms my nephew down?"  Or, "I read somewhere that ..."  Seriously.  We don't want to feel like you're better than we are.
• Give advice to your new parents before they need it.  Parents feel so great when they are able to use advice that they've learned.  We new parents need confidence-boosters!  We're awesome, gosh darn it!

Oh hey, make sure you don't:

• Don't tell them what to do.  You are not allowed to expect things from new parents.  (This is going to be a huge theme here.)
• Don't take the baby away from them to show them how it's done, unless they've asked.  It makes new parents feel a little like garbage, but worse.

But seriously, don't you dare:

• Don't tell new parents to ignore their doctor's advice.  There are enough websites out there that suggest you do crazy things.  From a blogger, let me tell you this: trust your doctor over a blogger.
• Don't even suggest that they are bad parents.  Even if you're joking.  On the no-no list we have things like:
• "Wow, you really don't know how to change him, do you?"
• "I've never pictured you as the parent type."
• "How are you, little baby?  Your parents haven't dropped you yet, have they?"

Baby clothes

It's a pretty good idea to:

• Offer up your old baby clothes.  Get them organized, and let them look through it all.  It's so nice to have friends who are willing to share stuff.  (And yes, even though your kid has peed in them a lot, they can be cleaned.)
• Ask them what clothes they need.  I'm a big guy.  I didn't expect to be bringing home a 5-pound kid.  Jessi's mom and dad got us pretty much everything he wore for the first two months of his life.  And they were fun clothes, too!  Awesome job, grandparents!

Oh hey, make sure you don't:

• Don't overload your parents with too much esoteric stuff.  An Easter outfit is sweet, but giving them three?  That's a little much.  (Note: I guess our kid was wearing his "Santa's Little Helper" suit all through January.  But keep it in mind.)
• Don't expect to see the kiddo in the clothes that you get them whenever you come over.  No one's saying the baby doesn't have the "World's best [relative]", and no one's saying the bug costume you got the kid wasn't cute.  But dressing a baby is hard work.  Let the extra mile be the extra mile.

But seriously, don't you dare:

• Don't ignore the sizes!  Baby clothes are weird, but here's your quick guide:
• P = Premature (It never hurts to have one just in case, but don't give them one outright.)
• N = Newborn (They can wear these anywhere from 1-2 months)
• 3 = 0-3 months.  Clothes tell you the general UPPER LIMIT.
• 6 = 3-6 months.  Babies start to show their own sizes and stuff after this.
• Don't treat new parents like a thrift store.  If you give us your old jeans, that won't fit the kid for years, we're gonna toss it in a box, because we'd feel too bad donating it.  Then it'll be lost, forgotten, and when robots take over, it'll be a geologic era below.

Toys and stuffed stuff

It's a pretty good idea to:

• Buy them some toys that are not just toys.  Pacifiers are enjoyed by babies and parents alike.  Teethers are nice once they start chewing on everything.  (For DanPar, that's right now.)  Toys that jingle are good to have on hand.
• Give them something that you expect to be played with.  Newborns don't do much with toys yet, but when they start, I guarantee they won't be have tea parties.  They'll chew on their toys, beat up their toys, throw them everywhere, etc.  Expect that to happen, and keep in mind: a baby's favorite toy is the beaten up one with the partially digested nose.

 

Oh hey, make sure you don't:

• Don't buy them all the toys that have all the gadgets on them.  A few are just fine, but young kids are still learning how to play and be creative.  Their imagination suffers if all the toys they have direct them how to play, e.g., press this button, let's talk, etc.
• Don't pass down an heirloom toy to a baby.  If you don't want it destroyed, don't give it to a child.  (Good advice for everything, really.)  It also puts an extra burden on the parent to be attentive that the kiddo isn't playing TOO hard.  And that sucks all around.

But seriously, don't you dare:

• Don't find the biggest teddy bear you can find.  New parents are still reeling from all the stuff we used to have and no longer have space for.  For most of us, we just lost an entire room!  And now you want us to store this stuffed monster?  Hey!
• Don't buy them all the teddy bears you can find.  You want the kid to be happy, and you want the parent to be happy.  So keep your toys and stuffed stuff special, and don't drown your new parents.  The total mass of teddy bears you give does not directly correspond to how much you love the kid.

Some final thoughts.

     So, you might say to yourself: "Hey, what kind of ingrate is this guy?  We're the ones giving new parents free stuff!"  And yeah, it's true, I have a gigantic backlog of thank-yous to hand out.  And for sure, my opinions probably don't reflect those of all parents.  Maybe other parents want their kids to sleep in the warm embrace of a huge teddy bear, like the innards of a riding tauntaun.  But in any case, I think the biggest takeaway is to keep your expectations in check.  Parents are paddling as best as we can, trying to keep our kiddos alive and developing well.

     Also, keep in mind that this is Part 1 of 2.  I should probably wait a few days to post Part 2, but I probably won't.  I had too much fun with this one.