Hiding from the boys

Breakfast is an ordeal. I can whip up a meal for the kiddos in no time, but when I'm trying to eat something for me, it's hard to find a moment's peace. So I hide.

 It's not for a long time or anything. I just want five minutes, five glorious minutes, where I am still close enough to come running in a crisis, but just out of sight, so DanPar forgets about me, and I can drink coffee on the floor.

 It's a glamorous life. But eventually DanPar does something impressive enough that he wants to show off what he can do, such as hide things in boxes, put things in his mouth, or bounce things off my head.

 It's tough, not ever getting a moment alone. Not to eat, not to go out, not to text someone without the big boy demanding my be used to watch garbage trucks, not to just zone out at the computer. I do miss videogames.

But I'm incredibly happy. Tired, yes. Stressed, oh yeah. But above all, I love my family. Joy predominates. Then exhaustion at a close second.

The Sims

Let's face it. Parenting isn't a super glamorous thing when you actually look at it. The highlight of my day is making a dad joke that is so bad it makes Jessi leave the room.

But if you know anything about parenting, you know that you quite literally and figuratively have to put up with a lot of crap. So why, Woodman, why, would you have kids?

I blame the false advertising of that classic life simulator The Sims. They make having kids seem AWESOME! And here's why.

1) The first part only lasts two weeks.

Those sleepless first few newborn months? The terrible twos? Fast-forwarded in a just one fortnight! Okay, Woody, you're thinking, aren't there times that you want to pause and enjoy forever? The answer's yes, but hey, I've got a smart phone! I've got a camera with me at all times! In just seven fourteen days, your kid goes from human paperweight to literate, potty-trained, conversational, grade-school kid! (Not to mention that recovery after pregnancy is literally instant.) BOOM. Instead, we're almost two years in with DanPar, and he still hasn't gotten a job! NOT EVEN ONE. Lazy freeloader.

Future puppet dentist?

2) Kids clean things up when you tell them to.

Here's the biggest one, right in front. In the game, you just click on a puddle, and have your kid mopit up. Or you click on the trash and boom, they'll take it out in no time! It's easy as the pie that your kid just baked because they can cook, too. But in real life, the closest DanPar has come to cooking is putting blueberries on a banana to make it look like people driving around in a car. (And then eating the occupants.)

And while yes, he will wipe things up, he usually leaves more of a mess than there was before. We got him a play cleaning set, because he loves brooms, and now he uses the mop to play field hockey with his Batman ball.

3) They have a status bar.

This is probably the most legitimate claim as a loving parent. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone in your family had a status bar that told you when they were dirty? Or sleepy? Or lonely? Or bored? Let me tell you, we just taught DanPar to say "change" when he needs a new diaper. Okay, okay, he somehow learned on his own, but I'm sure I helped. And dude, that is SO nice. With baby Crash around, it would be unfairly convenient to be able to look and quickly know exactly when he'll want to nap, or when he'll be upset and why. I'm quickly recalling the checklist I had for DanPar when he was whiny:
- Too cold / too hot?

- Dirty / wet?

- Uncomfortable? Toes or fingers stuck?

- Wants to be held? (For Crash: Always.)

- Tired?

- Just being a baby? 

Right now, Crash is curled up against my stomach (the closest thing I have to a boob), and he's content, so I feel pretty confident. but give it an hour, and I'll be caught up in guesswork once again.

Big ol' hairy pillow!

There are many many more, such as being able to save your game, so that if you mess up your kid (by withholding pineapple or snuggles of course), you can always go back and fix things. Or the fact that children are literally invincible in the game. But looking at DanPar's reckless behavior, and how he rode a wagon down the stairs a week ago, cried for one minute, kissed his own boo-boos, and went on his way, that may already be the case.

In any case, even though I may have been initially misled by The Sims, I think we are doing outstanding. I'm really really happy. (And oh, oh so tired.)

An open garage

Last winter, when it started snowing big flakes, I brought a big soft chair to the open garage, snuggled with Daniel under a heavy blanket, and read his favorite book at the time, Ten Chirpy Chicks, while the world, just one arm's length away turned white.

That was a joy I don't think I'll ever forget.

Today, I'm sitting and reading a Kindle in the open garage as leaves fall, with Christopher dozing at my feet. And it makes me smile to feel that joy again.

