Dadmaster's Day Off!

Holy crap, y'all!  Jessi got invited to a baby shower, and SO DID DANPAR!!!

The only question is...what on earth did I do on an afternoon without my wife and son?

Step 1:

Asked Google

That is not what I asked, Google.

Step 2:

Asked my friends

To give him some credit, drunk me is pretty awesome.

Step 3:

Went for a run

Serious business here.  This was the one thing I could think of that I just straight up couldn't do with a baby.  And it was delightful.  For, like ten seconds.

Step 4:

Did some micro-shopping

Went into a store to buy ONE thing.  No problem.
(That is like a superpower for a stay-at-home.)

Step 5:

Got comfortable

This is why curtains exist.

Step 6:

Blasted music on repeat

"All my life I've been living in the fast lane!"

Step 7:

Made a DanPar gif

Also, failed to combine the words "gif" and "giraffe".

Step 8:

Had some caprese skewers

Used dried basil.  Cause it's cheap.
And of course I'm still "comfortable".

Step 9:

Blogged

Aren't these nice curtains?  DanPar didn't think so...
THE CURTAIN STORY: COMING SOON!!!

Cups of Coffee: 3/28/15

Cup of coffee #4:  Manhandling your baby with love

DanPar: "Who's that studly looking little infant in the mirror?"
Me: "Why, that's you, DanPar!"
DanPar:  "Wow!  I look great!  How did you get me in this delightful one-piece?"
Me:  "Simple!  I grabbed your ankles like I was hog-tying you to get the diaper on, then I crammed your head through the top, blinding you for a good few seconds, and stuffed your chubby little arms into the sleeves like three weeks of clothing into a carry-on!"
DanPar:  "...that sounds pretty intense."
Me:  "I'm so happy your bones are all flexible and that your memories won't form for years!"



Cup of coffee #5:  This face

The expression that DanPar is making in this photo is a common expression for children his age.  He is pooping.  From his first full day on this planet, he's been making faces while making feces.  The only frightening thought is, Do I make a face like that while pooping?  Some mysteries are best left unknown.



Cup of coffee #6:  Bath time = fun time!

Jessi, my wife, is quite the swimmer.  She loves to go to the pool, and she can backstroke faster than I can...anything in the water.  In any case, we're both pretty good in the water.  So, we thought, "Hey, I bet that he's gonna love bathtime!  Plus, it'll be like life in the womb!"
Nnnnnnnnnope.  He views bathtime like some kind of medieval torture.

Daily Dad Fashion!

Some days are type-y days.  Some days are click-y days.  And I just found out that I can play Don't Starve as Link from LoZ (hooray mods!) so today has quickly become a click-y day.

But don't worry!  Even with few words, this post reveals the real secret to being a stay-at-home dad!  Dealing with sleep deprivation, crying, or constantly doing laundry is no problem.  The REAL challenge is doing it while looking so doggone good!

So, here are my top-three outfits for the totally real magazine, Dad Fashion!!

Also, as a little blooper reel, here's a great picture of how NOT to dress a baby!

The other responsibility of a parent

     Now, as a parent of a three month-old baby, I know most of what's expected of me.  Change his diaper, cuddle with him, keep him fed, talk to him, give him time to learn to move around.  All that good stuff, to develop him emotionally, physically, and mentally.

     But what about socially?  I don't want my boy growing up to be a nobody!  So I pose that another responsibility for any good parent is the baby's agent.

     The basic way to be a good agent is to show off your kid.  Sharing cute pictures with family is an essential part of taking care of your kid.  You want them to "ooh" and "ahh" over how much he's growing up!  If your baby is just naturally the cutest thing on the planet, you might think your job is done.  But in this day and age, even your Aunt Susan is being inundated with baby pictures.  So, that brings us to the intricacies of being a baby's agent.  I've listed 3 pointers to make sure you do it right!

Pointer #1:  Have lots of pictures, but only put a few on exhibit.
     Quality over quantity, yo.  Yesterday, we took a grand total of 128 pictures with DanPar.  How many made the cut to Facebook?  FOUR.  What happened to the others?  Oh, you bet they're saved.  Check out Amazon Cloud Drive.  They have infinite photo storage.  So, when the grandmothers start asking for more pictures, show them off with pride!  Grandmas are easily impressed, so IMPRESS THEM.

