Moved out!

The difference between the things you pack early on vs last minute.

The first things we packed were nicely packed, well-labeled, and all belonged to one room. We wrote jokes on them! We drew pictures. It was nice.
The last box, still labeled with everything, was like "toilet seat, kitchen crap, a handful of batteries, a nice bowl, a bad bowl, and some kind of towel thing."

Anyways, we have moved out of our old house, and the boys are doing better accepting it than I am. They're taking it in stride, especially since it's the only home they'd ever had! It's crazy.

One of the last things I did before moving was break the dryer and try and fix it! I failed, but oh well! That's a problem for the new house!

Don't want to forget Echo! Better pack him up!

Their last night in the old house. They ran around their room for over an hour, exploring space, tossing all their blankets and pillows in the closet, and running around. They are such good brothers.

Same room as above, all cleared out.

The aforementioned closet spaceship.

Echo looking out of the master bedroom window. How weird.

Goodbye house!

Signing the paperwork to sell the house! Rich and homeless :)

A mite more than "just" anything.

A quick update:

• Sold the house
• Moved into my mom's basement
• Seven people living in not-our-house
• House should be done August-September

It's been one of the craziest and most stressful times of my life. Yesterday I broke down crying, and the entire time I was just saying "I don't know, I don't know," because in all honesty, I don't know why. I think it's just everything. I'm a naturally happy person, but I am unhappy. If the world around me is business as usual, I thrive. But everything is just super difficult for me.

I have a lot of bad days, and being stretched so thin, it doesn't take much to make a normal day a bad day. I feel like I've become the kind of person who's stressed so often that asking for help is my norm.

Anyways.

Whenever something brings me down, I tell myself "I just need ___." Depending on whatever brings me down, I just need a break, more sleep, a hug, solitude, a change in attitude, a way to calmly assert myself, to do something, to do nothing, all that. I think it's safe to say that I need more than just anything. I need a lot of things, and it hurts that there's no simple solution. Life just hurts right now. I can't will myself to be the person I want to be, or feel the way I want to feel. Times are hard. I think I'm managing okay, but it's just hard. It's. Just. Hard.

Let me write this down as a reminder for myself and anyone else: It's okay to not be okay. You will get through this.

I love my boys. They're a huge source of stress, perhaps the top three sources, but they are such a joy. Echo has made his decision, and I am his favorite. He'll come and find me, he'll drag a backpack over to me, and just be so happy. He wants to share every feeling he has with me, positive or negative. It's exhausting.

Crash is so sweet, and he's getting so articulate. He's coming up with his own way to play games, and while it makes it hard to do anything around him, it's wonderful that he wants to be part of whatever we're doing.

DanPar is smart, clever, and oh boy, does he have opinions. He's got a mischievous streak and a beautiful face full of freckles. He leads his brothers along on some of the craziest things I've seen, and he just thinks of everything. He's a great kid.

Dad's in trouble. Well, no. Dad's just sad. Dad's just been having a lot of bad days. I hope I can sort of get out the other side without any permanent damage. I hope I can still feel proud of myself on my good days, when they come. For now, I'm just trying to get to that other side intact.

See, now I'm tearing up again. I don't know why. It's just all weighing down on me. And crying is just so exhausting. What a dumb reason to try not to feel the emotions bubbling up. Because there's just no time for them.

I just need... so much.

Here are boys.

The big break and my big plate

The author I edit for just asked if we could collaborate on a story! Co-written, co-created, co-llaboration! She's almost done with the Navy SEALs series she's been doing, and now she just wants to write something for fun. Which is my jam!
I'm a bit worried that she's got the impression that we have very similar writing styles, but that's just because I've been editing her book, so I've been suggesting things that fit into her story!

And there we see my big problem, with my big plate! I've always got so much on it, and I have a hard time keeping things off of it. Here I am, in the last weeks of editing this book, looking forward to being done with it, and I'm already planning on what to do afterwards!

I need to figure out how to pen in some time to relax, to rest, to have an empty plate! It sucks that everything is so hectic now. I know that we've got a thousand things to do to get ready to move, but I've already got so much! I'm beat, and I'm hoping I can hang in there. Good weather is coming, which means the boys can play outside. We're all getting better from our cold, so I'll have more energy and less sick kids to deal with.

I wish I could spend more time coming up with things for my kids to do. I love doing little crafty things with them, or playing Dungeons and Dragons with the boys. But it all takes ENERGY and TIME, and I'm all out of both of those!

Right now, I'm dragging myself along to do all the things that need to be done, and so I've got nothing left for the things I want to do!

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm looking forward to having more time. My boys deserve a dad at 100%! Right now, I feel like I'm at 10%. But there are ends in sight! We'll have a house. Summer is coming. I just worry I'm going to regret not giving enough for my kids while they were young enough to be carefree.

They are wonderful boys. I'm blessed and lucky to have them.

We made these cute little snowmen a couple weeks ago! I love these boys.