The Earthly Medium

When my mind is in the clouds, I think about the afterlife. And since there's really not too much we know about the idea/place/concept/thing that is life after death, I have a fun time just making my own most preferred version.

No clouds. No gates. No wings. I'm rather attached to this planet, since it's where all my favorite things are. (No offense, Big Dipper, I'm sorry that you didn't make the cut.) So I like the ideas where we are healed, and become caretakers of the world and those on it.

Now, that whole "healed" thing. By default, we tend to think about the blind seeing, the lame walking, and the terminally ill shedding our disease. But you know how so many of us struggle with mental illnesses on a scale from slight to severe? Imagine none of that. No addiction, no depression, no fires of aggression barely contained behind our decency.

And then remove the Earthly Medium. That strange veil that serves as an obstacle from us clearly seeing one another as fellow souls who all have our own struggles and burdens to bear and share.
Let's lift that veil. To hear about someone in need is the same as to feel their pain in your own heart, and want to help them as much as you would help your own brother. And in that love is work, and love is work. And in that love is joy, and love is joy. In this heavenly earth, you can feel the love of others as easily as you can inhale, and you can express that communal love for all of us as easily as you can exhale.

You breathe in, and the smiles of strangers support you in your own struggle, the words of friends come to mind, and you know you are not alone.

You breathe out, and you nod to someone who looks like they need it, you give encouragement to your friends, and you make everyone's path a little clearer.

A world where the promises of heaven have been fulfilled. We still work, we still play, we still struggle, but we know we are not alone through it all.

Here in the pre-afterlife (let's just call it life), the love for mankind is something that takes work, and lots of it, to feel it and express it. You have to decide if that strange man truly needs money or just wants to get something off his chest or is trying to swindle you. You have to decide what role money plays in your life without abandoning the society you know. You have to decide how much effort you should put into others, when you know at the end of the day that looking out for yourself is the one thing only you can do.

In life, even baking your neighbor cookies takes a path of a million decisions. But here, that's the blessed path that it takes to simply express yourself in ways above words that genuinely say, "I'm here for you."

P.S. How incredible would it be if heaven were established on our planet, and we explored the galaxy with hearts that held the greatest power of our entire human race?
P.P.S. That power? It's LOVE. And man, that's cheesy, but yeah.
P.P.P.S. Yeah, all right, so if earth becomes an afterlife, won't it be a little crowded? And can people die now? Do they just respawn back on earth if they accidentally fly into a sun?
P.P.P.P.S. Well, it's an idealistic thought. Idealism comes with the territory of being religious. And I for one enjoy the idea of an earth where I can play Dungeons and Dragons with Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Theodore Roosevelt, and my kids, all at the same table, fighting fantastical evils in a world where actual evil has been ultimately vanquished from our hearts.
P.P.P.P.P.S. And yes, vanquished by LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE.

"He's a snuggler!"

No parent could survive without putting a positive spin on just about everything their newborn does. So we like to say that he's a snuggler, which actually means that he's a snuggler, OR ELSE...

For us, the absolute hardest thing to deal with is that baby Crash is always in one of two states:

1) He is upset at the world.

2) He is being snuggled.

As far as we can tell, there is no in between. But he is still a wonderful boy. Because of DanPar, I know what this little larva can grow up to be, so I'm a lot more forgiving. He's filling out his wrinkly old man skin, too, and he's starting to look like DanPar, which is high praise! (In case you forgot, DanPar is the cutest kid ever.)

This is his version of the hand motion for Itsy Bitsy Spider's "WASHED the spider out" lyriv

Some conspiracy theorists have even dared tell me his brown hair looks a tad auburn in the sunlight. But by gum, we will NOT be the Weasleys!

One cool little dude.

The Deputy

This guy is now a responsible deputy.

It's been one month since Crash has been out in the real world, and DanPar loves his little brother. DanPar brings him a pacifier when he's crying (and tosses it at his face), DanPar rocks his swing (with all the force he can muster), and DanPar plays with him (by smacking him and laughing).

DanPar's baby brother Crash. Also sometimes his toy.

Today I spanked DanPar for hitting Crash in the face. It was the first time I'd done anything like it, and I don't feel good about it. I know I was spanked, and I think I turned out all right, but I was mad at the little guy when I did it. Just one wallop on the behind, but I don't like the idea of being mad and hitting anyone. Even when it's due punishment.