Point #2:  Keep the baby real.
     As I'm sure you know, babies are beautiful sleepy little angels, planted like drops of peace onto the families they bless, like messengers of tranquility.  Now, if you're a parent, you're probably going to need a few moments to recover from your roflmao-ing.  Last night, DanPar cried for an hour and a half straight.  We fed him, changed him, rocked him, did everything, but it didn't work.  Do you know why?  Because he was TIRED.  That's right, folks.  The kid was laying down in his crib, and he was screaming his head off, because he wanted to go to sleep.  Why can't he?  Because he's crying too much.
     Don't try too hard to make everything all roses.  Your life does not exist in a magical happy bubble where your baby only sleeps and smiles.  Get some reality in there.  Crying at the zoo?  Cool.  Just peed on you?  Awesome.  Pooped all over the curtains?  Start a public blog, and let the world know!
If your baby never appears to be more than a stock photo image, the little nipper will never feel that real to your relatives.

Point #3:  Get silly with it.
     If you have a cute little baby, who already does silly things, the least you can do is exploit that!  (For his sake.)  I'm sure if my kiddo had any idea about most things, he would be jealous of that Nirvana baby swimming after the dollar.  Man, even I'm jealous of the evil eye baby!  So, what can you do to really increase his popularity with the Internet?  Make him a meme!

Cups of Coffee: 3/4/15

     So, on days like today, I feel like doing a short post.  Nothing big, just a few thoughts on parenting.  I'm gonna call these my cups of coffee.

Cup of coffee #1: Planning playing
     I think I'm pretty awesome.  In fact, I'm certain I'm awesome.  Here's one reason why.  I'm structuring our playtime, so I have a set of games to play, each about 6 minutes long, because apparently babies have a hard time caring about an activity if it takes much longer than that.  (Also, because 6 minutes is already a timer on my phone for brewing coffee in a French press.)
     So, I've spent a good amount of time this morning sound-editing, so that I have what I need to play with.  A slowed down karaoke version of "Let's Do the Twist," for practice strengthening our legs, some light-hearted videogame music for bouncing on the bed, etc.  I love how my odd skills somehow help me as a parent.

I put together a mix from Super Mario RPG.  This is the Forest Maze music!

Cup of coffee #2: Cashing in my 20 minutes
     Yesterday, DanPar was having a bad day.  And I have no idea why.  He refused to take a nap, he would cry like he was hungry, drink an ounce, and then cry because I was still trying to feed him.  Our pediatrician has told us that you can, every once in a while, set your kiddo down in his crib, when you've tried everything, he's clean, he's fed, and he's safe, and you can take 20 minutes just to put your mind to something else.  Up to yesterday, I'd never done this.
     It was snowing outside, with beautiful little spherical flakes that made a sound when they hit your jacket.  So I set the kiddo down, set a timer for 20 minutes, and sat outside, eating chili, and reading Batman.  It was lovely.

Cup of coffee #3: Baby clothes
     It's official.  And it's weird.  We now have clothes that were too big for him when he was born that are now too small for him.  It's all part of kids growing, but it's so weird to think that even this kid is growing, when he's such a small little nipper!

Family Heirlooms

     One day, everyone in the world is going to come to their senses, and think, "Hey, why on earth are we using china?  It's fragile, and has to be hand washed!  Let's just use plastic stuff from now on!"  And on that day, my mom and I will enjoy a "we told you so" moment as we celebrate with the rest of the world.

     You see, I was never raised with the idea of just having some expensive stuff.  In our house, guests coming over might find themselves out of places to sit, because our couches had been turned into blanket forts.  There was a fancy dining room table, but we never used it, unless we needed an elevated surface to race toy cars down pieced together tracks.

     So, even though this kid is only three months old, and any NBA player worth his snuff could palm him like a basketball, I'm thinking about what I will someday pass down to him.  In my family, we tended to pass down a lot of things; only thing was, they were pretty much all old clothes.  Sweatpants went through my two older brothers before coming down to me, with a healthy patch on each knee.

     I have one thing that my father gave me, that I treasure.  When we went on a canoeing trip up in Canada, he lent me a compass.  This compass was awesome!  You could adjust it for magnetic north, it had a mirror on it, and, um, it had a lanyard, and it, uh, pointed north.  All right, so it's probably a ten dollar compass.  But he gave it to me.  Well, kind of.  It isn't so much a, "Son, whenever you feel lost, hold this compass, and think about who you are."  It's more of a "Oh, hey, I was wondering where I left that old thing!"  I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know I have it.

     So, okay, an old compass.  I can give that to him, and make it a powerful moment, on our first big hiking and camping trip into the mountains.  (Colorado is awesome!)  But, other than that, there's only one thing I can think of passing on, and it would be a whole lot more sentimental, in my opinion.

     When I buy a videogame, odds are that it's from Steam, my preferred online game library thing.  And someday, my dear little DanPar, I will give you my password.  And you will become Soberlion, the mediocre gamer!  You can pick up my achievement-hunting from where I left off.  You can install my mass of Humble Bundle games.  And (tissues ready, folks,) someday, you may even beat my high scores.

     And when you play these old games, that were old even when I got them, you will know that I will always love you.