The move is coming this year!

All right, it's official, we've snatched up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we're gonna live right next door to the boys' cousins!
I'm having a hard time describing the Ingrams, so right here right now, I'm gonna call them... my in-laws. No, that sounds like Jessi's parents. My brother's in-laws. That's better than what I've been calling them.
We'll be in line with our family. Right. Next. Door.

Jessi's been champing at the bit to move, whereas I've been planning on living out the rest of my life in this house that she sometimes tolerates, sometimes can't stand. But when I learned that our family was getting two houses right next to each other, I asked Jessi if we should.

And since then, she hasn't looked back.
Just two days ago, we put our down payment down on the house, and that's where we'll be! It's just dirt now, but the house is on its way! So it's time to get our own place ready to sell, time to get a place to rent between selling this house and moving into the new one, and man. This year is going to be a rough one.

Oh, but we're looking into a vasectomy! So that's fun!

Man, it's been a rough few days. I could use some sunshine. And a new house. And a nice long break from kids.

But they are sweet boys.

Self-love!

Take note, y'all. THAT is how you work to turn a corner when you feel AWFUL.

Stress according to a stressed person

My heart feels like it's beating fast, even though it's normal. My stomach feels tight, and it hurts when I eat.

Every face other than an staring into the distance is a brave face.

Everything takes energy, and energy takes a lot.

I can't just make things not stressful. I can't just teach myself to not feel a pang when my kids cry, shout, or are needy.

When I'm like this, in the back of my mind I know that my life expectancy is just ticking down, like these days count for double when it comes to deterioration.

I lose my temper.

I feel bad when I'm stressed, because I feel like my kids should have a less stressed person taking care of them.

I just stopped crying, and couldn't remember why I started.

And I wish it were just one thing. But the truth is, I just gravitate this way. When I get a break, it's just a matter of time until I'm back here.

Glad I'm not depressed!

Hey, sure, let's get into some things I'm grateful for.

My boys are good at playing together. All three of them. So when I'm sitting there, trying to just hold myself together, they can handle it.
It's convenient at least that taking a break for me is just being alone. If taking a break were being at a party, that'd take work! Instead, all I need is a place away from people and some headphones.
Thank goodness for the things I've built. I've got a big workload on a normal day, and I can drop some things. My chores, my editing, my calorie counting, my games. These are all things that it's a shame to fall behind on, but I can squeeze out some extra energy from them.
My coffee is great.

In fact, let's go back to that one. About my routines, about the things I've built.
I've done a damn good job at making things low-energy. Washing dishes, spraying off diapers, taking out the trash, those aren't hard for me to do, because I'm so used to them. And other things, like kindness. I'm not gonna say I'm naturally mean-spirited, but it would be easier for me to be a bit meaner. It takes energy to be kind. But not a lot, because it's something I've practiced on for ages.

I'm pretty great. That's the kind of person I want to be. The kind of person who's been practicing on how to be kind and productive for so long that even on days like this, on my absolute worst days, I can still make it through while being proud of myself.

Okay, I'm off to face the day, wish me luck!
This worked. I'm doing better. Not like "all better". More like "-3 is higher than -5" better.
But it's a start, and I'm okay with that!
-Woody

The Stoppable Woody Johns!

I used to be a lot cooler than I am now, but I'm glad I've changed.

A current Choosie asked for pictures, and, since I was the guy who brought a digital camera with me everywhere before phones really had cameras, I had the opportunity to go through HUNDREDS of old college pictures.
And man, was I cool.

There are pictures of me with new friends, old friends, in-between friends, and people who I honestly can not remember for the life of me. People who have changed my life, people whose lives I have changed. And I look back on all those days. I had so much energy! I could stay up for days without sleep, whereas now I suffer if I go without my midday snooze. And I was so so so assured of my own virtues, so anything I did had the full backing of my heart and soul! Nowadays, I second-guess most decisions about anything, from breakfast to parenting!

What happened, Woody? I'll tell you what happened. I got a heaping dose of humility!

I learned to take others' opinions, and spent time figuring out how to implement more little wisdoms into my every day.

Basically, I became an adult. But I love everything about my childhood, including through college. I made so many friends, and while I can talk about how I'm not the same, neither are they! And we get to do that together. I get to shake my head at the dumb things I said, and laugh it off.
I'm so happy with my life right now. It's stressful. And I'm stoppable. I have limited energy, and I lose my temper every now and again.
Life is hard.
But I'm not going through it anymore acting like I know best, like everything I do is justified and right. I'm humble. Well, humbler.

And that's what got me here today! I'm smiling, and even when I'm not, I'm still standing. And every day, every hard hard day, I get better at the little things I have to do. Better at doing them, better at enjoying them.

I'm not a superhero. I'm human. We all are. And that's what makes us so incredible.

I love you all! Hang in there!
-Woody

Can't move. Stuck under Crash Boy.

On the way to school!

At the dentist, and they're doing SO WELL!!!