He cried, and even though I'd been the one to yank, yell, and spank, he leaned right into me for a hug. like he always does when something's wrong. I've spent so much time just me and the DanPar, it's strange to think that things have changed and our dynamic will never be the same.

DanPar joining his little brother for tummy time.

But that's okay.

Tonight we were fighting with foam letters, shouting the letter names as we threw them, and I grabbed him and we roughhoused like usual, and it struck me that someday he'll be able to pick me up, It made me happy, and also, in a weird weird contradictory way, it made me nostalgic for right now. Someday there'll be a day when I can't pick him up and flip him upside-down, with haapy shrieks and giggles filling the air. So I made a few lists.

"T!!!!"

Here's what I've already loved:
-I used to read violent comics with him before he could even start to understand.
-We would listen to podcasts and books with bad words.
-The world was new, and every walk was an adventure.
-He would sleep whenever we were in the car.
-DanPar was always the littlest one at storytime.

With one turn of the nozzle, I could teach this kid how harsh THE REAL WORLD IS.

I'm going to enjoy this now:
-Paper airplanes bewilder and delight him.
-I accidentally teach him phrases like "Tebow time".
-He will mimic animal sounds and amplify them tenfold.
-Whatever he does, whether it's beg for pineapple or play with chalk, his whole heart is in it.
-Watching the garbage truck rumble by is a highlight.
-DanPar remarks on his little brother, even pointing out "Yellow poop!"

He really wanted more pineapple.

But I can't wait until:
-We can play Chutes and Ladders, and eventually Dungeons and Dragons.
-I can help him with homework and science projects and read together.
-I can teach him to give handshakes and say thanks.
-He can give me a handshake and tell me thanks.
(tearing up, hold on)
-I can tease him in front of his friends by bringing out the baby pictures.
-He can carry me, wrestle me, and we can fight with foam swords.
-He can recommend a book to me, and email me news articles.
-He can make a Fantasy Football team with semi-educated decisions (like his old man!).
-We can drink coffee together in the morning and beer together in the evening.
-We can tell each other that we love each other.

I've heard that childhood memories seem like bigger deals because when you're young and you attend 2nd grade, that's one eighth of your entire life! But one year at my age isn't even one twenty-fifth. But I fully intend to make every year, every day, matter with this little guy. He's been my world for the entire time we've spent together on this earth. And now he's got to be one of the big boys in our family, and he's only 1.

And he's the greatest 1 year-old ever.

The Justice League!

Crash has to eat. He has to eat every three hours. And his appetite has no regard for what time of day it is. Luckily, neither does Netflix.

So, I've been watching The Justice League. So let's all just say this has a lot to do with being a dad, and get going. Because honestly, it's what I want to talk about. So let's talk about our favorite DC hero team!

Wings? Check. Mace? Check. Cool. Let's smash things.

Hawkgirl
When all you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. She's strong, she flies, she whacks things with a freaking MACE. Half of her lines are RAHGGGHHH, and you know what? Her character is spot on. Like a young Superman, before he was charismatic. If she talks to the people she saves, it's either a reprimand to be more careful, or advice on where to hide right now. Just problems to solve, and if they're big problems, like videogame bosses, all it takes is more hits.
Badass moment:
She is a fighter. So when she's sent to Themyscira to find information, here's how it works. She tries to sneak in. She's not sneaky, she hits things with a mace. So they find her. Then she tries to talk to them. She's not eloquent, she hits things with a mace. So they attack her, and she simply says, "All right. They won't listen to reason." And she opens up a nice can of whoop-ass on these fellow good guys, simply because hey, that's how she does.

Don't worry, folks. She gets caught. Amazons are not blind.

Superman is strong.

Superman
This isn't the Superman that they need to create different universes to defeat, like the one in the comics. He can be knocked out by powerful shock, being smashed, or in one episode, a manufactured disease. He's still weak to Kryptonite, but his true weakness is that everyone knows about him. He has a lineup of villains that follow him to his adoptive planet Earth, and nearly every villain creates a plan that involves a specific way to take him out of the fight. He is still overpowered, but it's balanced by his public figure.
But sometimes Superman loses his cool. This is when he loses his predictability, and things get messy. Darkseid (bad guy): "Time and again, I've beaten you, humbled you. What makes you think today's outcome will be any different?" Superman (good guy): "Because this time, I'm not going to stop until you're just a greasy smear on my fist."
Badass moment:

In a time travel episode, they go back to WW2, and while they're evacuating the allies, a massive fleet of Nazi fighter planes fly in, and Superman says, "All bets are off." Dude. Gets. MAD. And he proceeds to just rain lasers and mayhem upon them. Right off the bat, he simply flies through the propeller of one, and it shreds it. It was probably the best scene I've ever seen, movie, show, comic, anywhere, of Superman truly fighting. And I think it's because this is exactly what he was made for, right? I'd buy war bonds after watching that!

Nazis vs lasers. Place your bets!

In brightest day, in blackest night...

Green Lantern
Jon Stewart was the first Green Lantern I knew, and so he's probably my favorite. He has the demeanor of a man who is no stranger to duty. He protected his country as a member of the US Marines, he protects the earth as a member of the Justice League, and he protects the galaxy as  a member of the Green Lantern Corps. Nothing stops him from doing the right thing. And if he's having trouble, the first thing a soldier like him knows to do is to tell those fighting alongside him. He's not here to show off. He's here to protect...well, everything.
Badass moment:
At one point, Stewart is convicted of accidentally destroying a planet. Even though it wasn't his fault, he freely surrenders himself, and stands trial. And when he is condemned to capital punishment, he never sinks his head, never skips a step. He accepts his place as just a small piece of something bigger, and never hesitates to submit himself to the law, even if he disagrees with it.

Oh, and Flash got dragged into it, too.

Who wouldn't use their superpowers to land endorsement deals?

Flash
I liked him as a kid, I like him now. His powers vary depending on what is needed. Sometimes he can run fast enough to create a whirlwind, or even rip some time-space. And sometimes he's just not quite fast enough to outrun a bad guy throwing a rock. But no matter what, he's got a great screen presence. If he's in the scene, you know he's going to get a smile and chuckle out of you.
Badass moment:
Flash is the Spider-Man type who keeps his head on by finding humor in every situation. When faced with a room full of bad guys with guns, he zips through, grabs every single weapon, and says, "Hey, can you hold these?" and dumps the pile into one bad guys arms, before shouting, "Sucker!" and clocking him in the face.

Unnecessary, but it's why I love the guy!

Angry Martian disapproves of your Internet history.

J'onn
In short, J'onn is the one you need to fear. Being a telepath, you cannot hide anything from him. Being a shapeshifter, you never know who is actually next to you. Being able to go through walls, you won't be able to seal yourself away from him. And being really strong and able to fly...yeah. Don't make enemies with this guy. He's emotionally distant after the loss of all other martians, and personally, I think he does better as the league coordinator, teacher, and guardian in Justice League Unlimited. But he's still awesome here.
Badass moment:
So, since J'onn doesn't really do dramatic stuff, his badass moment is a thoughtful point when he's talking to Hawkgirl. "I was just thinking. You, me, Wonder Woman, Superman - we are all of us orphans and exiles." Like I said, I like him better as a leader than a fighter.

I really think this is the only time J'onn smiles and he isn't in some weird delusion.

Classic.

Batman
After every Justice League episode that involves Batman, one feeling you always take away is how this rich normal dude dresses up like a bat, and somehow still holds his own alongside these superheroes. It's no secret that he's one of my favorite superheroes of all time. And in Justice League, I think it's his best character.
Badass moment:
Really, every moment is a badass moment with Batman, but when he truly flexes his one distinguishing superpower is at the crux of a battle with Lex Luthor, when Lex's righthand man turns on him, neutralizes the bad guys, and surrenders immediately.
As the turncoat is walked out by the police, he turns to Batman and asks, "You'll keep our bargain?" And Batman just responds, "Yes. Double what Luthor was paying."

I prefer a Batman who smirks.

Most other heroes with her strength block attacks by just letting it hit them.

Wonder Woman
I read some recent issues of WW, and what annoyed me was that everyone had the same personality. Serious, calm only on the surface, but willing to crack puns. (Seriously, EVERYONE told puns.) In Justice League, her persona is the same, but luckily, she is supported by a strong cast of characters. Beginning the show, she has just arrived from Themiscyra, and finds all the customs a little foreign. I'd really like to see more involved development of her character, but the writers seem too shy to move away from the naive archetype. But character aside, is she good? Yes. Can she fight? Yes. Is she written in a way that her feelings are one of her biggest weaknesses? No. (Thank goodness. This happens all the time in comics, y'all.)
Badass moment:
Guys, women in comics are too often underdeveloped. For Hawkgirl, she's got a simple personality. Hit things with mace. For Wonder Woman, though, she is shortchanged of much of anything. She's the perfect team player, and doesn't do things on her own. She is being improved, thought. She was given a sword alongside her lasso recently, but in this show, you can tell there isn't much there yet. But one moment I like is when a douche on TV says, "I've seen showgirls with more modesty than her!" Wonder Woman responds with a frown, and, well, punches the screen with superhuman strength.

That costume is what you get for being a female superhero from 1941.

I suppose this post came a little more timely than I meant it to, because the Justice League movie is just around the bend! But I just wanted to write this because, well, I like writing about things I like. So there.

Also, I have two kids now, and it's weird being undeniably an adult, when all I want to do is discuss how the heroes changed between Justice League and the sequel series, Justice League Unlimited.

The new guy.

He's just so little! He's just a potato of a boy!

But he's a champ. We haven't been able to spend too much time with him, since he's been under a broiler in the NICU (pronounced "nick-you"). He just needs fat. He's not as well insulated (like his dad), so they've got to keep his temperature up and if he doesn't eat, stick a tube down there and make it happen.

Everything is good, though! He hasn't needed the tube for a couple days, and the hardest part of feeding (for all of us) is that if he's held too close, he'll nod off. So snuggling has to wait until he's done with his milk!

We were able to get a few more days at the hospital, even after being discharged, and so our stay was lengthened!
But I won't lie, cabin fever has got me good. We organized our little room as much as possible, but we're still stuck here. And my back still hurts from the first two nights on a super crappy couch-bed meant for someone half my height and half my weight.
We should be heading back home for a short while today, but it'll be mostly to grab more clean clothes and tidy up the place so we'll be ready for the new guy.

He's all skin and bones and wires right now, but having been through this before, we can see him as part of our little family already. DanPar was new and scary. Crash is new, but we've seen what a kid can be. And DanPar is the sweetest boy ever.
I hope he's gonna be a good brother.

Deputy DanPar has met little Crash twice now, and he's excited. Excited to point out his nose and old man fingers and nee-moots (nipples) and kiss his head. We'll see if he's still excited when we bring the tyke home!

But this is MY blog, so I'm gonna write diverging about ME.

The hospital where we stayed last time had soft pretzels, and that was awesome. This place has good breakfast burritos. I can't stop thinking about the ending of Y: The Last Man, and of course I can't, it's incredible. Eggs should be part of every meal, because protein. If I really think about it, yeah, toilet paper softness matters to me. How much is it to ask that they have a darn Pokéstop here at the hospital? I'm all out of pokéballs!

And just like that.

He's here.
:)

A very healthy freak out

So, I'm not as worried anymore. Nothing's objectively too much better, but Jessi isn't in as much pain anymore.

(Yay drugs!)

Just talking it through with friends made it better. The night was weird, which is the most explanatory thing I could say.
I woke up a couple times to pain, which was not fun, because it wasn't mine, and I could barely do anything. I did get to rub her back, so yay.
But I was so tired. I slept longer than usual, nodding off at 9:30, waking up at 7, with a strange waking hour in the middle.

I ate breakfast! The only available bacon is turkey, but I've got a voucher, so what am I going to complain about? Besides, I had my choice of two sides, so I chose two of my favorite things!

Bagel and bagel.

Until this while ordeal is over, it's more of what I've come to know of labor and delivery. Pain, worry, anxious glances between nurses, vague mentions of vague options, and trying to be comfortable on any level, when every level is not comfortable.

All right, so apparently I'm still a little concerned. But it's out there, so there!

The original troublesome baby, waiting for Grandmom and Papa to take him home for the night. 

Send thoughts and prayers our way. And if you're reading this after Crash is born, frozen meals are also acceptable.